Read Online MA10 Sweet Myth-tery of Life by Robert Asprin - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Robert Asprin
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your experience would have been able to side-step some of these tangles ... and definitely spotted a gold-digger like Luanna a mile away.”
I hesitated for a moment, and then decided to level with him.
“To be honest with you, Vic, I haven’t had all that much experience with women.”
“Really?” The vampire was gratifyingly surprised.
“Let’s just say that while Aahz and the others have been fairly diligent about teaching me the ins and outs of business and magik, there have been certain areas of my education that have been woefully and annoyingly neglected.”
“Now that I might be able to help you with.”
“Excuse me?”
I had been momentarily lost in my own thoughts, and had somehow missed a turn in the conversation.
“It’s easy,” Vic said with a shrug. “You’re having trouble making up your mind whether or not you should get married at all ... much less to Queen Hemlock. Right?”
“Well ...”
“Right?” he pressed.
“Right.”
“To me, the problem is that you don’t have enough information to make an educated decision.”
“You can say that again,” I said heavily, gulping at my wine. “What’s more, between the workload here and Queen Hemlock’s timetable, I don’t figure I’m going to get any, either.”
‘That’s where I think I can help you,” my guest smiled, leaning back in his chair again.
“Excuse me?” I said, fighting off the feeling that our conversation was caught in an unending loop.
“What would you say to a blind date?”
That one caught me totally off guard.
“Well ... the same thing I’d say to a date that could see, I imagine,” I managed at last. “The trouble is I haven’t had any experience with either ...”
“No, no,” the vampire interrupted. “I mean, how would you like me to fix you up with a date? Someone you’ve never seen before?”
“That would have to be the case,” I nodded. “I don’t recall ever having met a blind person … male or female. Not that I’ve consciously avoided them, mind you ...”
“Hold it! Stop!” Vic said, holding up one hand while pressing the other to his forehead.
It occurred to me that, in that pose, he looked more than a little like Aahz.
“Let’s try this again ... from the top. We were talking about your needing more experience with women. What I’m suggesting is that I line you up with a date ... someone I know ... so you can get that experience. Got it?”
“Got it,” I nodded. “You know someone who’s blind. Tell me, should I act any different around her?”
“No ... I mean, yes! NO!”
Vic seemed to be getting very worked up over the subject, and more than a little confused ... which made two of us.
“Look, Skeeve,” he said finally through clenched teeth. “The girl I’m thinking about is not blind. She’s perfectly normal. Okay?”
“Okay,” I said, hesitantly, looking for the hook. “A perfectly normal, average girl.”
“Well ... not all that normal, or average,” the vampire smiled, relaxing a bit. “She’s a lot of fun ...if you get what I mean. And she’s a real looker ... knock your eyes out beautiful.”
“You mean I’llgo blind?”
Out of my merciful nature and in the interest of brevity (too late), I’ll spare you the blow by blow account of the rest of the conversation. Let it suffice to say that, by the time Vic departed, it had been established that he would arrange for me to step out with a lovely lady of his acquaintance ... one who was in full command of her senses ... sort of (that part still confused me a little) ... and who would not adversely affect my health or senses, but would, if Vic were to be believed, advance my education regarding the opposite sex to dizzying heights.
It sounded good to me. Like any healthy young man, I had a normal interest in women ... which is to say I didn’t think of them more than three or four times a day. My lack of first-hand experience I attributed to a dearth of opportunity, which
I hesitated for a moment, and then decided to level with him.
“To be honest with you, Vic, I haven’t had all that much experience with women.”
“Really?” The vampire was gratifyingly surprised.
“Let’s just say that while Aahz and the others have been fairly diligent about teaching me the ins and outs of business and magik, there have been certain areas of my education that have been woefully and annoyingly neglected.”
“Now that I might be able to help you with.”
“Excuse me?”
I had been momentarily lost in my own thoughts, and had somehow missed a turn in the conversation.
“It’s easy,” Vic said with a shrug. “You’re having trouble making up your mind whether or not you should get married at all ... much less to Queen Hemlock. Right?”
“Well ...”
“Right?” he pressed.
“Right.”
“To me, the problem is that you don’t have enough information to make an educated decision.”
“You can say that again,” I said heavily, gulping at my wine. “What’s more, between the workload here and Queen Hemlock’s timetable, I don’t figure I’m going to get any, either.”
‘That’s where I think I can help you,” my guest smiled, leaning back in his chair again.
“Excuse me?” I said, fighting off the feeling that our conversation was caught in an unending loop.
“What would you say to a blind date?”
That one caught me totally off guard.
“Well ... the same thing I’d say to a date that could see, I imagine,” I managed at last. “The trouble is I haven’t had any experience with either ...”
“No, no,” the vampire interrupted. “I mean, how would you like me to fix you up with a date? Someone you’ve never seen before?”
“That would have to be the case,” I nodded. “I don’t recall ever having met a blind person … male or female. Not that I’ve consciously avoided them, mind you ...”
“Hold it! Stop!” Vic said, holding up one hand while pressing the other to his forehead.
It occurred to me that, in that pose, he looked more than a little like Aahz.
“Let’s try this again ... from the top. We were talking about your needing more experience with women. What I’m suggesting is that I line you up with a date ... someone I know ... so you can get that experience. Got it?”
“Got it,” I nodded. “You know someone who’s blind. Tell me, should I act any different around her?”
“No ... I mean, yes! NO!”
Vic seemed to be getting very worked up over the subject, and more than a little confused ... which made two of us.
“Look, Skeeve,” he said finally through clenched teeth. “The girl I’m thinking about is not blind. She’s perfectly normal. Okay?”
“Okay,” I said, hesitantly, looking for the hook. “A perfectly normal, average girl.”
“Well ... not all that normal, or average,” the vampire smiled, relaxing a bit. “She’s a lot of fun ...if you get what I mean. And she’s a real looker ... knock your eyes out beautiful.”
“You mean I’llgo blind?”
Out of my merciful nature and in the interest of brevity (too late), I’ll spare you the blow by blow account of the rest of the conversation. Let it suffice to say that, by the time Vic departed, it had been established that he would arrange for me to step out with a lovely lady of his acquaintance ... one who was in full command of her senses ... sort of (that part still confused me a little) ... and who would not adversely affect my health or senses, but would, if Vic were to be believed, advance my education regarding the opposite sex to dizzying heights.
It sounded good to me. Like any healthy young man, I had a normal interest in women ... which is to say I didn’t think of them more than three or four times a day. My lack of first-hand experience I attributed to a dearth of opportunity, which
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