Read Online Nightlight by The Harvard Lampoon - Free Book Online

then. Easy on the sausage, though.”
    “Easy on the sausage?”
    “Yeah, I’m more of a sauce guy.”
    “A blood-sauce guy?”
    “Yeah—a blood-sauce guy.” He turned to me. “You were saying?”
    BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP, I thought as I grasped wildly for something else to say. Then I had another one of my well-researched epiphanies. His constant use of Purell, his love of video games, his lack of friends, planet gazing, and flail-run.
    “You’re a zombie,” I gasped.
    “No. I’m not,” he said.
    I went back to the vampire theory.
    On the drive back home, he asked me if I had any other theories.
    “A few,” I said. “You know how they say the universe is ever-expanding? Well, I think outer space is a hoax and NASA is a retirement home for CIA officers,” I explained. “The moon is real.”
    “I meant theories about me,” said Edwart. “The way you look at me sometimes … okay, the way you look at my teeth sometimes and comment on how inhumanly pale or inhumanly cold I am and the way you are putting your ear to my chest right now … I mean,
what
is going on inside that head of yours.”
    “You have absolutely no heartbeat.”
    “That’s what I’m saying! Why do you say things like that? What could you possibly think that I am?” He glanced over at me nervously. “You don’t think I’m a robot like the others,
do
you? Please Belle … I … I just couldn’t take that.”
    “Why don’t I do the asking and you do the answering?” I asked. To be honest, the robot theory was new to me. It would require further reflection.
    “All right. Shoot.”
    “Is there a reason we shouldn’t be together?”
    He sighed. “I was afraid you would ask that. The truth is, I’m not good for you Belle. I’m dangerous.” He started driving in a zig-zag way. “Too dangerous. I don’t want to hurt you.” He ran through a red light. “I would never forgive myself if I put you in danger.” He stopped at the yellow light so he could turn left during the red.
    “Why don’t I drive next time?” I asked.
    “That would solve it,” he chuckled. “I never did get my license. Now there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you, too: What’s your favorite color?”
    “Blue.”
    “What’s your favorite flower?” “Daisies.”
    “Cool. Well, I’m all out of questions for you. I think it’s interesting that you have a favorite flower. That was my trick question.”
    “I lied about the color. I really don’t care about colors. Blue has no value to me.”
    He took his hand off the steering wheel to tuck the hair behind my ear further back behind my ear. “That’s what I mean about you. You’re special. We both are. We both think about more things than the others.” He parked the car and turned to me. “You want to have a discussion about those things?”
    “Sure,” I said. “I’d love to have a discussion about those things.”
    We had a discussion. It was really interesting. “I should probably go inside,” I said when it was over. “It’s nine p.m., and I’ve got to start making breakfast for my Dad.”
    “Good-night,” he said and squeezed my hand.
    I leaned over to kiss him good-night on the cheek. Suddenly, I was kissing thin air. He was gone.
    “Don’t ever try any funny business again,” an angry voice rebuked, floating up from below the driver’s seat.
    “I’m sorry, Edwart.”
    “We’re not even going steady yet!” the voice said. “I need time to get acclimated to being near you. Time to practice hand-holding, for Gosh sakes!” His head popped up between the seat and the steering wheel. “Belle, can we be totally honest with each other?”
    “Of course, Edwart. We can’t be in a relationship unless you’re totally honest about the destruction you’re capable of.”
    “Right. Well … what if I told you that I’m not capable of destruction? That I have to lift apple juice out of the fridge with no less than two hands and that I would never be able to open a jar of