Read Online Monkeys Wearing Pants by Jon Waldrep - Free Book Online

read anything into
this, but my space bar is sticking.
    I don't know anything about this TV show,
but 'Devious Maids' is the most God awful title I have ever heard
of. (Note: Please look forward to my new television hit, "Scheming
Accountants.")
    My porn name is Monkey San Marino.
    I just spent the last three minutes going
mano-a-mano with a re-sealable bag that was not cooperating. That’s
three minutes I’ll never get back…
    Of all the driving offences that bug me,
tailgating is the worst whether it’s on the freeway or just on some
street in town. When someone is tailgating me I feel like yelling
at them, “We are not two dogs at the dog park trying to get to know
each other better! Get your schnozzle out of my ass!”
    Did you ever walk out of a store and go to
the place you parked the LAST TIME you were at that store and then
think, just for a minute, that your car has been stolen and then
remember that you’re actually looking where you parked the last
time and then walk around, resolutely, until you finally find your
friggin’ car? Yeah, me neither.
    I'm going to download Photoshop into the
mirror in our bathroom and teach it how to airbrush.
    I have a zit the size of Lake Titicaca. 54
years old and I'm dealing with a zit that could be mistaken for a
VW bug if I parallel parked my face. Now, if I could just teach it
to hold the door open for me.
    I have got to clean the fish tank tomorrow.
It’s starting to look like aquatic section-8 housing.
    It looks like Amazon is looking to get into
the online grocery business. If they do, remember not to shop
(online) when you’re hungry.
    So I just left the sprinkler on in the front
lawn for like 8 hours. Some people might say that I’m forgetful.
No, I would argue. I’m just subliminally trying to restore
America’s wetlands.
    The hotel I stayed at last night in Fresno
had a low-flow (water saving) showerhead. Taking a shower was like
being spit on by three, parched, mean spirited geckos. :-(
    We just do not use the word skullduggery
enough in everyday conversation. I'm going to teach it to the girls
in hopes it spreads like wildfire in elementary schools
everywhere.
    Irregardless is a word. Look it up. Yet,
even though it's a word, Merriam-Webster says you shouldn't use it.
That only makes me want to use it more and makes me, I guess, a
word rebel. Sweet.
    Personal challenge…I am going to work in a
“You will rue the day!” into everyday conversations.
    I have a fear of semicolons. They are
confusing and bully regular commas to no end.
    Somewhere a study must have been conducted
that concluded most people need to be prodded about 10 times to
subscribe to a magazine before they submit to the pressure. At
least that’s about how many of those annoying, indexed-card-sized
subscription forms that seem to fall out of every, single magazine
I read.
    I have a friend who hates the font ‘Comic
Sans’ to the point that it makes him angry. Ironic.
    No, I didn’t roll a 300 in bowling, find a
4-leaf-clover, make a hole in one or win the lottery. But I did
find ALL THREE REMOTES in the remote caddie at the same time next
to the TV. Luckiest day ever!
    I'm going to lock my shoelaces in a room
until they can work out their differences and agree that they can
be the same length coming out of my shoe.
    Kid behind the counter: What would you
like?
    Me: I'll have a number three, regular size
with Diet Coke, to go.
    Kid behind the counter: What size?
    Me: Umm....yeah, that would be regular.
    Kid behind the counter: And what would you
like to drink?
    Me: Still a Diet Coke.
    Kid behind the counter: Is that for here or
to go?
    Me: Wow. To go.
    I take it back. A few people really should
earn minimum wage.
    When did we become so flavor obsessed? I
went to buy some sunflower seeds and was amazed at how many
different flavors there are (dill pickle?). You can now buy
toothpaste that tastes like pork, or Champagne or even Cola-cola.
You can get buffalo wing soda, ice-cream that is a