Read Online Live Right and Find Happiness (Although Beer is Much Faster) by Dave Barry - Free Book Online Page A

they would. They were bummed, of course, but they didn’t turn violent, and they didn’t plunge into a state of national despair. In fact they managed to find humor in their humiliation, turning to Twitter and other social media to exchange, among other jokes, doctored photos of Rio’s giant mountaintop Jesus statue, one with Jesus holding his hands over his eyes. They laughed at themselves.
    â€œWhat else could we do?” one Brazilian asked me.
    â€œQuarter some Germans” is one answer. But the point is, they didn’t.
    The German team, which was scarily good and could probably have kicked the ass, using only its feet, of many other nations’ actual armies, went on to win the World Cup. Sophie and I saw the German team play the French team in Rio’s Maracanã Stadium in front of a highly festive, beer-consuming crowd featuring many people wearing face paint, costumes and—in the case of the French fans—rooster hats.
    The rooster, or cockerel, is of course the national symbol of France, and for a very good reason: All the good animals were taken. I mean, let’s face it, we are talking about using as the animal representing your country
a male chicken
. Granted, roosters can be fierce, courageous fighters, but that’s when their opponents are
other roosters
. They do not fare so well against, for example, dogs, or reasonably large squirrels.
    Also the physical format of a rooster frankly does not make for a fear-inducing, warrior-style hat. When you see a French fan coming your way with this fuzzy, plump poultry unit on his head, its feet dangling next to the fan’s ears, its head listing sadly to the side, you do not think: “Whoa! This fan represents a team to be reckoned with!” It did not help that some of the male French fans—and these were not small men—were wearing, in addition to their rooster hats, leotards and tutus. I’m sure they meant this to be self-mockingly funny. And it
was
funny. But still . . .

    French fans have been known to release live roosters on the playing field during rugby and soccer matches. This can lead to highly entertaining chases as security personnel try to capture the roosters, which may not be the most fearsome animals but are shifty and can run pretty darned fast. Tragically, no roosters were released in the World Cup match that Sophie and I attended, which may be why France lost, 1–0. Although I believe the tutus were also a factor.
    Sophie and I also attended a game between Colombia and Uruguay, which are two countries whose fans, for reasons that are not clear to me, do not like each other. We sat in the middle of a large Colombian rooting section. I had this conversation with the guy sitting next to me:
    GUY: Who are you supporting?
    ME: Colombia.
    GUY: Where are you from?
    ME: Miami.
    GUY: Miami is almost Colombia.
    Which is true. But the reason we were supporting Colombia—aside from the fact that we were surrounded by Colombians—is that the Uruguayans were being obnoxiously defensive about the fact that their star player, Luis Suárez, had been banned from the World Cup following a shocking incident: During a game against Italy, Suárez could clearly be seen on video robbing an Italian player at knifepoint.
    No, seriously, Suárez bit Italian defender Giorgio Chiellini. The video (again: YouTube) of this moment is pretty wonderful. Suárez—who had
twice before
gotten in trouble for biting opponents during games—clearly leans over and chomps on Chiellini’s shoulder. Chiellini, being a veteran Italian soccer player, immediately falls down. Suárez, for no apparent reason other than that Chiellini has fallen down, also falls down. Chiellini then pulls the neckhole of his jersey down and, yelling to the referee, points to the bite mark on his skin. Suárez, not to be outdone, puts his hands to his mouth and adopts a facial expression indicating great pain, as