My name is A.J. and I hate ferrets.
Did you ever see a ferret? They are these disgusting brown animals that look like long, skinny rats.
My friend Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes, has a pet ferret. His name is Mr. Wiggles. Last year Neil brought Mr. Wiggles to schoolon Crazy Pet Day. He escaped from his cage and climbed into a hat that belonged to this crybaby girl named Emilyâwhile it was on her
head
! Emily freaked and went running out of the room.
It was hilarious. You should have been there! We saw it live and in person.
This year we didnât have Crazy Pet Day. We had Adopt-A-Pet Month. My teacher, Mr. Granite, said we could bring in a pet, and each of us would have to take it home for a night to take care of it.
âOkay, who brought in a furry friend today?â asked Mr. Granite, who is from another planet.
âI forgot,â I said.
âI forgot,â said my friend Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isnât food.
âI forgot,â said Michael, who never ties his shoes.
âI forgot,â said Alexia, who is a girl that rides a skateboard all the time.
In case you were wondering, everybody was saying they forgot to bring in a pet. Except for one person.
Neil the nude kid.
âI remembered!â shouted Neil.
He took Mr. Wiggles out of his cage. Ugh. It was disgusting.
âHeâs adorable!â said all the girls.
âKill him!â yelled all the boys except for Neil.
âIâm scared,â said Emily, whoâs scared of everything.
âWhat can you tell us about your ferret, Neil?â asked Mr. Granite.
âWell, when Mr. Wiggles gets excited, he starts hopping sideways and bumping into things,â Neil said. âItâs called the weasel war dance.â
âThatâs interesting!â said Mr. Granite. âDoes anyone else know anything about ferrets?â
âOooooooooooh! Oooooooooooh!â
said Andrea Young, this girl with curly brown hair. She was waving her arm around like she was trying to be rescued from a desert island. Andrea is so annoying. In her sparetime, she reads the encyclopedia for fun.
âMale ferrets are called hobs,â Andrea said, âand females are called jills.â
âVery good, Andrea!â said Mr. Granite.
Why canât a truck full of ferrets fall on Andreaâs head?
âWhat do ferrets eat?â asked Emily.
âThey eat girls named Emily,â I said.
âEEEEEEEEEEK!â Emily screamed, and then she went running out of the room.
Sheesh, get a grip! That girl will fall for anything.
Emily is weird. So are ferrets. *
Neil put Mr. Wiggles in his cubby, and then we pledged the allegiance.
âOkay, letâs get to work, shall we?â said Mr. Granite. âWeâre way behind and have a lot to cover. So turn to page twenty-three in your math book andââ
Mr. Granite didnât get the chance to finishhis sentence because an announcement came over the loudspeaker.
âAll classes please report to the all-purpose room.â
âNot
again
!â said Mr. Granite, slamming his math book shut.
We had to walk a million hundred miles to the all-purpose room, which is a room that is used for all purposes, so it has the perfect name. There were flags, banners, and red, white, and blue stuff all over the place. Nobody knew why. I had to sit next to Andrea. Ugh, disgusting!
Everybody was talking, so our principal, Mr. Klutz, made a peace sign with his fingers. That means âshut up.â Everybody stopped talking.
âElection Day is coming up,â said Mr. Klutz, who has no hair at all. âTo help you learn about democracy, weâre going to have elections at Ella Mentry School! Each of you will get to vote for one of your classmates to be president of your grade.Doesnât that sound like fun?â
âYes!â shouted all the girls.
âNo!â shouted all the boys.
Then Mr.
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