Read Online On My Honor by Marion Dane Bauer - Free Book Online
Authors: Marion Dane Bauer
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his hand again, bent over to bring his nose close to Joel's skin, then straightened. "I don't know what you mean, Joel. I can't smell anything."
"But I can smell it," Joel wailed. "It won't go away."
His father didn't say anything.
"Make it go away," Joel spoke in a whisper, as if they were discussing another person standing in the room, someone who could be forced to leave.
His father smoothed the hair back from Joel's face. "I can't," he said, very quietly.
The anger surged through Joel's veins. He wanted to push his father away, to pummel him again. What good was this man who couldn't protect him from bad things happening and wouldn't punish him to make things right? "You don't understand," he said through clenched teeth. "I dared Tony to swim out to the sandbar. I knew he couldn't swim all that well. I must have known. And I dared him."
Joel expected ... he didn't know what he expected, actually. Maybe he expected the world to fall in. At the very least he expected his father to rise up in rage. Instead there followed only another silence, the kind that made him want to scream. He held himself carefully rigid, though, and didn't move, only waited.
"It's going to be a hard thing to live with, for both of us," his father said at last. "But there is nothing else to be done."
Joel sat up. He was shouting now. 'What are you talking about ... we? You didn't do anything. You didn't even know you shouldn't have let me go!"
"But we all made choices today, Joel. You, me, Tony. Tony's the only one who doesn't have to live with his choice."
For a moment Joel could only stare, uncomprehending, at this man who wouldn't ... couldn't take away his pain. Tony was free, while he, he and his father, would have to live with this terrible day forever. And though Joel clenched his jaw and squeezed his eyes shut, it was no use. He began to sob.
"Ah," his father said, as if relieved, and he leaned forward, drawing Joel onto his lap. Joel felt awkward, oversized. Surely there was no longer room for him here. But his father wrapped his arms around him tightly, and Joel's cheek settled into the hollow between his chest and shoulder. The racking sobs flowed out of him like water.
His father held him for a long time, saying nothing, until Joel's tears came without sound and his breaths were quivering gasps. Even then, his father held him. After a while, Joel began to pattern his breathing to match the steady rising and falling of his father's chest.
"I'd like to go back to bed now," he said finally. His father, instead of simply releasing him, reached forward to strip back the covers, then stood and laid him gently in the bed. He pulled the sheet up and tucked it beneath Joel's chin.
He will leave me now, Joel thought, but his father sat down in the chair once more.
Joel turned on his side, facing his father this time. He was tired, exhausted, but tinglingly awake. He was also empty, as though he had been hollowed out with a knife. He tried to think of something to say, if only to hear his father's voice.
"Do you believe in heaven?" he asked at last. "Do you believe Tony's gone there?"
His father bent toward him. "If there is a heaven, I'm sure Tony's gone there," he replied. "I can't imagine a heaven that could be closed to charming, reckless boys."
If! Joel felt as if he were sinking through the bed. "What do you mean... if there's a heaven?"
"I don't suppose anybody knows," his father answered gently, "what happens after." He hesitated, and one hand came up, described a series of circles in the air, then settled into his lap again as though it had finished the statement for him. "I believe there's something about life that goes on. It seems too good to end in a river."
Joel let his father's words sift through him slowly. He had hoped for something firmer, more certain. Yes, there is a heaven. Certainly Tony is there now . He would have to settle, though, for what he got.
And what he got was a gentle summer night, a hollow place
"But I can smell it," Joel wailed. "It won't go away."
His father didn't say anything.
"Make it go away," Joel spoke in a whisper, as if they were discussing another person standing in the room, someone who could be forced to leave.
His father smoothed the hair back from Joel's face. "I can't," he said, very quietly.
The anger surged through Joel's veins. He wanted to push his father away, to pummel him again. What good was this man who couldn't protect him from bad things happening and wouldn't punish him to make things right? "You don't understand," he said through clenched teeth. "I dared Tony to swim out to the sandbar. I knew he couldn't swim all that well. I must have known. And I dared him."
Joel expected ... he didn't know what he expected, actually. Maybe he expected the world to fall in. At the very least he expected his father to rise up in rage. Instead there followed only another silence, the kind that made him want to scream. He held himself carefully rigid, though, and didn't move, only waited.
"It's going to be a hard thing to live with, for both of us," his father said at last. "But there is nothing else to be done."
Joel sat up. He was shouting now. 'What are you talking about ... we? You didn't do anything. You didn't even know you shouldn't have let me go!"
"But we all made choices today, Joel. You, me, Tony. Tony's the only one who doesn't have to live with his choice."
For a moment Joel could only stare, uncomprehending, at this man who wouldn't ... couldn't take away his pain. Tony was free, while he, he and his father, would have to live with this terrible day forever. And though Joel clenched his jaw and squeezed his eyes shut, it was no use. He began to sob.
"Ah," his father said, as if relieved, and he leaned forward, drawing Joel onto his lap. Joel felt awkward, oversized. Surely there was no longer room for him here. But his father wrapped his arms around him tightly, and Joel's cheek settled into the hollow between his chest and shoulder. The racking sobs flowed out of him like water.
His father held him for a long time, saying nothing, until Joel's tears came without sound and his breaths were quivering gasps. Even then, his father held him. After a while, Joel began to pattern his breathing to match the steady rising and falling of his father's chest.
"I'd like to go back to bed now," he said finally. His father, instead of simply releasing him, reached forward to strip back the covers, then stood and laid him gently in the bed. He pulled the sheet up and tucked it beneath Joel's chin.
He will leave me now, Joel thought, but his father sat down in the chair once more.
Joel turned on his side, facing his father this time. He was tired, exhausted, but tinglingly awake. He was also empty, as though he had been hollowed out with a knife. He tried to think of something to say, if only to hear his father's voice.
"Do you believe in heaven?" he asked at last. "Do you believe Tony's gone there?"
His father bent toward him. "If there is a heaven, I'm sure Tony's gone there," he replied. "I can't imagine a heaven that could be closed to charming, reckless boys."
If! Joel felt as if he were sinking through the bed. "What do you mean... if there's a heaven?"
"I don't suppose anybody knows," his father answered gently, "what happens after." He hesitated, and one hand came up, described a series of circles in the air, then settled into his lap again as though it had finished the statement for him. "I believe there's something about life that goes on. It seems too good to end in a river."
Joel let his father's words sift through him slowly. He had hoped for something firmer, more certain. Yes, there is a heaven. Certainly Tony is there now . He would have to settle, though, for what he got.
And what he got was a gentle summer night, a hollow place
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