can see that it’s true. What I want to know is, why was I never told? Why did my parents—’ she breaks off, confused. She can’t use that word. It isn’t right. ‘Why did Robert and Mary—’ But that sounds unnatural too, she never called them by their first names, only ever called them – thought of them – as Mum and Dad.
Who were they?
Who am I?
Her gaze drops, the effort of keeping it steady too much. Bizarrely, what she notices is the suit she is wearing – tailored business wear. It’s a costume, designed to fit the part she plays every day because she’s accustomed to using props. Until now, she’s had every confidence in her ability to play her role. This morning, the grey wool looks out of place and unfamiliar. Did she really put it on just an hour ago? The fracturing of her reality has been so great that time itself has warped.
‘Just tell me Archie,’ she says wearily. ‘I can’t fumble around any more trying to make sense of this.’
He retracts his hand and crosses his arms as if he doesn’t know what to do with them. ‘What happened, Suse?’
He’s always rational. Archie has only ever done one impulsive thing in his life, and that was to fall in love with her. If he conspired to hide this from me , Susie tells herself, clutching at the thought like a life raft, there will have been a good reason . Discuss this. Be calm. Archie will sort everything out.
‘I had a tour booked,’ she says, ‘My paren— Their old neighbour, Elsie Proudfoot brought her grandchildren on a special treat. The little one, it seems, was adopted. Mrs Proudfoot told her we had something in common. She obviously thought I knew.’
‘I guess it was a reasonable assumption.’ He looks the same, sounds the same. But he can’t be the same. It’s not just the edges of Susie’s reality that have begun to blur, but the very heart of it.
‘But I didn’t know. Archie, why didn’t I know?’
He uncrosses his arms and rubs the back of his hand across his eyes. ‘I found out just a few weeks before our wedding,’ he says. ‘Remember when we were going to go and give the minister the paperwork for the banns?’
‘As father of the bride, I would like to take it upon myself to perform this last duty of care for Susan.’ She quotes the words precisely, her voice lowered in imitation of her father’s. Susie has a photographic memory.
‘Exactly.’
The small front room in the Edwardian semi in Helensburgh. Neat as a pin, everything in its place, just as her mother likes it. There are flowers on the inlaid marquetry table in front of the window, their most prized possession. This is a special occasion. The wedding is imminent and her folks are in a spin over ‘losing her’. Her mother fusses and clucks over Archie (‘gaining a son’), her father is proprietorial but always loving.
‘He went with you,’ she remembers.
‘Did you never think it odd?’
‘Did you?’
Archie’s brow furrows as he considers the question. ‘I did, just a little, but what could I say – to my about-to-be father-in-law? I just went with the flow. But I soon discovered his purpose.’
‘The birth certificate,’ Susie says slowly, putting in place pieces of a puzzle she didn’t know existed until a couple of days ago.
‘He told me on the way to see the minister the next day. He swore me to secrecy.’
‘But why Archie? Why didn’t they want me to know? That’s the bit that doesn’t make any sense to me.’
‘Think about it, Susie. You were twenty-five years old. I don’t know whether they’d made up their minds never to tell you or whether it just never happened, but by that time it was far too late. They couldn’t say anything. Especially not just before such a big event as your wedding. There was no way of knowing how you would react.’
‘Is that what Dad told you? And you went along with it?’
Archie sighs. ‘Of course I said they should tell you. It seemed absurd to me that you didn’t know.
Who were they?
Who am I?
Her gaze drops, the effort of keeping it steady too much. Bizarrely, what she notices is the suit she is wearing – tailored business wear. It’s a costume, designed to fit the part she plays every day because she’s accustomed to using props. Until now, she’s had every confidence in her ability to play her role. This morning, the grey wool looks out of place and unfamiliar. Did she really put it on just an hour ago? The fracturing of her reality has been so great that time itself has warped.
‘Just tell me Archie,’ she says wearily. ‘I can’t fumble around any more trying to make sense of this.’
He retracts his hand and crosses his arms as if he doesn’t know what to do with them. ‘What happened, Suse?’
He’s always rational. Archie has only ever done one impulsive thing in his life, and that was to fall in love with her. If he conspired to hide this from me , Susie tells herself, clutching at the thought like a life raft, there will have been a good reason . Discuss this. Be calm. Archie will sort everything out.
‘I had a tour booked,’ she says, ‘My paren— Their old neighbour, Elsie Proudfoot brought her grandchildren on a special treat. The little one, it seems, was adopted. Mrs Proudfoot told her we had something in common. She obviously thought I knew.’
‘I guess it was a reasonable assumption.’ He looks the same, sounds the same. But he can’t be the same. It’s not just the edges of Susie’s reality that have begun to blur, but the very heart of it.
‘But I didn’t know. Archie, why didn’t I know?’
He uncrosses his arms and rubs the back of his hand across his eyes. ‘I found out just a few weeks before our wedding,’ he says. ‘Remember when we were going to go and give the minister the paperwork for the banns?’
‘As father of the bride, I would like to take it upon myself to perform this last duty of care for Susan.’ She quotes the words precisely, her voice lowered in imitation of her father’s. Susie has a photographic memory.
‘Exactly.’
The small front room in the Edwardian semi in Helensburgh. Neat as a pin, everything in its place, just as her mother likes it. There are flowers on the inlaid marquetry table in front of the window, their most prized possession. This is a special occasion. The wedding is imminent and her folks are in a spin over ‘losing her’. Her mother fusses and clucks over Archie (‘gaining a son’), her father is proprietorial but always loving.
‘He went with you,’ she remembers.
‘Did you never think it odd?’
‘Did you?’
Archie’s brow furrows as he considers the question. ‘I did, just a little, but what could I say – to my about-to-be father-in-law? I just went with the flow. But I soon discovered his purpose.’
‘The birth certificate,’ Susie says slowly, putting in place pieces of a puzzle she didn’t know existed until a couple of days ago.
‘He told me on the way to see the minister the next day. He swore me to secrecy.’
‘But why Archie? Why didn’t they want me to know? That’s the bit that doesn’t make any sense to me.’
‘Think about it, Susie. You were twenty-five years old. I don’t know whether they’d made up their minds never to tell you or whether it just never happened, but by that time it was far too late. They couldn’t say anything. Especially not just before such a big event as your wedding. There was no way of knowing how you would react.’
‘Is that what Dad told you? And you went along with it?’
Archie sighs. ‘Of course I said they should tell you. It seemed absurd to me that you didn’t know.
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