Read Online Nice Girls Don't Bite Their Neighbors by Molly Harper - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Molly Harper
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was in elementary school during the Great Coming Out, and my parents wouldn’t let me watch the news because they were afraid it would give me nightmares.”
“Thank you for reminding me again of how young you are.” I sighed. “OK, no one knows where vampires come from. Almost every culture has some sort of vampire creature in its folklore. I could bore you to tears describing how the most popular beliefs originated from the Slavic traditions, probably spread by Gypsies asthey traveled through India and Egypt. But it’s your first night, and I’ll spare you. There are plenty of books in the library that you should study, anyway.”
Jamie blanched at the mention of assigned reading but maintained a respectful silence.
I continued, “Vampires had it pretty good for about two thousand years, lurking in the shadows, drinking their fill, looking all pretty and ageless. And then this doofus tax consultant Arnie Frink gets turned and sues his boss for nighttime work hours, citing the Americans with Disabilities Act. After the courts determined that Arnie was not, in fact, crazy—or breathing, for that matter—Arnie got his night hours, a handsome settlement, and an interview with Barbara Walters. Vampires were out, whether they wanted it or not. You probably remember everybody running around panicking, buying Vampire Home Defense Kits at Walmart, and making crosses out of tent stakes. Vampires were panicking, too, forming the World Council for the Equal Treatment of the Undead, making tentative agreements with the governments of the world, trying to keep the angry mobs at bay. But I realize that you’ll find all of this equally boring coming from me, so I’m just going to refer you to the Guide for the Newly Undead . It’s basically the survival guide for newly turned vampires. You need to memorize it, maybe carry portions of it around in your pocket.”
Jamie groaned at the thought of homework, so I moved on to more interesting topics. “The rules are pretty simple. The most important thing you have to remember is: Sunlight is bad. It will kill you. No arguments,no bargaining. You will be a little pile of dust. I tried using SPF-500 sunblock once but ended up with severe burns on my hands because I forgot to protect the creases between my fingers. The pain I can’t even describe. I would avoid it altogether to the best of your ability.”
“OK, but what about stakes and crosses and silver bullets and all that? ’Cause I’m thinking a silver-bullet gun would be pretty awesome for self-defense. It would go with the black coat.”
I sighed and made a promise to myself to keep Dick and Jamie separated as much as possible. “We’re allergic to silver. Imagine sticking your hand into a hornets’ nest and being forced to listen to the Wiggles while the little bastards repeatedly sting you.” He shuddered. “Yeah, it hurts. And if you get dosed with too much of it, your healing abilities are overwhelmed, and you can have the vampire version of anaphylactic shock.”
“Huh?”
I sighed, reminding myself that I was dealing with a young person. “Anybody at your school allergic to peanuts?”
He nodded. “Tiffany Scott’s face swells up and turns purple if she gets near a PB and J. She has to sit at a special table in the cafeteria.”
“Same principle.”
“That’s kind of cool.”
I harrumphed. “Let’s see, wooden stake to the heart, beheading, and setting us on fire—all fatal. We can see our reflections. Crosses aren’t a big deal, unless you andGod have some unresolved issues. We can go into homes uninvited, but we could be criminally charged if we do, so let’s not try that.”
“Can we turn into bats?”
“Sadly, no.”
“Garlic?” he asked.
“Stinky but not harmful.”
“What about sex?”
I tried to maintain the most neutral expression possible. “What about it?”
“Will I be having it?”
“That’s sort of up to you.”
Jamie moved toward me and put his hand on my
“Thank you for reminding me again of how young you are.” I sighed. “OK, no one knows where vampires come from. Almost every culture has some sort of vampire creature in its folklore. I could bore you to tears describing how the most popular beliefs originated from the Slavic traditions, probably spread by Gypsies asthey traveled through India and Egypt. But it’s your first night, and I’ll spare you. There are plenty of books in the library that you should study, anyway.”
Jamie blanched at the mention of assigned reading but maintained a respectful silence.
I continued, “Vampires had it pretty good for about two thousand years, lurking in the shadows, drinking their fill, looking all pretty and ageless. And then this doofus tax consultant Arnie Frink gets turned and sues his boss for nighttime work hours, citing the Americans with Disabilities Act. After the courts determined that Arnie was not, in fact, crazy—or breathing, for that matter—Arnie got his night hours, a handsome settlement, and an interview with Barbara Walters. Vampires were out, whether they wanted it or not. You probably remember everybody running around panicking, buying Vampire Home Defense Kits at Walmart, and making crosses out of tent stakes. Vampires were panicking, too, forming the World Council for the Equal Treatment of the Undead, making tentative agreements with the governments of the world, trying to keep the angry mobs at bay. But I realize that you’ll find all of this equally boring coming from me, so I’m just going to refer you to the Guide for the Newly Undead . It’s basically the survival guide for newly turned vampires. You need to memorize it, maybe carry portions of it around in your pocket.”
Jamie groaned at the thought of homework, so I moved on to more interesting topics. “The rules are pretty simple. The most important thing you have to remember is: Sunlight is bad. It will kill you. No arguments,no bargaining. You will be a little pile of dust. I tried using SPF-500 sunblock once but ended up with severe burns on my hands because I forgot to protect the creases between my fingers. The pain I can’t even describe. I would avoid it altogether to the best of your ability.”
“OK, but what about stakes and crosses and silver bullets and all that? ’Cause I’m thinking a silver-bullet gun would be pretty awesome for self-defense. It would go with the black coat.”
I sighed and made a promise to myself to keep Dick and Jamie separated as much as possible. “We’re allergic to silver. Imagine sticking your hand into a hornets’ nest and being forced to listen to the Wiggles while the little bastards repeatedly sting you.” He shuddered. “Yeah, it hurts. And if you get dosed with too much of it, your healing abilities are overwhelmed, and you can have the vampire version of anaphylactic shock.”
“Huh?”
I sighed, reminding myself that I was dealing with a young person. “Anybody at your school allergic to peanuts?”
He nodded. “Tiffany Scott’s face swells up and turns purple if she gets near a PB and J. She has to sit at a special table in the cafeteria.”
“Same principle.”
“That’s kind of cool.”
I harrumphed. “Let’s see, wooden stake to the heart, beheading, and setting us on fire—all fatal. We can see our reflections. Crosses aren’t a big deal, unless you andGod have some unresolved issues. We can go into homes uninvited, but we could be criminally charged if we do, so let’s not try that.”
“Can we turn into bats?”
“Sadly, no.”
“Garlic?” he asked.
“Stinky but not harmful.”
“What about sex?”
I tried to maintain the most neutral expression possible. “What about it?”
“Will I be having it?”
“That’s sort of up to you.”
Jamie moved toward me and put his hand on my
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