where you lived. Isn’t that a little extreme? I mean, would anyone even order it?”
“I don’t know, but I think so.”
“So you’re thinking of going to California,” she guessed, shaking her head.
“Yeah. While I’m off duty.”
“So soon.”
He nodded. “Montoya will watch my back here, look after you.”
“You think I need looking after?”
“No. But…”
“But just in case I feel abandoned, he’s around. Right?” she mocked. “In the off chance that I feel you’re on a wild goose chase, or following a ghost or…I don’t know, dealing with all those old feelings you haven’t quite laid to rest, I can count on your partner, not you. Is that what you’re saying?”
He felt the muscles in his back tighten.
“I don’t need to be babysat or coddled, okay? I’ve lived in that house most of my life. A lot of it alone. I don’t need ‘looking after.’ Sometimes I wonder if you’ve lost your mind!”
That makes two of us.
“Maybe you should just let the cops handle this.”
“I’m a cop.”
“No, not this time.” She shook her head, golden strands of her hair catching in the candlelight. “This time I think you’re the victim.”
“Listen, Livvie—”
“To what? Some excuse to go chasing after a woman who’s dead? Some trumped-up rationale? This is a situation for the police,” she said, pointing to the death certificate and photographs of Jennifer. “And as for ‘seeing’ Jennifer, maybe you should take that up with your doctor or, heaven forbid, a shrink. These photos…they have to be fakes!”
“Olivia—”
“I hear what you’re telling me, Bentz. Word for word. But it’s what you’re not telling me that is drumming through my head, pounding in my brain, and ripping a damned hole in my heart.”
“Wait a second.”
“No, I’m not waiting. Not a second, not half a second. You’re going to hear me out. The way I see it, what’s going on here is that you’re hell-bent for leather to chase after your past. Face it. If we’ve had a problem in our marriage it’s been Jennifer. Kristi’s mother. A woman you divorced because she was cheating on you, then took back, even though she couldn’t be faithful. You’ve been fighting emotions that have been eating at you for over a decade: Guilt. Guilt that you’re alive and she’s not.”
“Is that your professional opinion?”
“Nothing professional about it. Common sense.” She looked about to say something more, then pushed the rest of her salad aside. “Look, if you need to go, then go. Figure it out. Because, you know, I’ve tried to be supportive and understanding and upbeat, but this has been eating at you. So go. Find out what it is. That’s important, yeah, but what’s really important to me is that you deal with the past and put it away.”
He felt a tic near his temple. “If you don’t want me to go—”
“Oh, no, you don’t. Don’t you dare go there. This is your deal, not mine. You feel this is something you need to do, then do it.”
“I thought you wanted me to open up, to tell you what was bothering me.”
“Yeah,” she admitted, nodding, then waiting as their entrées were served. “I did want to know, but I thought it might happen a little earlier, you know, before you’d already mentally packed your bags to take off for La La Land.”
“I told you, if you don’t want me to go, just say the word.”
She hesitated, then leaned forward. “No, Rick. I want you to go. As happy as we’ve been, and we have been happy, there’s always been that little bit of doubt on my part. And guilt on yours. Look, if Jennifer were still alive we might not be together. So now we get to find out just how strong our marriage is.”
“I think it’s damned strong.”
“Do you?”
“Yes.”
“But you can’t commit to a child.”
“I have a child.” He was about to say more but saw by the darkening of her eyes that he’d wounded her. Instead he reached across the table to
“I don’t know, but I think so.”
“So you’re thinking of going to California,” she guessed, shaking her head.
“Yeah. While I’m off duty.”
“So soon.”
He nodded. “Montoya will watch my back here, look after you.”
“You think I need looking after?”
“No. But…”
“But just in case I feel abandoned, he’s around. Right?” she mocked. “In the off chance that I feel you’re on a wild goose chase, or following a ghost or…I don’t know, dealing with all those old feelings you haven’t quite laid to rest, I can count on your partner, not you. Is that what you’re saying?”
He felt the muscles in his back tighten.
“I don’t need to be babysat or coddled, okay? I’ve lived in that house most of my life. A lot of it alone. I don’t need ‘looking after.’ Sometimes I wonder if you’ve lost your mind!”
That makes two of us.
“Maybe you should just let the cops handle this.”
“I’m a cop.”
“No, not this time.” She shook her head, golden strands of her hair catching in the candlelight. “This time I think you’re the victim.”
“Listen, Livvie—”
“To what? Some excuse to go chasing after a woman who’s dead? Some trumped-up rationale? This is a situation for the police,” she said, pointing to the death certificate and photographs of Jennifer. “And as for ‘seeing’ Jennifer, maybe you should take that up with your doctor or, heaven forbid, a shrink. These photos…they have to be fakes!”
“Olivia—”
“I hear what you’re telling me, Bentz. Word for word. But it’s what you’re not telling me that is drumming through my head, pounding in my brain, and ripping a damned hole in my heart.”
“Wait a second.”
“No, I’m not waiting. Not a second, not half a second. You’re going to hear me out. The way I see it, what’s going on here is that you’re hell-bent for leather to chase after your past. Face it. If we’ve had a problem in our marriage it’s been Jennifer. Kristi’s mother. A woman you divorced because she was cheating on you, then took back, even though she couldn’t be faithful. You’ve been fighting emotions that have been eating at you for over a decade: Guilt. Guilt that you’re alive and she’s not.”
“Is that your professional opinion?”
“Nothing professional about it. Common sense.” She looked about to say something more, then pushed the rest of her salad aside. “Look, if you need to go, then go. Figure it out. Because, you know, I’ve tried to be supportive and understanding and upbeat, but this has been eating at you. So go. Find out what it is. That’s important, yeah, but what’s really important to me is that you deal with the past and put it away.”
He felt a tic near his temple. “If you don’t want me to go—”
“Oh, no, you don’t. Don’t you dare go there. This is your deal, not mine. You feel this is something you need to do, then do it.”
“I thought you wanted me to open up, to tell you what was bothering me.”
“Yeah,” she admitted, nodding, then waiting as their entrées were served. “I did want to know, but I thought it might happen a little earlier, you know, before you’d already mentally packed your bags to take off for La La Land.”
“I told you, if you don’t want me to go, just say the word.”
She hesitated, then leaned forward. “No, Rick. I want you to go. As happy as we’ve been, and we have been happy, there’s always been that little bit of doubt on my part. And guilt on yours. Look, if Jennifer were still alive we might not be together. So now we get to find out just how strong our marriage is.”
“I think it’s damned strong.”
“Do you?”
“Yes.”
“But you can’t commit to a child.”
“I have a child.” He was about to say more but saw by the darkening of her eyes that he’d wounded her. Instead he reached across the table to
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