Read Online Maybe Forever (Maybe... Book 3) by Kim Golden - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Kim Golden
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with Liv."
There it was. My dirty little secret out in the open. I covered my mouth with my hand... all the times I'd felt like I was going through the motions with Freya when I should have been feeling overwhelmed with love for her. On rare days I held her and wondered if she was really mine, this slippery, wriggly little girl who seemed to want only me, even when I sometimes wanted nothing more than to sleep. Those days when I felt numb, when I had to fake enthusiasm for the new things she could do...I knew it was these blues eating away at me.
"I don't know what do, Auntie."
"Tomorrow, you and Freya will come to the yoga studio with me. We have a Baby & Me yoga class. I think it'll be good for you. And for Freya."
The rest of the afternoon, my aunt's words of advice were still reeling through my mind. If she could see that my devotion to my youngest daughter wasn't as strong as it should be, how many other people were observant enough to notice it? Had Mads noticed it? Was this why he often went to her and showered her with affection before he even came to me? When Freya scrambled into my lap as I unpacked our suitcases, I made sure to give her more cuddles and kisses. She reached for my cheek and patted me. I smiled down at her. She had her father's eyes—surprisingly dark, flashing green and copper...I'd thought that Liv would have Mads's eyes, but her eyes were a golden-brown like mine. Freya even had the same splash of brown freckles across her nose as her father. Somehow I'd never noticed this until now, and it shamed me. How many other things had I missed because of this awful, awful fog?
My throat constricted—oh Christ, I was going to start crying. My eyes were already burning, my head throbbing. Freya blinked at me and sang "ma-ma-la-la" at me. Her tinkling voice made me smile and then laugh again. Tears were already sliding down my cheeks but it was this moment—so sweet and clear and the sort of moment I'd longed for with Freya, seeing her, holding her and loving her. I wanted more moments like this with her.
I didn't hear my aunt when she came into the room. She stood in the doorway, watching as Freya sang to me and I tickled my little one's tummy.
"So you'll come tomorrow?" Cecily asked.
"Yes." I rocked Freya as a well of giggles erupted from her. "We'll both come."
Later, after I'd bathed the girls, after I'd read to them and tucked them in, I closed the door to my bedroom, sat on the edge of my bed and turned on my phone for the first time since we'd arrived. My message inbox was full of text messages and voicemail from Mads. I read every message.. . Laney, where are you? Laney, please call me... Laney, I love you, please, call me, tell me you are okay. Why did you leave? Why? Laney...why...I love you... I can't stand this. Why? Where are you...please...call me... I need to know you're okay...
His voicemails too tore my heart to shreds. I heard the fear, the confusion, the pain in his voice. With each pause, each ragged breath, I pictured him tearing from room to room looking for us. "...I know I screwed up, Laney. I thought... I thought... Tell me where you are. I'll come, just tell me."
His voice crept along my spine, sparking every nerve fiber in me. It hurt to be with him...it hurt even more to be away from him. I listened to his messages again and again, unable to resist the pull. He'd sobbed as if I'd ripped his heart from his chest. "I don't know how to live without you, Laney...just, please, tell me where you are."
That evening I dared to do what my aunt said I ought to do. I called Mads, knowing that it was the middle of the night in Denmark. His phone rang twice before it went to his voicemail. Once his outgoing message finished playing, I cleared my throat and said, "Hi...it's me. The girls and I are okay. But...you can't come here. Not yet."
And then I hung up, and everything inside me fell apart.
CHAPTER SIX: Mads
The Truth Hurts
I couldn't sleep. The apartment was
There it was. My dirty little secret out in the open. I covered my mouth with my hand... all the times I'd felt like I was going through the motions with Freya when I should have been feeling overwhelmed with love for her. On rare days I held her and wondered if she was really mine, this slippery, wriggly little girl who seemed to want only me, even when I sometimes wanted nothing more than to sleep. Those days when I felt numb, when I had to fake enthusiasm for the new things she could do...I knew it was these blues eating away at me.
"I don't know what do, Auntie."
"Tomorrow, you and Freya will come to the yoga studio with me. We have a Baby & Me yoga class. I think it'll be good for you. And for Freya."
The rest of the afternoon, my aunt's words of advice were still reeling through my mind. If she could see that my devotion to my youngest daughter wasn't as strong as it should be, how many other people were observant enough to notice it? Had Mads noticed it? Was this why he often went to her and showered her with affection before he even came to me? When Freya scrambled into my lap as I unpacked our suitcases, I made sure to give her more cuddles and kisses. She reached for my cheek and patted me. I smiled down at her. She had her father's eyes—surprisingly dark, flashing green and copper...I'd thought that Liv would have Mads's eyes, but her eyes were a golden-brown like mine. Freya even had the same splash of brown freckles across her nose as her father. Somehow I'd never noticed this until now, and it shamed me. How many other things had I missed because of this awful, awful fog?
My throat constricted—oh Christ, I was going to start crying. My eyes were already burning, my head throbbing. Freya blinked at me and sang "ma-ma-la-la" at me. Her tinkling voice made me smile and then laugh again. Tears were already sliding down my cheeks but it was this moment—so sweet and clear and the sort of moment I'd longed for with Freya, seeing her, holding her and loving her. I wanted more moments like this with her.
I didn't hear my aunt when she came into the room. She stood in the doorway, watching as Freya sang to me and I tickled my little one's tummy.
"So you'll come tomorrow?" Cecily asked.
"Yes." I rocked Freya as a well of giggles erupted from her. "We'll both come."
Later, after I'd bathed the girls, after I'd read to them and tucked them in, I closed the door to my bedroom, sat on the edge of my bed and turned on my phone for the first time since we'd arrived. My message inbox was full of text messages and voicemail from Mads. I read every message.. . Laney, where are you? Laney, please call me... Laney, I love you, please, call me, tell me you are okay. Why did you leave? Why? Laney...why...I love you... I can't stand this. Why? Where are you...please...call me... I need to know you're okay...
His voicemails too tore my heart to shreds. I heard the fear, the confusion, the pain in his voice. With each pause, each ragged breath, I pictured him tearing from room to room looking for us. "...I know I screwed up, Laney. I thought... I thought... Tell me where you are. I'll come, just tell me."
His voice crept along my spine, sparking every nerve fiber in me. It hurt to be with him...it hurt even more to be away from him. I listened to his messages again and again, unable to resist the pull. He'd sobbed as if I'd ripped his heart from his chest. "I don't know how to live without you, Laney...just, please, tell me where you are."
That evening I dared to do what my aunt said I ought to do. I called Mads, knowing that it was the middle of the night in Denmark. His phone rang twice before it went to his voicemail. Once his outgoing message finished playing, I cleared my throat and said, "Hi...it's me. The girls and I are okay. But...you can't come here. Not yet."
And then I hung up, and everything inside me fell apart.
CHAPTER SIX: Mads
The Truth Hurts
I couldn't sleep. The apartment was
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