Read Online Letters to Matt by Tara Lin Mossinghoff - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Tara Lin Mossinghoff
Ads: Link
pack Sophie up in the car. The ride to the apartment is quiet except for the baby fussing in the backseat. When we reach the apartment, Mom tries to go in with me, but I refuse. She pulls me in for a hug and cries a little. Then she bends down and kisses Sophie on her forehead as I hold the carrier.
“I love you both,” she tells us.
“Love you, Mom,” I reply as I make my way to the door Saying the words to Sophie that first day had made them easier to say to everyone else who deserved to hear it. I unlock my apartment that has been abandoned for so long. It’s the same apartment that Matt and I lived in for a few short months before he passed away.
The landlord knows I’ve barely been here, but I’ve been paying the rent so he doesn’t complain. By the time we make it in, Sophie is on the verge of a full blown fit. I take her from her car seat and sit on the couch with her.
“It’s just us now, Sophie. We’re all we’ve got.”
She won’t stop crying and it makes me cry. I cry for the apartment that feels so empty. I cry for the lack of love I feel for my daughter. I cry for my daughter that has lost her father and is now stuck with a poor excuse for a mother.
The months fly by. As promised, Mandy spends every free moment she can at the apartment, helping me with Sophie. She’s been a life saver, truly. Babies need affection and what I lacked in giving Sophie, Mandy more than made up for. Mom and Dad came over a lot, too. As did Connie and Doug and the girls, and my various friends. I was hardly ever alone with Sophie, except at night.
She is seven months now and I still feel detached. I read that some women took a little while longer to bond with their babies, and I was hoping that had been the case, but, sadly, it wasn’t. I can still barely bring myself to feel much for her. I don’t neglect her. I still make sure she always has everything she needs, and I make sure she is taken care of, but I don’t snuggle with her. I don’t play with her. I don’t just watch her crawl on the floor playing.
Each new accomplishment is a stab in my heart, knowing that I get to be there for it and Mat doesn’t.
If anyone notices my lack of emotions, they don’t say anything.
Adam and Mandy are over. The three of us sit on the couch, talking, while Sophie is sitting on the floor, playing.
“Holy shit, look!” Adam says suddenly. “Look, guys!”
Mandy and I glance over to see Sophie standing up, leaning against an overturned clothes basket.
“Ahh!” Mandy squeals. “Go, Sophie! Oh, where’s my phone? I have to get a picture!”
I sit watching my daughter’s new trick and the tears threaten to fall. I can’t stay in here. It is just one other thing that Matt is missing. I walk to the bathroom and sit down on the toilet. My head falls into my hands and I cry. I miss him so fucking much. It still feels like I lost him just yesterday.
I expect to hear him scooping Sophie up, telling her how proud daddy is of his big girl. I think about how I should be scooping her up and telling her how proud I am, but instead, I want to sit in the bathroom alone and wallow in my own self-pity. I’m pathetic.
There’s a knock on the door.
“Jaden, open the damn door.” It’s Mandy, and she’s fucking pissed.
It’s unlocked and I see the knob turn. Mandy walks in and closes the door behind her.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” This only makes me cry harder. “Fine, you don’t want to talk, but you’re going to listen,” she tells me. She kneels down in front of me. I know she wants to be sympathetic, but I also know she doesn’t beat around the bush. “I don’t know what is up with you. I know you miss Matt. And I knew you never felt close with Sophie after you guys got home from the hospital. I pushed it off. I knew you were grieving, so I didn’t push you, but Sophie is seven months old. Matt’s been gone for almost a year. It’s time to stop the pity party.”
“Fuck you,” I say.
“I love you both,” she tells us.
“Love you, Mom,” I reply as I make my way to the door Saying the words to Sophie that first day had made them easier to say to everyone else who deserved to hear it. I unlock my apartment that has been abandoned for so long. It’s the same apartment that Matt and I lived in for a few short months before he passed away.
The landlord knows I’ve barely been here, but I’ve been paying the rent so he doesn’t complain. By the time we make it in, Sophie is on the verge of a full blown fit. I take her from her car seat and sit on the couch with her.
“It’s just us now, Sophie. We’re all we’ve got.”
She won’t stop crying and it makes me cry. I cry for the apartment that feels so empty. I cry for the lack of love I feel for my daughter. I cry for my daughter that has lost her father and is now stuck with a poor excuse for a mother.
The months fly by. As promised, Mandy spends every free moment she can at the apartment, helping me with Sophie. She’s been a life saver, truly. Babies need affection and what I lacked in giving Sophie, Mandy more than made up for. Mom and Dad came over a lot, too. As did Connie and Doug and the girls, and my various friends. I was hardly ever alone with Sophie, except at night.
She is seven months now and I still feel detached. I read that some women took a little while longer to bond with their babies, and I was hoping that had been the case, but, sadly, it wasn’t. I can still barely bring myself to feel much for her. I don’t neglect her. I still make sure she always has everything she needs, and I make sure she is taken care of, but I don’t snuggle with her. I don’t play with her. I don’t just watch her crawl on the floor playing.
Each new accomplishment is a stab in my heart, knowing that I get to be there for it and Mat doesn’t.
If anyone notices my lack of emotions, they don’t say anything.
Adam and Mandy are over. The three of us sit on the couch, talking, while Sophie is sitting on the floor, playing.
“Holy shit, look!” Adam says suddenly. “Look, guys!”
Mandy and I glance over to see Sophie standing up, leaning against an overturned clothes basket.
“Ahh!” Mandy squeals. “Go, Sophie! Oh, where’s my phone? I have to get a picture!”
I sit watching my daughter’s new trick and the tears threaten to fall. I can’t stay in here. It is just one other thing that Matt is missing. I walk to the bathroom and sit down on the toilet. My head falls into my hands and I cry. I miss him so fucking much. It still feels like I lost him just yesterday.
I expect to hear him scooping Sophie up, telling her how proud daddy is of his big girl. I think about how I should be scooping her up and telling her how proud I am, but instead, I want to sit in the bathroom alone and wallow in my own self-pity. I’m pathetic.
There’s a knock on the door.
“Jaden, open the damn door.” It’s Mandy, and she’s fucking pissed.
It’s unlocked and I see the knob turn. Mandy walks in and closes the door behind her.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” This only makes me cry harder. “Fine, you don’t want to talk, but you’re going to listen,” she tells me. She kneels down in front of me. I know she wants to be sympathetic, but I also know she doesn’t beat around the bush. “I don’t know what is up with you. I know you miss Matt. And I knew you never felt close with Sophie after you guys got home from the hospital. I pushed it off. I knew you were grieving, so I didn’t push you, but Sophie is seven months old. Matt’s been gone for almost a year. It’s time to stop the pity party.”
“Fuck you,” I say.
Similar Books
