Read Online Monstrous Regiment by Terry Pratchett - Free Book Online

rain was drumming on the canvas, Carborundum said: “Okay, den, I fink I’ve worked it out. If people are groophar stupid, then we’ll fight for groophar stupidity, ’cos it’s our stupidity. And dat’s good, yeah?”
    Several of the squad sat up in the darkness, amazed at this.
    “I realize I ought to know these things, but what does groophar mean?” said the voice of Maladict in the damp darkness.
    “Ah, well…when, right, a daddy troll an’ a mummy troll—”
    “Good, right, yes, I think I’ve got it, thank you,” said Maladict. “And what you’ve got there, my friend, is patriotism. My country, right or wrong.”
    “You should love your country,” said Shufti.
    “Okay, what part?” the voice of Tonker demanded, from the far corner of the tent. “The morning sunlight on the mountains? The horrible food? The damn mad Abominations? All of my country except whatever bit Strappi is standing on?”
    “But we are at war!”
    “Yes, that’s where they’ve got you,” sighed Polly.
    “Well, I’m not buying into it. It’s all trickery. They keep you down and when they piss off some other country, you have to fight for them! It’s only your country when they want you to get killed!” said Tonker.
    “All the good bits in this country are in this tent,” said the voice of Wazzer.
    Embarrassed silence descended.
    The rain settled in. After a while, the tent began to leak.
    Eventually someone said, “What happens, um, if you join up but then you decide you don’t want to?”
    That was Shufti.
    “I think it’s called deserting and they cut your head off,” said the voice of Maladict. “In my case, that would be a drawback but you, dear Shufti, would find it simply puts a big crimp in your social life.”
    “I never kissed their damn picture,” said Tonker. “I swiveled it round when Strappi wasn’t looking and kissed it on the back!”
    “They’ll still say you kissed the Duchess, though,” said Maladict.
    “You k-kissed the D-duchess on the b-bottom?” said Wazzer, horrified.
    “It was the back of the picture, okay?” said Tonker. “It wasn’t her real backside. Huh, wouldn’t have kissed it if it was!” There was some unidentified sniggering from various corners and just a hint of giggle.
    “That was w-wicked!” hissed Wazzer. “Nuggan in heaven saw you d-do that!”
    “It was just a picture, all right?” muttered Tonker. “Anyway, what’s the difference? Front or back, we’re all here together and I don’t see any steak and bacon!”
    Something rumbled overhead. “I joined t’ see exciting forrin places and meet erotic people,” said Carborundum.
    That caused a moment’s thought. “I think you mean exotic?” said Igor.
    “Yeah, that kind of stuff,” agreed the troll.
    “But they always lie,” said someone, and then Polly realized it was her. “They lie all the time. About everything.”
    “Amen to that,” said Tonker. “We fight for liars.”
    “Ah, they may be liars!” snapped Polly, in a passable imitation of Strappi’s yap. “But they’re our liars!”
    “Now, now, children,” said Maladict. “Let’s try to get some sleep, shall we? But here’s a happy little dream from your Uncle Maladict. Dream that when we go into battle, Corporal Strappi is leading us. Wouldn’t that be fun?”
    After a while, Tonker said: “In front of us, you mean?”
    “Oh, yes. I can see you’re with me, Tonk. Right in front of you. On the noisy, frantic, confusing battlefield, where oh so much can go wrong.”
    “And we’ll have weapons?” said Shufti wistfully.
    “Of course you’ll have weapons. You’re soldiers. And there’s the enemy, right in front of you…”
    “That’s a good dream, Mal.”
    “Sleep on it, kid.”
    Polly turned over, and tried to make herself comfortable.
    It’s all lies, she though muzzily. Some of them are just prettier than others, that’s all. People see what they think is there. Even I’m a lie. But I’m getting away with