Read Online Nothing Bad Is Going to Happen by Kathleen Hale - Free Book Online

rolls her eyes at me, and I answer with an eye roll of my own.
    â€œHere is question, Dominic,” she snaps, her double chin appearing and disappearing with each violent nod. “Are you small child? Yes, is serious question, Dom—Oh, okay . . . so . . . you . . . you are not tiny baby child? Does this mean you are grown-up man, maybe?”
    She winks at me. Meanwhile, Dom’s response, though indistinct, is very loud—so loud that it rattles the phone in her hand.
    She presses it harder against her face, listening to him rant.
    â€œWhat is he saying?” I whisper. I’ve never seen them fight like this.
    â€œIs crazy,” she whispers back, covering the receiver.
    â€œDom?” she says, going back to the phone call. “Yes I listen. What? . . . ‘Statutory rape’? How . . . oh.” She smiles, listening to Dom’s frantic explanation. “Oh yes, yes—I see. Is sex thing. In Poland we don’t have this. When man is older, we say to the girl, ‘Gratulacje.’ It is meaning, ‘Ah, how good for you child, congratulations. He die soon, cooking is not so long for you. Gratulacje! ’ Then we dance . . . What? Yes, I remember patriarchy conversation. Was boring. Rosa slept long time after.”
    Whoa. Dom knows the word patriarchy ?
    â€œHey,” Rosa continues, sounding a little defensive, “older man is nice for girl. What is problem if he dies andshe goes free like bird from cage? Is feminism, correct?”
    I furtively shake my head. Child brides are not feminism. But no one could say that Miss Rosa isn’t trying.
    Rosa grunts, pressing the phone even harder into her round face, as if proximity might clue her in to what Dom means.
    â€œWhat?” I whisper.
    She holds up a hand for me to wait, letting him talk awhile. “So what is wrong with being slut?” she says finally.
    â€œWait.” I look around. “Me?”
    â€œIn Poland we say szmata ,” she says to Dom. “Is also word for rag, for cleaning floor. Rag for cleaning floor is very useful. Agh!” She yanks the phone away from her ear like she’s been electrocuted. Dom’s tinny voice honks furiously from the earpiece.
    â€œWhy are you screaming?” Rosa yells, still holding the phone at arm’s length. “Now you are yelling too much so my brain is hurting—there is pain on my ears with your baby screams—”
    She hangs up, looking exhausted, and shakes her head at me.
    â€œHe pleases me sex,” she says. “Is good for to remember when I want killing him.”
    â€œYou sound like Yoda.” Also, ew.
    â€œYes!” She grins. “ Yoga is also good for making calm. Down dog and child’s pose.” She kisses her fingers with a flourish and collapses onto the floor in a tiny ball. “Your muscles, they like it.”
    â€œDid you get my present, Kippy? Hey, don’t be a bitch,” Ralph is saying. “I won’t hurt you, so long as you’re nice.”
    The machete in his hand starts to vibrate, emitting a buzzing sound, like an electric shaver.
    â€œWell, this is odd,” he says, laughing at the shivering blade. I force myself to start laughing with him, hoping he won’t hurt me. But then his eyes change.
    Bzz. Bzz. Bzz.
    I jolt awake, screaming to the sound of my phone buzzing on the coffee table. The vibrations send it skittering across the glass until it lands with a soft plunk on the carpet. At first I’m relieved that the nightmare is over, but then I remember where I am and why: It’s the first official day of winter break, and instead of being sprawled out on Davey’s futon—my important body parts draped elegantly with sheets like in some beautiful rom com—I’m scrunched up on Miss Rosa’s too-short sofa, drenched with sweat, stuffed into a pair of her teensy pajamas that I’m pretty sure I just ripped from thrashing awake.
    Bzz. Bzz.