Read Online Nostradamus Ate My Hamster by Robert Rankin - Free Book Online
Authors: Robert Rankin
Ads: Link
Well, my Führer, far be it from me to disagree with a man who is virtually a living god, but the craft have already been test flown, and with the aid of the technology given to us from certain “allies” of our own, the craft not only flies faster than sound, but also faster than light, which is to say, faster than time.
HITLER : Do what?
HIMMLER : The fatherland has conquered time travel, my Führer.
HITLER : Well, bugger me backwards.
HIMMLER : Later, my Führer, but please allow Mr Speer to explain the details.
SPEER : My Führer, as you might have noticed, we have not got underway quite as rapidly as we might have liked regarding the building of the new Germany. It does have to be said that the knocking down of the old one is well ahead of schedule, thanks to the Allies (some laughter, a soldier is taken away and shot). But the actual rebuilding is reckoned to take, oh, about mmmm years.
HITLER : Speak up, how many years?
SPEER : mmmmm years.
HITLER : How many?
SPEER : About seventy-five years, my Führer. Sir.
HITLER :
How bloody many
?
SPEER : Say sixty. Sixty years, no problem. As long as –
HITLER : As long as
what
?
SPEER : As long as
we
win the war.
HITLER : Of course we’ll win the war.
HIMMLER : Of course we will, my Führer. In fact we definitely will, have no fear of that. You see we can’t lose now. Might I explain?
HITLER : Grunt.
HIMMLER : Thank you, my Führer. The plan is this. Two
Flügelrads
have been completed. One designed to travel back in time and the other forward. The one going back will take details of how we, ahem, lost all our previous military campaigns and deliver them to the generals in question
before
they actually fight the battles, so they’ll win, see?
HITLER : (stroking chin) Nice one. I like that.
HIMMLER : The other will carry you forward one hundred years, so you can arrive at a predestined time and place to step from the craft into the glorious rebuilt Reich of the future.
GOEBBELS : You will appear according to predictions prophesied, as the new messiah, my Führer, stepping from the craft to rule the entire world.
HITLER : All right!
HIMMLER : We’ll have an ambulance waiting.
HITLER :
What?
HIMMLER : Medical science will have advanced one hundred years, my Führer. All your little aches and pains, we’ll have them immediately sorted out for you.
HITLER : Even my piles?
HIMMLER : Even those.
HITLER : And my flatulence?
HIMMLER : Especially your flatulence.
HITLER : Well, let’s not sit about here like a bunch of Russians [19] . Let’s get in them old
Flügelrads
, I’ve a future world needs ruling.
HIMMLER : We’re right with you, my Führer.
HITLER : No you bloody well aren’t. You lot go back and sort out all the cock-ups.
HIMMLER/GOEBBELS/SPEER/GOERING : Aaawwww!
HITLER : That’s show biz!
And so it came to pass. Or rather, it almost came to pass. If history is notable for at least
one
thing, then that
one
thing would be that the Germans did
not
win the Second World War. They came second, but they didn’t win it. It must be supposed that the reason for this was that something went wrong with the
Flügelrad
that travelled back into the past. Himmler, Goering and Co. came to well deserved sticky ends and Speer never got a chance to oversee the building of the thousand-year reich. Tough shit!
But it all does fall into place rather neatly, if you think about it. There is no real proof that they ever found Hitler’s body and for years rumours abounded that he escaped.
Where to?
Well, it’s obvious, isn’t it? Into the future, that’s where. Off one hundred years into the future, to step from his craft as the new messiah into a reich-dominated world.
Except there isn’t going to be one.
So what if, just if, his craft broke down on the way into the future? What if it crash landed in the nineteen nineties? And not in Germany? After all, the world spins around and if his coordinates were set for Germany and he landed too
HITLER : Do what?
HIMMLER : The fatherland has conquered time travel, my Führer.
HITLER : Well, bugger me backwards.
HIMMLER : Later, my Führer, but please allow Mr Speer to explain the details.
SPEER : My Führer, as you might have noticed, we have not got underway quite as rapidly as we might have liked regarding the building of the new Germany. It does have to be said that the knocking down of the old one is well ahead of schedule, thanks to the Allies (some laughter, a soldier is taken away and shot). But the actual rebuilding is reckoned to take, oh, about mmmm years.
HITLER : Speak up, how many years?
SPEER : mmmmm years.
HITLER : How many?
SPEER : About seventy-five years, my Führer. Sir.
HITLER :
How bloody many
?
SPEER : Say sixty. Sixty years, no problem. As long as –
HITLER : As long as
what
?
SPEER : As long as
we
win the war.
HITLER : Of course we’ll win the war.
HIMMLER : Of course we will, my Führer. In fact we definitely will, have no fear of that. You see we can’t lose now. Might I explain?
HITLER : Grunt.
HIMMLER : Thank you, my Führer. The plan is this. Two
Flügelrads
have been completed. One designed to travel back in time and the other forward. The one going back will take details of how we, ahem, lost all our previous military campaigns and deliver them to the generals in question
before
they actually fight the battles, so they’ll win, see?
HITLER : (stroking chin) Nice one. I like that.
HIMMLER : The other will carry you forward one hundred years, so you can arrive at a predestined time and place to step from the craft into the glorious rebuilt Reich of the future.
GOEBBELS : You will appear according to predictions prophesied, as the new messiah, my Führer, stepping from the craft to rule the entire world.
HITLER : All right!
HIMMLER : We’ll have an ambulance waiting.
HITLER :
What?
HIMMLER : Medical science will have advanced one hundred years, my Führer. All your little aches and pains, we’ll have them immediately sorted out for you.
HITLER : Even my piles?
HIMMLER : Even those.
HITLER : And my flatulence?
HIMMLER : Especially your flatulence.
HITLER : Well, let’s not sit about here like a bunch of Russians [19] . Let’s get in them old
Flügelrads
, I’ve a future world needs ruling.
HIMMLER : We’re right with you, my Führer.
HITLER : No you bloody well aren’t. You lot go back and sort out all the cock-ups.
HIMMLER/GOEBBELS/SPEER/GOERING : Aaawwww!
HITLER : That’s show biz!
And so it came to pass. Or rather, it almost came to pass. If history is notable for at least
one
thing, then that
one
thing would be that the Germans did
not
win the Second World War. They came second, but they didn’t win it. It must be supposed that the reason for this was that something went wrong with the
Flügelrad
that travelled back into the past. Himmler, Goering and Co. came to well deserved sticky ends and Speer never got a chance to oversee the building of the thousand-year reich. Tough shit!
But it all does fall into place rather neatly, if you think about it. There is no real proof that they ever found Hitler’s body and for years rumours abounded that he escaped.
Where to?
Well, it’s obvious, isn’t it? Into the future, that’s where. Off one hundred years into the future, to step from his craft as the new messiah into a reich-dominated world.
Except there isn’t going to be one.
So what if, just if, his craft broke down on the way into the future? What if it crash landed in the nineteen nineties? And not in Germany? After all, the world spins around and if his coordinates were set for Germany and he landed too
Similar Books
