Read Online Lola's Secret by Monica McInerney - Free Book Online
Authors: Monica McInerney
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It’s vicious.” She touched her granddaughter on the cheek. “Go, darling. And please, cheer up. Be grateful for what you have. And try not to hate your sister too much. Use your energy for something more fun.”
Outside in the heat again, Bett felt so much better she decided to walk to her meeting. Lola was right. She had been having a pity party. And she’d been overreacting about Carrie too. She was just a bit tired. A lot tired. All right, completely tired. Perhaps the real problem was she just wasn’t seeing enough of the outside world. Look how much even a brief conversation with Lola had cheered her up. She was being unfair to Daniel too, going behind his back and making meetings about possible part-time work. It wasn’t what they’d decided as a couple, as parents. Of course she couldn’t expect him to go part-time and share the childcare. And they certainly couldn’t afford a nursery or a nanny. And that wasn’t what they wanted, either. No, she had to live with things as they were. It wasn’t fair to ring Jane up at the last minute either, when she was busy with her own daughter. She’d cancel the meeting, and go right home now. Back to her babies. The babies she loved. And to the washing. And the ironing. And the cooking. And the cleaning …
She started to feel the tight sensation in her chest again.
No, she was right to be having this meeting. She had to change something before she went mad. Before one day the worst thing happened, that she got so overwhelmed she made a serious mistake with her babies, had an accident with them, hurt them in some way. Or she started crying and couldn’t stop. Or she—
Her mobile phone rang, breaking into her thoughts. How long had she been standing here? Had she been talking to herself, in public, on the main street? Had it come to that?
“Earth calling Quinlan?” It was her editor Rebecca on the phone. Bett looked across the road. Rebecca was standing in front of the Valley Times office, smoking a cigarette and waving across. “Are you going to stand there all day or come and see me? Time’s money and I’m short of both.”
Even the sound of her familiar voice, her familiar joking made Bett feel good. This she could handle—the banter, the teasing. She knew how to be a journalist, too. She knew how to interview people, write stories, meet deadlines. It was being a mother, even an incompetent mother, that was so difficult.
Chapter Five
B ACK IN THE SHOP , Lola wished she had been joking to Bett. But it was vicious in the charity shop committee meetings these days. In years gone by, they had been fun. Lately, it was as if there had been a hostile takeover. These things came in cycles, she knew that, people moving into town, getting involved in sudden rushes of community enthusiasm, ruffling feathers and upsetting everyone before moving on to greener charitable pastures. She’d seen people come and go on the committee, some helping, some hindering, and had mostly let it wash around her. Lately, though, her patience had been growing thin. Thinner by the day.
Was that another symptom of old age that nobody mentioned? There was the public face of being old: the wrinkles, the deafness, the fading eyesight. The obsession with health problems and doctor’s visits. The sudden close relationship with one’s local pharmacist. What Lola was noticing lately, however, was a change in her own personality. It wasn’t fear of death looming closer, though heaven knew she didn’t want it to come any day soon. It was impatience mixed with exasperation. An urge to act, and act now! Quickly, before it was too late.
She wished sometimes she had friends in Clare who’d known her all her life, who would answer truthfully if she was to ask them whether she had always been this way. Jim had, of course, known her for the longest, for his whole life, literally, but she would never ask him. She didn’t need to. She knew he loved her, and he knew she loved him. Theirs was
Outside in the heat again, Bett felt so much better she decided to walk to her meeting. Lola was right. She had been having a pity party. And she’d been overreacting about Carrie too. She was just a bit tired. A lot tired. All right, completely tired. Perhaps the real problem was she just wasn’t seeing enough of the outside world. Look how much even a brief conversation with Lola had cheered her up. She was being unfair to Daniel too, going behind his back and making meetings about possible part-time work. It wasn’t what they’d decided as a couple, as parents. Of course she couldn’t expect him to go part-time and share the childcare. And they certainly couldn’t afford a nursery or a nanny. And that wasn’t what they wanted, either. No, she had to live with things as they were. It wasn’t fair to ring Jane up at the last minute either, when she was busy with her own daughter. She’d cancel the meeting, and go right home now. Back to her babies. The babies she loved. And to the washing. And the ironing. And the cooking. And the cleaning …
She started to feel the tight sensation in her chest again.
No, she was right to be having this meeting. She had to change something before she went mad. Before one day the worst thing happened, that she got so overwhelmed she made a serious mistake with her babies, had an accident with them, hurt them in some way. Or she started crying and couldn’t stop. Or she—
Her mobile phone rang, breaking into her thoughts. How long had she been standing here? Had she been talking to herself, in public, on the main street? Had it come to that?
“Earth calling Quinlan?” It was her editor Rebecca on the phone. Bett looked across the road. Rebecca was standing in front of the Valley Times office, smoking a cigarette and waving across. “Are you going to stand there all day or come and see me? Time’s money and I’m short of both.”
Even the sound of her familiar voice, her familiar joking made Bett feel good. This she could handle—the banter, the teasing. She knew how to be a journalist, too. She knew how to interview people, write stories, meet deadlines. It was being a mother, even an incompetent mother, that was so difficult.
Chapter Five
B ACK IN THE SHOP , Lola wished she had been joking to Bett. But it was vicious in the charity shop committee meetings these days. In years gone by, they had been fun. Lately, it was as if there had been a hostile takeover. These things came in cycles, she knew that, people moving into town, getting involved in sudden rushes of community enthusiasm, ruffling feathers and upsetting everyone before moving on to greener charitable pastures. She’d seen people come and go on the committee, some helping, some hindering, and had mostly let it wash around her. Lately, though, her patience had been growing thin. Thinner by the day.
Was that another symptom of old age that nobody mentioned? There was the public face of being old: the wrinkles, the deafness, the fading eyesight. The obsession with health problems and doctor’s visits. The sudden close relationship with one’s local pharmacist. What Lola was noticing lately, however, was a change in her own personality. It wasn’t fear of death looming closer, though heaven knew she didn’t want it to come any day soon. It was impatience mixed with exasperation. An urge to act, and act now! Quickly, before it was too late.
She wished sometimes she had friends in Clare who’d known her all her life, who would answer truthfully if she was to ask them whether she had always been this way. Jim had, of course, known her for the longest, for his whole life, literally, but she would never ask him. She didn’t need to. She knew he loved her, and he knew she loved him. Theirs was
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