with an intensity that caused me to squirm, “Why do you sleep there?” She asked and I sucked in a breath. The reason was something I held close to me, never able to tell a soul. I was sure they wouldn’t understand. It was my fault Jaelle had been taken and sometimes, I wished they take me too. If they did, it would take away the nightmares and the guilt that I lived when she didn’t.
My father stood and moved toward me. He knelt down in front of me and stared deep into my eyes. His quiet silence gave me strength but it was also unnerving.
When he spoke, his words were laced with regret, “The worst mistake that I have ever made was the night that Jaelle died,” he said, swallowing, “I shouldn’t have asked you to protect her. You were too young. I should have done it instead of transitioning. You and your sister should have been hidden before we tried to fight. I won’t make that mistake again,” he said, staring deep into my eyes before glancing toward where Pesha slept. He sighed and turned back to me, “You shouldn’t wish for them to take you like they took her. You shouldn’t be the one to carry that guilt. It should be me or your mother…Not you.”
Tears fell down his cheeks as he began to sob out all of the guilt that had plagued him for ten years. I grabbed him, wanting to take away all of the pain that Jaelle’s death had caused. I held him close until his tears were spent while my mother cried with silent tears in the chair near me. The realization that my father had felt the pain of guilt and my mother too, slammed through my mind taking away any hope of sleep.
**********
My parent’s had gone to bed and I sat outside, staring at the moon as the wind whipped past me. I was by myself even though I had been forbidden to be. Still, I wasn’t able to make myself care. I narrowed my eyes as my gaze moved toward the place where Eva had left earlier that night. The Grey Wolves must live in that direction.
My nostrils flared as I stood, itching to walk toward them…Toward her. I ran my tongue across my teeth wanting to taste blood as I took another step.
“It’s not worth it,” Tamas said, behind me and I turned startled that he was there. His arms were crossed over his chest and his brow was raised as he studied me. I pursed my lips as I glanced back at the forest and turned back to him.
“Oh, it is,” I said, glancing back toward the woods before taking my place back on the top of a picnic table near my motor home. I sighed because I realized that he would never let me leave and even if he did, he would follow.
He blew out a breath as he took the seat beside me and took my hand. I sensed his eyes on me even though I didn’t turn toward him.
“Tell me about her,” he said in a hoarse voice, “I want to know about your sister.”
I blinked surprised. Since her death everyone avoided the subject of her and it hurt. It was like they wanted to wipe her from existence but she was still in my mind. Her memory was still everywhere.
I met his eyes and nodded, “She was three years old and kind,” I said as a tear rolled down my cheek, “She had my heart from the moment she was born, just like Pesha. She had so much energy and she would play and sing in this sweet, baby voice. She gave the best hugs and played the best jokes. I couldn’t ask for a better sister. I loved her then and I still do. Eva may have killed her but she could never kill that. My love for her won’t ever die.”
Tamas nodded as he stood and stared out toward the forest. The wind blew his hair and I watched it mesmerized,
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