Read Online Monkey Business by John R. Erickson - Free Book Online

she came home, we would be lying on the rug beside the back door, minding our own business and guarding her house against robbers and fiends. No messes, not even one. She would be SO proud of us!
    I heard the back door slam. The car started and went roaring up the hill in front of the house. And then . . . silence. I inched my way out from under the bed.
    â€œAll right, Drover, you can come out now. The coast is clear.”
    â€œHow can you have a coast without an ocean?”
    â€œWhat?”
    He sneezed. “I said, it sure is dusty under there. Tears up by siduses.”
    â€œAre you saying that Sally May doesn’t clean under her beds? Are you suggesting that she isn’t a good housekeeper? Get to the point, Drover.”
    He sneezed again. “I dodt doe the poid, but by dose is all stobbed up.”
    â€œWell, let me remind you that a stopped-up nose is a small price to pay for being safe inside the house, away from the monkey.”
    â€œI thought you two were frids.”
    â€œMe? Friends with a monkey? Drover, I never trusted the little whelp, not for a minute.”
    He sniffed his nose. “Thid what was all thad stuff aboud you being the Grade Gred Podendade?”
    I glared at the runt. “Great Grand Potentate? I don’t know what you’re talking about. You must have been dreaming.”
    â€œDoe, I wasn’t dreebig. You said you were the Grade Gred Podendade, and the bucky was your Captain of the Guards.”
    â€œRubbish. Come on, let’s make a pass through the house and check things out. We’re in charge now.”
    I crept out of the bedroom, peeked out the door, looked around in all directions, and started into the living room to give it a security sweep.
    Drover was behind me, walking on tiptoes and checking things out with big moon eyes. “Hake, can buckys oben doors and cub into houses?”
    I stopped. “What?” He repeated the question. Translated into common, non-sinus language, it meant, “Hank, can monkeys open doors and come into houses?” It was your typical dumb Drover-type question.
    â€œDon’t be ridiculous. We’re safe inside the house, and I wish you’d stop asking silly questions.”
    â€œWhad’s the edser?”
    â€œThe answer, which is obvious to everyone but you, is no, monkeys cannot now and never have been able to open doors and come into houses.”
    â€œHow do you doe?”
    â€œI know because . . . because it’s the law, Drover. Or if it’s not, it should be and will be. We live under a system of laws, not monkeys. No monkey is above the law and no law is below a monkey.”
    He ran his eyes around the room. “Baby so, but Hake, I’m feelig a little scared byself. I don’t ever wad to see that bucky again.”
    â€œNor do I, but that’s my whole point, Drover. The law is here to protect us, to give us feelings of security, right? And laws are made by mature, responsible individuals, right? Hencely, we will put the democratic system to work and pass a law against monkeys.”
    â€œWell I’ll be derd. I devver would have thought of that.”
    I gave him a fatherly smile. “Which is only one of many reasons why you’re not Head of Ranch Security. Come on, let’s get this thing signed into law and then we can relax. I’ll give you a little lesson in government.”
    We went into the living room and I hopped up in that big rocking chair over by the east window, just below the hanging plant. I told Drover to sit on the floor in front of me.
    I cleared my throat and struck a dignified pose. “The chair will now entertain a motion from the floor.”
    Drover gave me a blank stare. “You mean, that chair’s going to dance on the floor?”
    â€œNo, that’s NOT what I mean.”
    â€œWell, you said ‘entertain,’ and I just thought . . .”
    â€œAre you trying to make a mockery of our system of