Read Online Lost and Found: Finding Hope in the Detours of Life by T. D. Jakes, Sarah Jakes - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: T. D. Jakes, Sarah Jakes
Tags: Personal Growth, Religion & Spirituality, Biographies & Memoirs, Inspirational, Women, Christian Books & Bibles, Christian Living, REL012040, Specific Groups, Ethnic & National, African-American & Black, REL012070
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everything. Once all of those arrangements were completed, I finally felt at peace with my upcoming delivery. The night before my scheduled induction, Dexter, eight years old at the time, came and got in the bed with me. I don’t know if he was scared of nightmares or if God was just reminding me that I wasn’t facing anything alone. Either way, the next morning when I woke up on the floor—Dexter used to sleep like a circus act—I was ready to start my journey as a single mother.
Single, but not alone.
———
Two weeks before my due date, my doctor had decided the best chance of preserving both my life and the baby’s was to induce my labor. I was admitted into the hospital on a Wednesday evening. The induction process started as soon as I was settled that night. Nearly twenty-four hours later, I gave my final push and Malachi came into the world. I chose this name because it means “messenger of God,” even though I still wasn’t sure exactly what this message would be.
As expected, labor was very difficult. At one point, the doctor could no longer locate the baby’s heartbeat, which caused me to panic and sent my body into convulsions. They began to prepare me for a cesarean when suddenly they located the perfect rhythm of his heart.
It turns out having an actual baby is nothing like caring for a baby doll. Our first night in the hospital, sweat dripped down my forehead as I struggled to nurse my son. I felt like I was running a marathon with no finish line in sight. The nurses graciously assisted me each time. I suspect they pitied this young girl who couldn’t even feed her son. I didn’t have much of a choice, though. I needed their help, and if that came with pity, then I would have to take that, too.
Eventually I got the hang of nursing him without assistance. I used pillows to help me balance his weight and make my body more comfortable. It also took me some time to change his diaper. I couldn’t do it as fast as the nurses, afraid that I would hurt his freshly cut skin, but I managed. I never once remember him crying while I was trying to figure out how to be a mother. It was like he knew that I was doing the best I could. His patience with me made me love him more. It made me more committed to not messing up.
Maybe I couldn’t give him the life I wanted to, but what if all I had to give him was my heart? Maybe I could be an actual mother after all.
———
Not only did I put Malachi on a schedule, but I tried my best to become just as regimented. Recognizing now that the fate of his life lay squarely in my own pursuit of success, I committed to doing everything in my power. Before I had my son, I never considered the idea of graduating from high school early, but now I needed to recover more than ever. While a longtime family friend helped with my new baby, I devoted most of my time to completing my studies.
Committed to seeing me succeed, my parents allowed me to attend a more traditional, smaller school where I could take more courses. When I started the tenth grade in the fall of 2003, I had one mission. I wanted to graduate as soon as I could. I wanted to hit the ground running.
Hardly anyone at my small private school knew that I had a son. This fresh start seems like it would have been the perfect scenario for me to fall into having a dual existence. Things were different for me this time, though. Instead of craving attention and popularity, I wanted to hide in the background.
I didn’t want to live a lie, so I simply remained silent about my personal life, including Malachi. Among the students, I assumed Iwas the only one who had a child and once again felt isolated and out of place. With an uncertain future ahead, all I had was my academic ability, so I focused on my studies and worked harder than I would have previously thought possible.
Being only a year apart in age, Cora and I almost always attended the same schools. So she was right beside me when I started attending
Single, but not alone.
———
Two weeks before my due date, my doctor had decided the best chance of preserving both my life and the baby’s was to induce my labor. I was admitted into the hospital on a Wednesday evening. The induction process started as soon as I was settled that night. Nearly twenty-four hours later, I gave my final push and Malachi came into the world. I chose this name because it means “messenger of God,” even though I still wasn’t sure exactly what this message would be.
As expected, labor was very difficult. At one point, the doctor could no longer locate the baby’s heartbeat, which caused me to panic and sent my body into convulsions. They began to prepare me for a cesarean when suddenly they located the perfect rhythm of his heart.
It turns out having an actual baby is nothing like caring for a baby doll. Our first night in the hospital, sweat dripped down my forehead as I struggled to nurse my son. I felt like I was running a marathon with no finish line in sight. The nurses graciously assisted me each time. I suspect they pitied this young girl who couldn’t even feed her son. I didn’t have much of a choice, though. I needed their help, and if that came with pity, then I would have to take that, too.
Eventually I got the hang of nursing him without assistance. I used pillows to help me balance his weight and make my body more comfortable. It also took me some time to change his diaper. I couldn’t do it as fast as the nurses, afraid that I would hurt his freshly cut skin, but I managed. I never once remember him crying while I was trying to figure out how to be a mother. It was like he knew that I was doing the best I could. His patience with me made me love him more. It made me more committed to not messing up.
Maybe I couldn’t give him the life I wanted to, but what if all I had to give him was my heart? Maybe I could be an actual mother after all.
———
Not only did I put Malachi on a schedule, but I tried my best to become just as regimented. Recognizing now that the fate of his life lay squarely in my own pursuit of success, I committed to doing everything in my power. Before I had my son, I never considered the idea of graduating from high school early, but now I needed to recover more than ever. While a longtime family friend helped with my new baby, I devoted most of my time to completing my studies.
Committed to seeing me succeed, my parents allowed me to attend a more traditional, smaller school where I could take more courses. When I started the tenth grade in the fall of 2003, I had one mission. I wanted to graduate as soon as I could. I wanted to hit the ground running.
Hardly anyone at my small private school knew that I had a son. This fresh start seems like it would have been the perfect scenario for me to fall into having a dual existence. Things were different for me this time, though. Instead of craving attention and popularity, I wanted to hide in the background.
I didn’t want to live a lie, so I simply remained silent about my personal life, including Malachi. Among the students, I assumed Iwas the only one who had a child and once again felt isolated and out of place. With an uncertain future ahead, all I had was my academic ability, so I focused on my studies and worked harder than I would have previously thought possible.
Being only a year apart in age, Cora and I almost always attended the same schools. So she was right beside me when I started attending
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