Read Online May Contain Nuts by John O'Farrell - Free Book Online
Authors: John O'Farrell
Ads: Link
back!â
âYou canât do a test paper after drinking alcohol. It will affect your score. You can have a drink when youâve finished â that can be your reward.â
âDonât treat me like a child, David. I want my wine and I want it now!â
âAfter youâve done a numeracy test. Come on! Thereâs a paper waiting for you on my desk. And a glass of milk and some biscuits.â
Why was it that whenever I announced a project my husband had to be even more keen on it than I was? Why couldnât I be married to one of those wonderful husbands who are completely unsupportive and uninterested in their wives or children?
âIâll do it tomorrow,â I mumbled sulkily.
âNo, tomorrow is non-verbal reasoning. Iâve worked out your revision timetableâ â and he thrust his spreadsheet under my nose as if this was some higher authority that neither of us could argue with.
âNow, come on, if weâre going to do this weâve got to do it properly. All the kids going for this exam will have been tutored and tested for the past couple of years; you canât assume that youâll do better than them just because youâre an adult. Itâs twenty years since you got your maths O level.â
This didnât seem the moment to mention to my husband that in fact I never got my maths O level. That I had failed it twice and then given up. Even now I regularly set the video for 18:30, thus failing to record the programme that started at half past eight.
âWell, I was just going to have ten minutes, but I can start now if you want,â I said getting to my feet. âI am thirty-six. I would imagine that Iâm going to be a bit smarter than any tenor eleven-year-old â¦â
Davidâs desk had been cleared of all clutter. Reflecting the harsh glare of the spotlight, a clean white test paper stared up at me from where it lay beside a freshly sharpened pencil. Analarm clock was placed on the desk where it ticked slightly too loudly.
âIâve made it as much like the real thing as possible. Now remember to check your answers,â he said, âand show any workings out.â
âYes, yes, I know,â I said tersely.
âAnd if you get stuck on a question, just move on to the next one and come back to it if you have time at the end.â
âRight, thatâs it! Iâm not doing it! If you are going to patronize me and exploit this exercise to try to make yourself appear all superior then Iâll do the tests in my own time.â
âBut thatâs what you say to Molly â¦â
âMolly is eleven.â
âAnd so are you, my darling. You have to walk like an eleven-year-old, talk like an eleven-year-old, write like an eleven-year-old and even fidget like an eleven-year-old. Now come on, do this paper and Iâll buy you an Avril Lavigne CD.â I read the first question and was surprised by how easy it was. Converting fractions to decimals ⦠I remembered doing these with Molly. 1/100 as a decimal is 0.01, so I quickly wrote the answer in the box and was aware of an approving grunt from behind me.
âCould you shut the door please, David?â
He pushed the door to and, without looking round, I added, âNo, from the other side.â
I occasionally wonder how husband-and-wife teams ever achieve anything. Did Hilary Clinton really think it would be possible to reform US healthcare policy when the president was her husband?
âBill, have you read my draft report on Medicare reforms?â
âYou donât have to say it in that voice â¦â
âIâm not saying it in any voice, I just want to know if youâve bothered to read it?â
âBothered? So youâre saying Iâm lazy now? Just because I forgot our anniversary when we were invading Somalia â¦â
I was determined not to give David a single incorrect answer at which he could
âYou canât do a test paper after drinking alcohol. It will affect your score. You can have a drink when youâve finished â that can be your reward.â
âDonât treat me like a child, David. I want my wine and I want it now!â
âAfter youâve done a numeracy test. Come on! Thereâs a paper waiting for you on my desk. And a glass of milk and some biscuits.â
Why was it that whenever I announced a project my husband had to be even more keen on it than I was? Why couldnât I be married to one of those wonderful husbands who are completely unsupportive and uninterested in their wives or children?
âIâll do it tomorrow,â I mumbled sulkily.
âNo, tomorrow is non-verbal reasoning. Iâve worked out your revision timetableâ â and he thrust his spreadsheet under my nose as if this was some higher authority that neither of us could argue with.
âNow, come on, if weâre going to do this weâve got to do it properly. All the kids going for this exam will have been tutored and tested for the past couple of years; you canât assume that youâll do better than them just because youâre an adult. Itâs twenty years since you got your maths O level.â
This didnât seem the moment to mention to my husband that in fact I never got my maths O level. That I had failed it twice and then given up. Even now I regularly set the video for 18:30, thus failing to record the programme that started at half past eight.
âWell, I was just going to have ten minutes, but I can start now if you want,â I said getting to my feet. âI am thirty-six. I would imagine that Iâm going to be a bit smarter than any tenor eleven-year-old â¦â
Davidâs desk had been cleared of all clutter. Reflecting the harsh glare of the spotlight, a clean white test paper stared up at me from where it lay beside a freshly sharpened pencil. Analarm clock was placed on the desk where it ticked slightly too loudly.
âIâve made it as much like the real thing as possible. Now remember to check your answers,â he said, âand show any workings out.â
âYes, yes, I know,â I said tersely.
âAnd if you get stuck on a question, just move on to the next one and come back to it if you have time at the end.â
âRight, thatâs it! Iâm not doing it! If you are going to patronize me and exploit this exercise to try to make yourself appear all superior then Iâll do the tests in my own time.â
âBut thatâs what you say to Molly â¦â
âMolly is eleven.â
âAnd so are you, my darling. You have to walk like an eleven-year-old, talk like an eleven-year-old, write like an eleven-year-old and even fidget like an eleven-year-old. Now come on, do this paper and Iâll buy you an Avril Lavigne CD.â I read the first question and was surprised by how easy it was. Converting fractions to decimals ⦠I remembered doing these with Molly. 1/100 as a decimal is 0.01, so I quickly wrote the answer in the box and was aware of an approving grunt from behind me.
âCould you shut the door please, David?â
He pushed the door to and, without looking round, I added, âNo, from the other side.â
I occasionally wonder how husband-and-wife teams ever achieve anything. Did Hilary Clinton really think it would be possible to reform US healthcare policy when the president was her husband?
âBill, have you read my draft report on Medicare reforms?â
âYou donât have to say it in that voice â¦â
âIâm not saying it in any voice, I just want to know if youâve bothered to read it?â
âBothered? So youâre saying Iâm lazy now? Just because I forgot our anniversary when we were invading Somalia â¦â
I was determined not to give David a single incorrect answer at which he could
Similar Books
