Read Online Liturgical Mysteries 02 The Baritone Wore Chiffon by Mark Schweizer - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Mark Schweizer
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introduction to her next comment.
"I met her today and, believe it or not, she's worse than he is."
"'Her' being?"
"Jelly Barna."
"Jelly Barna?"
Meg crossed her arms and continued in exasperation.
"The priest's wife."
"Her name is Jelly Barna?"
"Listen, will you. This is serious."
"OK," I said. "What's up?"
Meg sat down at the table. "Jelly Barna has been appointed the head of the Altar Guild by her husband. It's her 'gift.' So, as the head of the Altar Guild, she has taken it upon herself to call Christopher Lloyd in Boone."
"Mr. Christopher? The wedding coordinator?"
"It seems," she continued, "that Mr. Christopher is an expert in Feng Shui and will be advising us on the placement of furniture, the colors we should be using, and the arrangement of the flow of positive energy within the church. We will now be known as the Feng Shui Altar Guild and Jelly Barna is planning on using our church as a model throughout the diocese. They even have a web-site up already. It has her picture on it."
"And me still in the middle of Lent."
"You have to do something."
"Nope. I'm staying out of it. Till Easter anyway."
"We may be ruined by then."
"Well, do what you can to hold the heathens at bay," I said. "I'm getting another beer."
•••
"Any word when you might be able to make it over?" It was Hugh on the phone.
"How about a week from Monday?" I said. "I have a Clown Eucharist to play."
"A what?"
"A Clown Eucharist. Surely they have them in all the great cathedrals of England."
"You're not serious? We do have a fellow who goes around to churches dressed as a clown. He's quite popular. I can't remember his name."
"Oh, but I am serious. Lent is just too darn grim and we need to find our Inner Clown."
"Well, don't tell the clergy over here. The next thing you know…"
"I'll keep it our dark and terrible secret. How's the investigation coming?" I asked.
"I think they've forgotten about it. Out of sight, out of mind, you know. Now that the furor has died down, and since he, er...she was an American, we've all mostly put the unpleasantness behind us. Except for the little matter of the diamond."
"What about insurance?"
"That's the reason I'm calling. The Ecclesiastical Insurance Group was going to have to pay the Minster about 1.3 million pounds. I spoke with one of the agents and he indicated that since the video cameras were turned off and the other security measures disengaged, that there was a good chance that they would not pay."
"Ouch."
"That being the case, the Dean and Chapter have decided to offer a reward for the return of the diamond. Ten thousand pounds sterling."
"Ten thousand pounds." I mentally did the math. "That's better than fifteen thousand dollars."
"Closer to seventeen. Interested?"
"Why yes I am. What about you?"
"I'm employed by the Minster and therefore not eligible. There are another couple of privately funded fellows nosing around though."
"I'll bet. I'm guessing then that the next trip won't be on the Minster's tab."
"Nope. Sorry. All yours."
"OK, but I'm not going back to flying coach."
•••
"Welcome to this program of the Lenten Institute," I said to the fifteen or so people gathered in the upstairs Adult Sunday School room. "If you're looking for the 'Finding Your Inner Clown' class, it's in the sanctuary."
There were a few sniggers from the back of the room, coming mostly, I suspected, from choir members who were looking for somewhere to land before choir practice began. We generally had a church-wide supper every Wednesday during Advent and Lent, followed by a brief program. Choir practice was last on the agenda, with everything finishing up around 8:30 or so.
"The program this evening is on Comparative Religions, and to that end I've called two of my friends from Asheville to be presenters this evening. Our first guest is Mr. Julian Mayberry from the Raelian Center of Appalachia."
Mr. Mayberry stood as I read off the card he had handed me earlier.
"The
"I met her today and, believe it or not, she's worse than he is."
"'Her' being?"
"Jelly Barna."
"Jelly Barna?"
Meg crossed her arms and continued in exasperation.
"The priest's wife."
"Her name is Jelly Barna?"
"Listen, will you. This is serious."
"OK," I said. "What's up?"
Meg sat down at the table. "Jelly Barna has been appointed the head of the Altar Guild by her husband. It's her 'gift.' So, as the head of the Altar Guild, she has taken it upon herself to call Christopher Lloyd in Boone."
"Mr. Christopher? The wedding coordinator?"
"It seems," she continued, "that Mr. Christopher is an expert in Feng Shui and will be advising us on the placement of furniture, the colors we should be using, and the arrangement of the flow of positive energy within the church. We will now be known as the Feng Shui Altar Guild and Jelly Barna is planning on using our church as a model throughout the diocese. They even have a web-site up already. It has her picture on it."
"And me still in the middle of Lent."
"You have to do something."
"Nope. I'm staying out of it. Till Easter anyway."
"We may be ruined by then."
"Well, do what you can to hold the heathens at bay," I said. "I'm getting another beer."
•••
"Any word when you might be able to make it over?" It was Hugh on the phone.
"How about a week from Monday?" I said. "I have a Clown Eucharist to play."
"A what?"
"A Clown Eucharist. Surely they have them in all the great cathedrals of England."
"You're not serious? We do have a fellow who goes around to churches dressed as a clown. He's quite popular. I can't remember his name."
"Oh, but I am serious. Lent is just too darn grim and we need to find our Inner Clown."
"Well, don't tell the clergy over here. The next thing you know…"
"I'll keep it our dark and terrible secret. How's the investigation coming?" I asked.
"I think they've forgotten about it. Out of sight, out of mind, you know. Now that the furor has died down, and since he, er...she was an American, we've all mostly put the unpleasantness behind us. Except for the little matter of the diamond."
"What about insurance?"
"That's the reason I'm calling. The Ecclesiastical Insurance Group was going to have to pay the Minster about 1.3 million pounds. I spoke with one of the agents and he indicated that since the video cameras were turned off and the other security measures disengaged, that there was a good chance that they would not pay."
"Ouch."
"That being the case, the Dean and Chapter have decided to offer a reward for the return of the diamond. Ten thousand pounds sterling."
"Ten thousand pounds." I mentally did the math. "That's better than fifteen thousand dollars."
"Closer to seventeen. Interested?"
"Why yes I am. What about you?"
"I'm employed by the Minster and therefore not eligible. There are another couple of privately funded fellows nosing around though."
"I'll bet. I'm guessing then that the next trip won't be on the Minster's tab."
"Nope. Sorry. All yours."
"OK, but I'm not going back to flying coach."
•••
"Welcome to this program of the Lenten Institute," I said to the fifteen or so people gathered in the upstairs Adult Sunday School room. "If you're looking for the 'Finding Your Inner Clown' class, it's in the sanctuary."
There were a few sniggers from the back of the room, coming mostly, I suspected, from choir members who were looking for somewhere to land before choir practice began. We generally had a church-wide supper every Wednesday during Advent and Lent, followed by a brief program. Choir practice was last on the agenda, with everything finishing up around 8:30 or so.
"The program this evening is on Comparative Religions, and to that end I've called two of my friends from Asheville to be presenters this evening. Our first guest is Mr. Julian Mayberry from the Raelian Center of Appalachia."
Mr. Mayberry stood as I read off the card he had handed me earlier.
"The
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