sorry. You didn’t deserve that. No, I don’t think you’d say anything to either of them. It just sounds stupid, even to me. I’m frustrated with myself, not you, and I don’t mean to take it out on you. Okay?”
She glanced at me, her eyes full of hurt, then grabbed the steering wheel and started the car.
“Fuck.” I reached for the keys and killed the engine again, taking the keys and shifting my body to face her. “Sarah, please.”
She looked at me again, her hurt starting to fade as she read my sincerity.
I powered through to get this over with.
“All Kip said was, basically, something…” I took a deep breath and exhaled. “Something like not wanting the prettiest girl in school to sit home on Homecoming night. That’s all he said, okay? And I’m sure he meant me, and I’m sure if I were a normal person, if I were anyone else on the planet even, it would have seemed super sweet. But I’m such a fuck-up, and I’ve heard it all before so many times from guys that treat me like a piece of meat, that only want a conquest or a piece of ass or whatever, that I wouldn’t be able to tell a sincere compliment from one designed to get me into bed. I haven’t the slightest clue how to tell the difference, and my track record so far is abysmal.
“I don’t mean to hurt your friend’s feelings, so if you tell me he’s a great guy, I’ll trust you. But there’s no way I can go to Homecoming with him or anyone else if I have to hear one single word about how pretty I am or how beautiful or whatever, because all it does is put me on the defensive and make me recall past mistakes and wonder whether I’m making another one. All right? I’ve never told anyone that before and I don’t intend to tell anyone again. I’m just trying to convey to you that however unfair it is of me to keep potentially well-meaning people at arm’s length, and however irrational it might seem, I have my reasons. Now will you please, please just accept that I’m totally fucked up and do your friend Kip a favor by keeping him the hell away from me?”
I was so wound up that my voice was louder than I intended, straddling the fence between anger and pain. Sarah’s eyes held so much emotion I couldn’t make heads or tails of, and her silence wasn’t reassuring. Feeling too exposed, I inserted the key back into the ignition and opened the passenger door again.
“See you Monday,” I said.
I felt her reach out for me like she had earlier and thought maybe I heard my name, but I needed to be alone. Racket and tote bag in hand, I closed the door behind me, hopped up the porch steps to my front door, and quickly pushed my way into the refuge of home.
Chapter Five
On Monday, after Wilcox’s class, I decided to try to get a moment alone with Kip. As much as I wasn’t looking forward to it, I owed him a timely response since he’d been nice as well as accommodating. I stood two steps above the quad and watched as he conversed with Sarah, Dirk, Jasper, and Amy. Still raw from our Saturday conversation in front of my house, not to mention my unraveling on the tennis court that morning, I didn’t want to talk to Sarah. That stopped me from walking over and interrupting in order to get a word with Kip. After several minutes, since it didn’t seem like the group conversation would end any time soon, I headed to the locker room to dress for practice.
Relieved not to run into Sarah, I bounded down to the courts and sought out my usual doubles partner, Kristin. We made small talk with some of the other players for a while as we awaited Coach’s instructions for the afternoon. As we chitchatted, I glanced around to see Coach and Sarah at the base of the parking lot behind court twelve. Sarah had the ball cage with her, presumably returning it, and she and Coach were conversing. Coach nodded at something Sarah said, and then they both walked along the fence between the courts and the parking lot, until they reached the rest of
She glanced at me, her eyes full of hurt, then grabbed the steering wheel and started the car.
“Fuck.” I reached for the keys and killed the engine again, taking the keys and shifting my body to face her. “Sarah, please.”
She looked at me again, her hurt starting to fade as she read my sincerity.
I powered through to get this over with.
“All Kip said was, basically, something…” I took a deep breath and exhaled. “Something like not wanting the prettiest girl in school to sit home on Homecoming night. That’s all he said, okay? And I’m sure he meant me, and I’m sure if I were a normal person, if I were anyone else on the planet even, it would have seemed super sweet. But I’m such a fuck-up, and I’ve heard it all before so many times from guys that treat me like a piece of meat, that only want a conquest or a piece of ass or whatever, that I wouldn’t be able to tell a sincere compliment from one designed to get me into bed. I haven’t the slightest clue how to tell the difference, and my track record so far is abysmal.
“I don’t mean to hurt your friend’s feelings, so if you tell me he’s a great guy, I’ll trust you. But there’s no way I can go to Homecoming with him or anyone else if I have to hear one single word about how pretty I am or how beautiful or whatever, because all it does is put me on the defensive and make me recall past mistakes and wonder whether I’m making another one. All right? I’ve never told anyone that before and I don’t intend to tell anyone again. I’m just trying to convey to you that however unfair it is of me to keep potentially well-meaning people at arm’s length, and however irrational it might seem, I have my reasons. Now will you please, please just accept that I’m totally fucked up and do your friend Kip a favor by keeping him the hell away from me?”
I was so wound up that my voice was louder than I intended, straddling the fence between anger and pain. Sarah’s eyes held so much emotion I couldn’t make heads or tails of, and her silence wasn’t reassuring. Feeling too exposed, I inserted the key back into the ignition and opened the passenger door again.
“See you Monday,” I said.
I felt her reach out for me like she had earlier and thought maybe I heard my name, but I needed to be alone. Racket and tote bag in hand, I closed the door behind me, hopped up the porch steps to my front door, and quickly pushed my way into the refuge of home.
Chapter Five
On Monday, after Wilcox’s class, I decided to try to get a moment alone with Kip. As much as I wasn’t looking forward to it, I owed him a timely response since he’d been nice as well as accommodating. I stood two steps above the quad and watched as he conversed with Sarah, Dirk, Jasper, and Amy. Still raw from our Saturday conversation in front of my house, not to mention my unraveling on the tennis court that morning, I didn’t want to talk to Sarah. That stopped me from walking over and interrupting in order to get a word with Kip. After several minutes, since it didn’t seem like the group conversation would end any time soon, I headed to the locker room to dress for practice.
Relieved not to run into Sarah, I bounded down to the courts and sought out my usual doubles partner, Kristin. We made small talk with some of the other players for a while as we awaited Coach’s instructions for the afternoon. As we chitchatted, I glanced around to see Coach and Sarah at the base of the parking lot behind court twelve. Sarah had the ball cage with her, presumably returning it, and she and Coach were conversing. Coach nodded at something Sarah said, and then they both walked along the fence between the courts and the parking lot, until they reached the rest of
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