Read Online Mulliner Nights by P.G. Wodehouse - Free Book Online

woman, seems entirely lacking in discrimination in the matter
of cats. She owns and is devoted to a quite impossible orange-coloured animal
of the name of Percy, whose society could not but prove distasteful to one of
Webster’s high principles. When I tell you that only last night this Percy was
engaging in personal combat — quite obviously from the worst motives — with a
large tortoiseshell beneath my very window, you will understand what I mean.
    ‘My refusal to
allow Webster to join me here is, I fear, puzzling my kind hostess, who knows
how greatly I miss him, but I must be firm.
    ‘Keep him,
therefore, my dear Lancelot, until I call in person when I shall remove him to
the quiet rural retreat where I plan to spend the evening of my life.
    ‘With every good wish to you both,
    ‘Your affectionate uncle,
    ‘ THEODORE .
     
     
    Gladys Bingley
had listened intently to this letter, an as Lancelot came to the end of it she
breathed a sigh c relief.
    ‘Well, that
gives us a bit of time,’ she said.
    ‘Yes,’ agreed
Lancelot. ‘Time to see if we can’t awake in this animal some faint eh of its
old self-respect. From to-day Webster goes into monastic seclusion. I shall
take him round to the vet’s, with instructions that he be forced to lead the
simple life. In those pure surroundings, with no temptations, no late nights,
plain food and a strict milk diet, he may become himself again.’
    ‘“The Man Who
Came Back”,’ said Gladys.
    ‘Exactly,’
said Lancelot.
     
    And so for
perhaps two weeks something approaching tranquillity reigned once more in my
cousin Edward’s sons studio in Bott Street, Chelsea. The veterinary surgeon
issued encouraging reports. He claimed a distinct improvement in Webster’s
character and appearance, though he added that he would still not care to meet
him at night in a lonely alley. And then one morning there arrived from his
Uncle Theodore a telegram which caused the young man to knit his brows in
bewilderment.
    It ran thus:
     
    ‘On receipt of
this come immediately Widdrington Manor prepared for indefinite visit period
Circumstances comma I regret to say comma necessitate innocent deception semicolon
so will you state on arrival that you are my legal representative and have
come to discuss important family matters with me period Will explain fully when
see you comma but rest assured comma my dear boy comma that would not ask this
were it not absolutely essential period Do not fail me period Regards to
Webster.’
    Lancelot
finished reading this mysterious communication, and looked at Gladys with
raised eyebrows. There is unfortunately in most artists a material streak
which leads them to place an unpleasant interpretation on telegrams like this.
Lancelot was no exception to the rule.
    ‘The old boy’s
been having a couple,’ was his verdict.
    Gladys, a
woman and therefore more spiritual, demurred.
    ‘It sounds to
me,’ she said, ‘more as if he had gone off his onion. Why should he want you to
pretend to be a lawyer?’
    ‘He says he
will explain fully.’
    And how do you
pretend to be a lawyer?’
    Lancelot
considered.
    ‘Lawyers cough
dryly, I know that,’ he said. And then I suppose one would put the tips of the
fingers together a good deal and talk about Rex v. Biggs Ltd and torts
and malfeasances and so forth. I think I could give a reasonably realistic
impersonation.’
    ‘Well, if you’re
going, you’d better start practising.’
    ‘Oh, I’m going
all right,’ said Lancelot. ‘Uncle Theodore is evidently in trouble of some
kind, and my place is by his side. If all goes well, I might be able to bite
his ear before he sees Webster. About how much ought we to have in order to get
married comfortably?’
    At least five
hundred.’
    ‘I will bear
it in mind,’ said Lancelot, coughing dryly and putting the tips of his fingers
together.
    Lancelot had
hoped, on arriving at Widdrington Manor, that the first person he met would be
his Uncle Theodore,