her."
"That's not good," he said. He had some questions. Had something happened recently? A death in the family? Financial problems? Trouble at work? A health matter she might not have told me about?
I had nothing.
Dr. Samuels said the best thing was for me to suggest she come and see him. You couldn't diagnose a patient who wasn't there.
I started pushing her to go talk to him. At one point, I said that if she refused to go, I'd go see him without her, never letting on I'd already done it. She was furious. But later she came into the kitchen and told me she'd made an appointment to see him the following day, which she was taking off.
The next evening, I asked how it had gone. I tried hard not to make it the first thing I asked when I saw her.
"It was good," Jan said without hesitation.
"You told him how you've been feeling?"
Jan nodded.
And what did he say?"
"Mostly he just listened," she said. "He let me talk. For a long time. I'm sure I ran into the next appointment, but he didn't rush me at all."
"He's a good guy," I said.
"So, I told him how I've been feeling, and I guess that's about it."
Surely there was more. "Did he have any suggestions? Did he write you out a prescription or anything?"
"He said there were some drugs I could try, but I told him I didn't want anything. I've already told you that. I'm not going to become some drug addict."
"So did he do anything?"
"He said I'd already taken the first positive step by coming to see him. And he said there were some people who were better at this sort of thing--"
"Psychiatrists?"
Jan nodded. "He said he'd refer me to one if I wanted."
"So you said yes?"
Jan eyed my sharply. "I said no. You think I'm crazy?"
"No, I don't think you're crazy. You don't have to be crazy to go see a psychiatrist." I'd almost said "shrink."
"I'm going to try to deal with this on my own."
"But those thoughts you were having," I said. "About whether to harm yourself." I couldn't bring myself to say "suicide."
"What about them?"
"Are you still having those?"
"People have all kinds of thoughts," she said, and walked out of the room.
That same day Jan ordered the tickets, an email arrived in my in-box at work:
"We spoke the other day. I know you're looking into Star Spangled Corrections and how they're trying to buy up all the votes on council. Reeves is not the only one they've treated to trips or gifts. They've gotten to practically everyone, so there's no way this thing is not going to go through. I've got a list of what's being paid out and who's getting it. I don't dare phone you or say who I am in this email, but I'm willing to meet you in person and give you all the evidence you need for this. Meet me tomorrow at 5:00 p.m. in the parking lot of Ted's Lakeview General Store. Take 87 north to Lake George, up by the Adirondack Park Preserve. Take 9 North, which goes for a ways alongside 87. There's an area where the woods opens up, and that's where Ted's is. Don't come early and hang around and don't wait long for me. If I'm not there by 5:10, it probably means something has happened and I'm not coming. I'll tell you this much: I'm a woman, which you probably figured out when I called you, and I will be in a white pickup."
I read it through a couple of times, sitting at my desk in the newsroom. Rattled, I signed out, went to the cafeteria for a coffee, took a couple of sips, left it there, and returned to my desk.
"You okay?" Samantha Henry, at her desk next to mine, asked. "I said hello to you twice and you ignored me."
The Hotmail address it had been sent from was a random series of letters and numbers that offered no clues about the author. I made a couple of notes, then deleted the email. Then I went into the deleted emails and made sure it was purged from the system. Maybe I was paranoid, but ever since learning that the paper's owners had an interest in selling land to Star Spangled Corrections, I'd been looking over my shoulder a bit more.
I didn't trust
Alan Cook
Unknown Author
Cheryl Holt
Angela Andrew;Swan Sue;Farley Bentley
Reshonda Tate Billingsley
Pamela Samuels Young
Peter Kocan
Allan Topol
Isaac Crowe
Sherwood Smith