Read Online My Best Friend Has Issues by Laura Marney - Free Book Online

Scotland. Like me.’
    With the introductions over Ewan returned to speaking Spanish. Rather than stand there smiling I took the opportunity to go to the toilet. When I came back Sanj had moved off to work therest of the tables and Ewan handed me a fresh glass of wine and a bunch of flowers.
    ‘Thought these might straighten your face,’ he said gruffly.
    No one had ever bought me flowers before. No, that wasn’t true. My brothers had brought armloads when I was dying in hospital but that was different. When I was dying in hospital I couldn’t understand how these beautiful dead things, cut off in their prime, were supposed to make me feel better. Death was ugly and frightening , I’d come to Barcelona to get away from it. But perhaps Ewan had only bought them to help out his friend. I’d watched the previous vendors work hard even to sell a one-euro rose. I couldn’t see how there was any money in it. But even so, I was grateful to Ewan for the gesture.
    ‘Cheers,’ I mumbled.
    ‘Have you eaten?’ asked Ewan.
    ‘Not yet.’
    ‘Well, we can’t let you go hungry. Your big brother would kill me.’
    Dear Lisa and Lauren, Having dinner in a café with my date. He has just bought me flowers. On my second glass of wine. Mum and Dr Collins can go fuck themselves. Wine here is poured from the casks, nice and fresh although I know your palate is more suited to boxes of Morrison’s own-brand Chardonnay.
    While Ewan organised us a table he asked me to choose something from the food piled in the glass case on the bar. This system was different from the Spanish restaurant I’d been to in Cumbernauld . In Cumbernauld miniscule portions of sausage or prawns, bobbing in pools of green oil, were ordered from a menu.
    Apart from sardines, which I didn’t like anyway, I didn’t recognise anything. Ewan pointed towards something he described as ‘ chiperones ’ and I nodded, only because the batter it was coated in was familiar looking. When it came it had eyeballs, two of them I was careful to note. And tentacles, loads of them. It was whole baby squid, Ewan explained. I hadn’t eaten since yesterday afternoon, I couldn’t face food but I knew I should soak up the alcohol. Suddenly my mouth flooded with saliva.
    ‘Wolf in,’ said Ewan.
    I closed my eyes and crammed a baby squid into my mouth.
    ‘How is it?’
    ‘Mmm, crispy on the outside, chewy on the inside. Reassuringly greasy and salty. Like my mum’s cooking but absolutely nothing like it at all.’
    Something else arrived at the table: small, fried and salted green peppers.
    ‘ Pimientos de Padrón ,’ said Ewan.
    An amused smile played around his lips as he watched me eat, closing my eyes to scoff the chiperones and tearing out the pepper stalks with my fingers and teeth.
    ‘ Pimientos de Padrón, algunos pican, otros no ,’ he said as though reciting a nursery rhyme.
    By my expression he could see that I didn’t get it.
    ‘Some are hot, some not,’ he explained, ‘just be careful, you’ll know all about it if you get a hot one.’
    It wasn’t until my tongue exploded in a firestorm that I got it. The heat in my mouth became apparent on my face. Ewan found this hilarious. He’d obviously been waiting for this, playing Russian roulette at my expense, watching to see which innocent-looking pepper would turn out to be edible dynamite.
    My face was purple with embarrassment and smothered coughing, but I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me choke. I pulled my stomach muscles tight and swallowed the fiery pepper. I reached for my wine glass, drained it and walked out. Outside in the street, out of sight and earshot of Ewan, with my eyes and nose streaming, I allowed myself a good cough. This was a sustained and productive cough, so productive I nearly vomited, but instead of clearing my lungs, my windpipe became narrower and I found it increasingly difficult to breathe.
    I wasn’t surprised by this fit, it had happened before. It had