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Authors: Emerson Eggerichs
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as equals within the grace of God. Paul concurs when he writes that in Christ, “there is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28).
This concept of honoring your wife is also found in Ephesians 5, where Paul says husbands ought to love their wives as they do themselves. As Paul says, “No one ever hated his own flesh, but . . . cherishes it.” The passage clearly says that as a husband cherishes his own flesh he is to cherish his wife in the same way (see vv. 28–29). A wife longs to be that special person Paul describes. She wants to be cherished as a princess, not revered as a queen. She longs to be first in importance to him.
It is as though she is the princess and he is the prince. In Ephesians 5:33, a husband has a need to be respected as the head, the one called upon to die. “Christ . . . is the head . . . [and] loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:23, 25). The prince goes into battle for the princess, not vice versa. Consequently, the princess does not seek to be respected as the “head.” Instead, she yearns to be honored, valued, and prized as a precious equal, “a fellow heir of the grace of life,” as Peter unfolds in 1 Peter 3:7.
To carry further the word picture of the prince and princess, I believe the biblical order of things is that, as prince, the husband is to be considered “first among equals.” By that I mean he is her equal, but he is called upon to be the first to provide, to protect—and even to die if necessary. This is graphically illustrated on any sinking ship as lifeboats are put over the side. The cry is always, “Women and children first!”
It’s not an accident that in every culture, as a rule, men are bigger and stronger than women. Is this not God’s visual aid concerning His purpose for men? When Nehemiah led his men in rebuilding the wall and fighting off the enemy, he urged them to “fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives” (Nehemiah 4:14). Something in a man longs for his wife to look up to him as he fulfills this role. And when she does, it motivates him, not because he is arrogant, but because of how God has constructed him. Few husbands walk around claiming, “I’m first among equals.” The husband with goodwill (and good sense) knows this isn’t his right, but it is his responsibility. She, on the other hand, possesses something within that thirsts to be valued as “first in importance.” Nothing energizes her more! She is not self-centered. God placed this in her by nature.
When he honors her as first in importance and she respects him as first among equals, their marriage works. When he expects her to look up to him yet puts her down, he deflates her. When he feels she is trying to be a bossy queen, he cannot detect her real heart. When she expects him to protect her but then accuses him of being paternalistic (too fatherly) or condescending, she deflates him. When she feels he is trying to be “more than equal” or greater, she cannot detect his real heart.
HUSBANDS: DO NOT SAY, “I TOLD YOU SO! ”
A word of caution must be given to husbands at this point. For many wives, hearing that the Bible teaches women to give unconditional respect to their husbands is a huge piece of information. It is often something wives may never have heard before in any form. A wise husband will not use this information as a weapon. Instead, he will be humble. He will let his wife process what she has learned and then let her act upon it. When she does, miracles can happen.
In a marriage especially, “thoughtless words cut like a sword” (Proverbs 12:18 NIRV).
In many cases, couples report that the Crazy Cycle grinds to a screeching halt. And more often than not, this change is triggered by the wife as she tries to give her husband unconditional respect. As a wife gets used to the idea of respecting her
This concept of honoring your wife is also found in Ephesians 5, where Paul says husbands ought to love their wives as they do themselves. As Paul says, “No one ever hated his own flesh, but . . . cherishes it.” The passage clearly says that as a husband cherishes his own flesh he is to cherish his wife in the same way (see vv. 28–29). A wife longs to be that special person Paul describes. She wants to be cherished as a princess, not revered as a queen. She longs to be first in importance to him.
It is as though she is the princess and he is the prince. In Ephesians 5:33, a husband has a need to be respected as the head, the one called upon to die. “Christ . . . is the head . . . [and] loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:23, 25). The prince goes into battle for the princess, not vice versa. Consequently, the princess does not seek to be respected as the “head.” Instead, she yearns to be honored, valued, and prized as a precious equal, “a fellow heir of the grace of life,” as Peter unfolds in 1 Peter 3:7.
To carry further the word picture of the prince and princess, I believe the biblical order of things is that, as prince, the husband is to be considered “first among equals.” By that I mean he is her equal, but he is called upon to be the first to provide, to protect—and even to die if necessary. This is graphically illustrated on any sinking ship as lifeboats are put over the side. The cry is always, “Women and children first!”
It’s not an accident that in every culture, as a rule, men are bigger and stronger than women. Is this not God’s visual aid concerning His purpose for men? When Nehemiah led his men in rebuilding the wall and fighting off the enemy, he urged them to “fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives” (Nehemiah 4:14). Something in a man longs for his wife to look up to him as he fulfills this role. And when she does, it motivates him, not because he is arrogant, but because of how God has constructed him. Few husbands walk around claiming, “I’m first among equals.” The husband with goodwill (and good sense) knows this isn’t his right, but it is his responsibility. She, on the other hand, possesses something within that thirsts to be valued as “first in importance.” Nothing energizes her more! She is not self-centered. God placed this in her by nature.
When he honors her as first in importance and she respects him as first among equals, their marriage works. When he expects her to look up to him yet puts her down, he deflates her. When he feels she is trying to be a bossy queen, he cannot detect her real heart. When she expects him to protect her but then accuses him of being paternalistic (too fatherly) or condescending, she deflates him. When she feels he is trying to be “more than equal” or greater, she cannot detect his real heart.
HUSBANDS: DO NOT SAY, “I TOLD YOU SO! ”
A word of caution must be given to husbands at this point. For many wives, hearing that the Bible teaches women to give unconditional respect to their husbands is a huge piece of information. It is often something wives may never have heard before in any form. A wise husband will not use this information as a weapon. Instead, he will be humble. He will let his wife process what she has learned and then let her act upon it. When she does, miracles can happen.
In a marriage especially, “thoughtless words cut like a sword” (Proverbs 12:18 NIRV).
In many cases, couples report that the Crazy Cycle grinds to a screeching halt. And more often than not, this change is triggered by the wife as she tries to give her husband unconditional respect. As a wife gets used to the idea of respecting her
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