Read Online Off Balance: A Memoir by Dominique Moceanu - Free Book Online
Authors: Dominique Moceanu
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saddened me to see Mama grow more distant from Tata throughout my childhood.
It felt like hours before I could pull myself together enough to start my car and leave the parking lot after reading through Jennifer’s package. I kept glancing down at the papers and photos piled on my lap and the passenger seat as I drove toward home. I just couldn’t get my head around the fact that since 1987, I’d had a biological sister in this world and I had absolutely no clue. I tried to do the math, backtracking nine months from Jennifer’s birth to get a picture of what was happening in our family, in my life, at that time. It just wasn’t adding up. Jennifer was born October 1, 1987, exactly six years and one day after I was born. All that time I was wishing for a sibling before Christina was born, I already had one! Mama delivered Jennifer the day after my sixth birthday. How could I not even remember Mama being pregnant? I was going in circles trying to retrace that period from five to six years old. I was always with Mama, hugging and snuggling with her. How could I not realize she was pregnant? I had spent endless hours at the gym, but Mama was there, too. Could I have been so focused on my own life that I missed something this big? Mama has always been petite, and I know she was quite small during her pregnancy with me, gaining only twenty pounds, but she must have been particularly small and hardly showing at all with Jennifer for me not to see or feel the change in her belly. Carmen kicked and repositioned herself as I pulled into the driveway of our home. The irony was overwhelming.
I made my way up the walkway and through our front door, which seemed to be growing narrower by the day, and ploppeddown at the kitchen table to sift through the papers and photos yet again. I thought about how Tata always made sure I was kept from “adult talks” when I was younger. Both he and Mama believed children should be children and didn’t feel it was necessary for me to know too much, leaving me in the dark on many topics. Gymnastics kept my focus after school, and since I never hung out with the “cool” crowd at school, I was never privy to playground tales about the birds and the bees. I was so sheltered and naïve that I didn’t even know where babies came from until many years later as a high schooler. I’m sure I was completely out of earshot any time they discussed Mama’s pregnancy, especially after she delivered Jennifer. Also, my parents had continuous financial and marital troubles, so oftentimes I simply tuned out, just trying to stay out of the way. Perhaps I simply wasn’t present enough to notice Mama was expecting.
I sat in the kitchen, looking around the house, taking stock of how things had changed since I walked out my front door that morning. My dog and longtime companion Princess danced at my feet trying to get my attention. She sensed something was different and finally jumped on me and crumpled the papers on my lap to reach my face. I stroked her, but my mind was a million miles away. Here I was on the verge of motherhood, supposedly one of the most fulfilling and miraculous experiences of my life, and I was completely turned inside out. I had already been on emotional overload trying my hardest to keep my pregnancy hormones in check and eke out a solid ending to my semester before going into labor. Now, nothing felt normal, and I had a nagging feeling that nothing would until I reached out to Jennifer. She had just put her heart in a package and shipped it off to a complete stranger. I knew she’d want to hear from me, but was she expecting me to just pick up the phone and call her today ? It was probably the decent thing to do since she had already been waiting four years, but I hadn’t even had four hours, and I just wasn’t there yet. She sounded sogrounded and at peace in her letter, yet I couldn’t help wondering if she was actually angry or harboring some deep resentment toward me—Mama
It felt like hours before I could pull myself together enough to start my car and leave the parking lot after reading through Jennifer’s package. I kept glancing down at the papers and photos piled on my lap and the passenger seat as I drove toward home. I just couldn’t get my head around the fact that since 1987, I’d had a biological sister in this world and I had absolutely no clue. I tried to do the math, backtracking nine months from Jennifer’s birth to get a picture of what was happening in our family, in my life, at that time. It just wasn’t adding up. Jennifer was born October 1, 1987, exactly six years and one day after I was born. All that time I was wishing for a sibling before Christina was born, I already had one! Mama delivered Jennifer the day after my sixth birthday. How could I not even remember Mama being pregnant? I was going in circles trying to retrace that period from five to six years old. I was always with Mama, hugging and snuggling with her. How could I not realize she was pregnant? I had spent endless hours at the gym, but Mama was there, too. Could I have been so focused on my own life that I missed something this big? Mama has always been petite, and I know she was quite small during her pregnancy with me, gaining only twenty pounds, but she must have been particularly small and hardly showing at all with Jennifer for me not to see or feel the change in her belly. Carmen kicked and repositioned herself as I pulled into the driveway of our home. The irony was overwhelming.
I made my way up the walkway and through our front door, which seemed to be growing narrower by the day, and ploppeddown at the kitchen table to sift through the papers and photos yet again. I thought about how Tata always made sure I was kept from “adult talks” when I was younger. Both he and Mama believed children should be children and didn’t feel it was necessary for me to know too much, leaving me in the dark on many topics. Gymnastics kept my focus after school, and since I never hung out with the “cool” crowd at school, I was never privy to playground tales about the birds and the bees. I was so sheltered and naïve that I didn’t even know where babies came from until many years later as a high schooler. I’m sure I was completely out of earshot any time they discussed Mama’s pregnancy, especially after she delivered Jennifer. Also, my parents had continuous financial and marital troubles, so oftentimes I simply tuned out, just trying to stay out of the way. Perhaps I simply wasn’t present enough to notice Mama was expecting.
I sat in the kitchen, looking around the house, taking stock of how things had changed since I walked out my front door that morning. My dog and longtime companion Princess danced at my feet trying to get my attention. She sensed something was different and finally jumped on me and crumpled the papers on my lap to reach my face. I stroked her, but my mind was a million miles away. Here I was on the verge of motherhood, supposedly one of the most fulfilling and miraculous experiences of my life, and I was completely turned inside out. I had already been on emotional overload trying my hardest to keep my pregnancy hormones in check and eke out a solid ending to my semester before going into labor. Now, nothing felt normal, and I had a nagging feeling that nothing would until I reached out to Jennifer. She had just put her heart in a package and shipped it off to a complete stranger. I knew she’d want to hear from me, but was she expecting me to just pick up the phone and call her today ? It was probably the decent thing to do since she had already been waiting four years, but I hadn’t even had four hours, and I just wasn’t there yet. She sounded sogrounded and at peace in her letter, yet I couldn’t help wondering if she was actually angry or harboring some deep resentment toward me—Mama
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