Read Online Malice in Wonderland #1: Alice the Assassin by Lotus Rose - Free Book Online
Authors: Lotus Rose
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exquisite of a hookah smoker I am?”
Alice fights to keep from rolling her eyes. How can I forget? You mention it every single time. But she thinks perhaps it’s wise to stroke his ego a bit before she tries to tease any information out of him. So she says, “How exquisite?”
“Glad you asked! Why my girl, I am so skilled a hookaher, that no matter the spice, no matter if I have ever smoked it or not, I can inhale precisely and exactly up to the very moment just before an overdose would occur. It is a simply uncanny skill I have and a testament to my skills and abilities. And so I am able to reach the pinnacle of pleasure that each spice offers, for it is right on that line just before you get too much that you get the most you can get without getting too much, you see?”
Alice nods eagerly. Even while, for so long, and right now even, she has wished that the Caterpillar would make a mistake some day and inhale just a little too long and die and be rid of himself. Because frankly, she doesn’t appreciate being the test subject for his tinkering.
Now the Caterpillar adjusts his monocle and launches into his favorite poem, which he recites often, and which so happens to be about himself.
I’m an insect hookaher of distinction and taste,
Who smokes the most exquisite spices!
And I know when to quit with the utmost of haste,
So as not to be killed by my vices!
Since I inhale right up to the point that I die,
I reach the highest point of pleasure,
And since my timing’s so precise, so clever am I,
Why I daresay that I am a treasure!
Alice claps at his recitation. She’s quite convincing, she thinks.
“Very good, my girl. Thank you for your support. I have a new spice for you…”
The Caterpillar likes to test all his newly acquired spices on her. He calls her his “guinea pig”. It has resulted in so much misery and recoveries over the years, she has grown to despise him. Yet she could never refuse him, because he threatened to tell the Queen, who would order guards to have her beaten or whipped if she made trouble.
She says, meekly, “I’d rather not try it. More for you, don’t you think?”
“Oh, no, my little girl. I’m unfamiliar with this particular spice. I need you to test it so I can watch you and know how much to take without overdosing. You know that. Must we go through this again?”
Alice sighs. So many times she’s wished the Caterpillar would overdose so he wouldn’t be able to torment her anymore. She’d fantasized about maybe “helping” him get a little too much over the edge, but she could never before bring herself to do it. But she has more things to worry about than revenge, she reminds herself.
“Okay,” she says smiling. “But before I toke, there’s something I’d like to discuss.”
He adjusts his monocle, blows some smoke. “Yes?”
“See, during my unhappy unbirthday party today…I know you weren’t there, but perhaps you might have heard something. I had something stolen. A very important item. Have you heard anything about it?”
“I’ve heard nothing, and why should I care? What was stolen? Don’t you take care of your possessions, silly girl?”
“Well it’s quite embarrassing. I’ll just say it was a body part. Are you sure you’ve heard nothing? You don’t happen to know where it might be, do you?”
“A body part? What body part?” He looks around theatrically. “Well it’s certainly not around here. Why, depending on which part, it would probably be quite huge compared to me. Have you not forgotten that you’re usually overly large? And your body parts would be overly large?” His tone of speaking suggests he thinks Alice is stupid.
“And you don’t happen to know—”
He waves four arms, dismissively. “No no, no one tells me anything. They consider me too tiny to speak to. When really it is they who are overly large! Now enough of your missing property. You look just fine to me! I’m so anxious to try my new spice.
Alice fights to keep from rolling her eyes. How can I forget? You mention it every single time. But she thinks perhaps it’s wise to stroke his ego a bit before she tries to tease any information out of him. So she says, “How exquisite?”
“Glad you asked! Why my girl, I am so skilled a hookaher, that no matter the spice, no matter if I have ever smoked it or not, I can inhale precisely and exactly up to the very moment just before an overdose would occur. It is a simply uncanny skill I have and a testament to my skills and abilities. And so I am able to reach the pinnacle of pleasure that each spice offers, for it is right on that line just before you get too much that you get the most you can get without getting too much, you see?”
Alice nods eagerly. Even while, for so long, and right now even, she has wished that the Caterpillar would make a mistake some day and inhale just a little too long and die and be rid of himself. Because frankly, she doesn’t appreciate being the test subject for his tinkering.
Now the Caterpillar adjusts his monocle and launches into his favorite poem, which he recites often, and which so happens to be about himself.
I’m an insect hookaher of distinction and taste,
Who smokes the most exquisite spices!
And I know when to quit with the utmost of haste,
So as not to be killed by my vices!
Since I inhale right up to the point that I die,
I reach the highest point of pleasure,
And since my timing’s so precise, so clever am I,
Why I daresay that I am a treasure!
Alice claps at his recitation. She’s quite convincing, she thinks.
“Very good, my girl. Thank you for your support. I have a new spice for you…”
The Caterpillar likes to test all his newly acquired spices on her. He calls her his “guinea pig”. It has resulted in so much misery and recoveries over the years, she has grown to despise him. Yet she could never refuse him, because he threatened to tell the Queen, who would order guards to have her beaten or whipped if she made trouble.
She says, meekly, “I’d rather not try it. More for you, don’t you think?”
“Oh, no, my little girl. I’m unfamiliar with this particular spice. I need you to test it so I can watch you and know how much to take without overdosing. You know that. Must we go through this again?”
Alice sighs. So many times she’s wished the Caterpillar would overdose so he wouldn’t be able to torment her anymore. She’d fantasized about maybe “helping” him get a little too much over the edge, but she could never before bring herself to do it. But she has more things to worry about than revenge, she reminds herself.
“Okay,” she says smiling. “But before I toke, there’s something I’d like to discuss.”
He adjusts his monocle, blows some smoke. “Yes?”
“See, during my unhappy unbirthday party today…I know you weren’t there, but perhaps you might have heard something. I had something stolen. A very important item. Have you heard anything about it?”
“I’ve heard nothing, and why should I care? What was stolen? Don’t you take care of your possessions, silly girl?”
“Well it’s quite embarrassing. I’ll just say it was a body part. Are you sure you’ve heard nothing? You don’t happen to know where it might be, do you?”
“A body part? What body part?” He looks around theatrically. “Well it’s certainly not around here. Why, depending on which part, it would probably be quite huge compared to me. Have you not forgotten that you’re usually overly large? And your body parts would be overly large?” His tone of speaking suggests he thinks Alice is stupid.
“And you don’t happen to know—”
He waves four arms, dismissively. “No no, no one tells me anything. They consider me too tiny to speak to. When really it is they who are overly large! Now enough of your missing property. You look just fine to me! I’m so anxious to try my new spice.
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