Lighter Shades of Grey

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Authors: Cassandra Parkin
Tags: Erotic fiction, Fan fiction, 50 Shades of Grey, Humour, Parody, Lampoon, Satire
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you’re not there? Do they have special afternoon tea-parties where they put rum in their tea and giggle a lot before passing out in the cream-cakes?
The whole point of the NDA is to limit the amount of airtime his sexual predilections receive. Of course he isn’t going to sue, you dimwit.
    Ana remembers something important
    Moving. Crap – I’d forgotten all about that, even with the packing cases surrounding us. (p160)
    That’s okay Ana, you can’t remember where you’re supposed to be moving to anyway.
    The world’s luckiest outcome
    [Ana to Kate] “Hey, I have interviews! The week after next, in Seattle, for intern placements!”
    …“I told you your GPA would open doors, Ana.” (p161)
    Let’s hope you can find them once they’re opened.
    Continuity fail
    Do I really want to know the extent of Christian’s depravity? It’s so daunting. I take a deep breath, and with my heart in my throat, I rip open the envelope. (p164)
    Ana, this moment where you open the envelope containing your and Christian’s proposed contract would have carried so much more tension if you hadn’t already read and extensively discussed the thing, back on page 105.

Chapter Eleven
    In which Ana discovers the infinite playground of wonders that is the digital age
    When drafting a really iron-clad contract, it’s important to cover all eventualities
    4. The Dominant and the Submissive each warrant that they suffer from no sexual, serious, infectious or life-threatening illnesses including but not limited to HIV, Herpes and Hepatitis. If…either party should be diagnosed with…any such illness he or she undertakes to inform the other immediately.
    …Any breach [of this clause] will render [this contract] void with immediate effect. (p166)
    “Right! That’s it! You wilfully infected me with a life-limiting disease and so I am cancelling this contract , do you hear me?”
    That would totally be the first thing on my mind, too.
    Ew ew ew ew ew
    15.12 The Dominant will ensure that all equipment used for the purposes of training and discipline shall be maintained in a clean, hygienic and safe state at all times. (p169)
    Will he be cleaning it all himself, or is this another job for Mrs Jones the housekeeper?
    Twenty-first century woman
    Serve and obey in all things. All Things! I shake my head in disbelief. Actually, doesn’t the marriage ceremony use those words…obey? This throws me. Do couples still say that? (p175)
    Not since about 1928, love, no.
    Ana has a conversation with two people who aren’t even there
    You can’t seriously be considering this…My subconscious sounds sane and rational, not her usual snarky self. My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five-year-old. Please, let’s do this…otherwise we’ll end up alone with lots of cats and your classic novels to keep you company. (p176)
Actually, Ana, your subconscious almost always sounds sane and rational. There’s very little she’s said so far that I’d disagree with.
“We” can’t possibly end up “alone” since pretty much by definition, being “alone” requires an absence of plurality.
Number of people on the planet: 6.8 billion
Number of men on the planet: about 3.4 billion
Number of men you have so far attempted to have a relationship with: 1
Number of men remaining: 3,399,999,999
Amount of sense you are making in concluding that not being Christian’s Submissive will automatically lead to you becoming a lonely old cat-lady: too small to compute
And besides what’s so terrible about being a lonely old cat-lady, hey? Hey? Hey?
    Am I the only one who thinks Ana might actually be happier with Kate?
    Perhaps I should borrow Kate’s pink flannel pyjamas. I want something cuddly and reassuring about me. (p176)
    Am I submissive?...I’m shy, yes…but submissive? I let Kate bully me – is that the same? (p176)
    Hard to say, really. Does Kate bullying you turn you on? Did you enjoy it when she got in the bath with you and

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