Read Online Now That Hes Gone by Beverly Tobocman - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Beverly Tobocman
Ads: Link
accomplished competitive diver on his college team and was anxious to impress his new bride. He climbed out onto the diving board and did a beautiful jackknife into a pool which was only 5 1/2 feet deep. He crashed into the bottom of the pool and broke his neck.
The doctors’ prognosis was bleak. The couple was told that Jeff's 3 rd , 4 th , and 5 th cervical vertebrae were broken and his spinal chord was severely damaged. Jeff's injury would result in his losing all functions below the chest line. The “sentence” was that Jeff would be a quadriplegic for the rest of his life. And he was not yet 30 years old.
Deborah's Plan A was over before she even had a chance to try it out. Instead of a healthy, athletic, productive new husband to build a family and life with, she did not actually have a “husband” in the accepted sense of the word. She had a man who was physically almost helpless and would be dependent on her indefinitely. He was told that he would never walk, work, or be able to have children. Deborah and Jeff were told that they probably would not stay married either. Rather, statistical studies had demonstrated that the stress and strain on a marriage given someone in Jeff's condition were terribly difficult to withstand.
“If you work hard, you can do anything…”
Despite the gloomy prospects for their future, Deborah refused to accept defeat. “Jeff was so depressed and lethargic, I had to pretend that I did not feel his desperation. I kept going back to what my parents taught me, which was, if you work hard you can do anything to which you set your mind.” Deb read every inspirational story she could find about people who had overcome horribly difficult situations but who came out on the other side reporting that their lives were fulfilling and successful.
Once Deborah accepted that these circumstances were really going to define their lives, she got to work. She remembered her grandmother's constant support of her parents. She would always advise, “Don't worry, work.” Deborah landed an administrative job in a Fortune 500 company and literally clawed her way to the post of Chief Financial Officer. She says that at times, she actually felt guilty about her success because in succeeding, she had to leave Jeff sitting at home. Much to Jeff's credit, he encouraged Deb every step of the way including her developing friendships and spending time playing tennis and running marathons. “At one marathon, Jeff was there to cheer me over the finish line!” she recalls
One morning, Deborah woke up feeling that inevitable biological clock ticking away inside her. She and Jeff desperately wanted to have a family and began to explore their alternatives. “This is the time when Jeff and I really pulled together,” Deborah remembers. “We met with many counselors and doctors and found our way.”
With the help of modern technology, they produced a son, Jack, who is now eight years old. When asked how Jeff's condition has affected their son, Deb reports that “Jack says he has never known his dad any other way.” At his age, with Jeff in a wheelchair, he and his father are eye-to-eye and they talk at exactly the same level.
Jeff has not been able to secure steady employment, although he is involved in several support groups for individuals facing spinal chord injury.
You might ask why I have included this interview in a book which addresses women who find themselves alone in midlife. Though she didn't experience the evaporation of her Plan A in mid-life, as you might have, Deborah did endure a huge wallop long before she was ready for it. Every picture of her future that she had in her heart and mind was erased. Yet when forced to, she created a heroic Plan B and stuck to it, eventually making a life that is as happy and fulfilling as other fully functioning couples. In many ways her path has been even more difficult in that she has not just been a woman alone. She has been the family matriarch,
The doctors’ prognosis was bleak. The couple was told that Jeff's 3 rd , 4 th , and 5 th cervical vertebrae were broken and his spinal chord was severely damaged. Jeff's injury would result in his losing all functions below the chest line. The “sentence” was that Jeff would be a quadriplegic for the rest of his life. And he was not yet 30 years old.
Deborah's Plan A was over before she even had a chance to try it out. Instead of a healthy, athletic, productive new husband to build a family and life with, she did not actually have a “husband” in the accepted sense of the word. She had a man who was physically almost helpless and would be dependent on her indefinitely. He was told that he would never walk, work, or be able to have children. Deborah and Jeff were told that they probably would not stay married either. Rather, statistical studies had demonstrated that the stress and strain on a marriage given someone in Jeff's condition were terribly difficult to withstand.
“If you work hard, you can do anything…”
Despite the gloomy prospects for their future, Deborah refused to accept defeat. “Jeff was so depressed and lethargic, I had to pretend that I did not feel his desperation. I kept going back to what my parents taught me, which was, if you work hard you can do anything to which you set your mind.” Deb read every inspirational story she could find about people who had overcome horribly difficult situations but who came out on the other side reporting that their lives were fulfilling and successful.
Once Deborah accepted that these circumstances were really going to define their lives, she got to work. She remembered her grandmother's constant support of her parents. She would always advise, “Don't worry, work.” Deborah landed an administrative job in a Fortune 500 company and literally clawed her way to the post of Chief Financial Officer. She says that at times, she actually felt guilty about her success because in succeeding, she had to leave Jeff sitting at home. Much to Jeff's credit, he encouraged Deb every step of the way including her developing friendships and spending time playing tennis and running marathons. “At one marathon, Jeff was there to cheer me over the finish line!” she recalls
One morning, Deborah woke up feeling that inevitable biological clock ticking away inside her. She and Jeff desperately wanted to have a family and began to explore their alternatives. “This is the time when Jeff and I really pulled together,” Deborah remembers. “We met with many counselors and doctors and found our way.”
With the help of modern technology, they produced a son, Jack, who is now eight years old. When asked how Jeff's condition has affected their son, Deb reports that “Jack says he has never known his dad any other way.” At his age, with Jeff in a wheelchair, he and his father are eye-to-eye and they talk at exactly the same level.
Jeff has not been able to secure steady employment, although he is involved in several support groups for individuals facing spinal chord injury.
You might ask why I have included this interview in a book which addresses women who find themselves alone in midlife. Though she didn't experience the evaporation of her Plan A in mid-life, as you might have, Deborah did endure a huge wallop long before she was ready for it. Every picture of her future that she had in her heart and mind was erased. Yet when forced to, she created a heroic Plan B and stuck to it, eventually making a life that is as happy and fulfilling as other fully functioning couples. In many ways her path has been even more difficult in that she has not just been a woman alone. She has been the family matriarch,
Similar Books
