Read Online One Secret Summer by Lesley Lokko - Free Book Online Page B

‘Grief! Anger! Fear!’ Loughlin roared, jabbing his finger at her.
    ‘I … I
can’t
…’ Maddy stammered, desperately trying to control her voice.
    ‘Can’t or won’t?’ His blue eyes flashed contemptuously at her.
    She looked up at him, failure flooding her senses. She’d seen Loughlin give other students a hard time, but this was different.
     She stood in front of him, trapped by her own fear – fear of him, of the class, of what he was asking her to do. She felt
     her stomach turn over. She’d never experienced anything like it. There was a dull, metallic taste in the back of her throat
     that she dimly recognised as tears.
Oh God … please, no
.
Please don’t let me start crying in front of him
. ‘I …’ Again she tried to get the words out, and again her mouth and tongue failed her.
    ‘Thought so.’ Loughlin looked down at her, the contempt in his expression all too clear. ‘Disappear, Stiller. You obviously
     haven’t got what it takes. Next! Anderson. Come up here. Show the rest of us how it’s done.’ There was another embarrassed
     cough from the audience.
    Maddy stood still for a second, rooted to the spot, unable to take it all in. Todd Anderson, tall, impossibly handsome and
     impossibly gifted, strode confidently to the centre of the stage. He ignored her as he prepared himself to take on the role
     she clearly couldn’t. There was nothing for it but to exit the classroom as quickly as possible. She fled.
    It took her less than half an hour to empty her closet of her possessions and stuff them in her suitcase. Tears were streaming
     down her face but she couldn’t feel them. Her heart was racing. She had never,
ever
been so humiliated in her entire life. Loughlin’s words sang out endlessly in her ears
Clear out, Stiller. You obviously haven’t got what it takes. A turnip-headed Midwesterner
. They were absolutely right. She
didn’t
have what it took. Better to get the hell out now before she was humiliated any further.
    Suddenly the door burst open. Sandy stood in the doorway. Her mouth dropped open as she surveyed Maddy’s suitcase. ‘What’re
     you doing? You can’t be serious! You’re
quitting
?’
    Maddy picked up a sweater, folded it and placed it in her case. She hoped her voice was steady. ‘Loughlin’s right. I’m not
     cut out for this, Sandy. I don’t know what I was thinking—’
    ‘Maddy, I don’t believe you!’ Sandy was incredulous. ‘You’ve had a couple of bad days and you’re going to
quit
?’
    ‘They’re not just bad days,’ Maddy said defensively. ‘Loughlin’s right. I … you’ve got to have talent, Sandy. It’s not enough
     just to
want
to act. I
can’t
.’
    ‘Bull
shit
. Maddy, we’ve only been here a couple of months! You can’t quit before the first semester’s even ended! That’s absurd!’
    ‘It’s not absurd!’ Maddy closed the lid of her suitcase with a snap. ‘I’m not like you, Sandy. I’m from a
farm
in Iowa, for God’s sake. I just wish I had your confidence. You grew up here, you’ve been all over the world … you’re
tough
. I’m just some country hick—’
    ‘Will you
stop
it? Listen to you! We’re
all
scared, Maddy. It’s hard for everybody, not just you.’
    ‘That’s not it! Of course I know it’s hard for everyone. But I’m no
good
, Sandy. I can’t do this. I can’t! Every time he asks me for … for these emotions … I
can’t
!’
    ‘That’s because you won’t
let
yourself, not because you
can’t
. Don’t think I don’t know what’s going on with you, Maddy. Don’t think I don’t know where you disappear to every night.’
    Maddy stared at her. Embarrassment rippled up and down her spine. ‘Wh … what’re you talking about?’ she whispered, her voice
     suddenly failing her.
    ‘Oh, come on. It’s so
obvious
. You starve yourself all day long, then you go and stuff your face with all kinds of shit. You think I don’t know what you’re
     doing?’
    There was a sudden