Read Online Les Dawson's Cissie and Ada by Terry Ravenscroft - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Terry Ravenscroft
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show it was apparent that Andy and I were coming up with the sort of material which suited Les whereas, for one reason or another, Tom and Colin weren’t. The following day Peter Whitmore took Les to one side and said, “Oh by the way, Les, I’ve had to let Magee-Englelfied and Bostock-Smith go. Quick as a flash Les said, “Well that’s got rid of four of the buggers.”
A further anecdote typical of Les gave birth on another recording night when, with the audience settled in their seats for the 7.30 start, Les was nowhere to be seen. Search parties were quickly sent out. Les was eventually run to ground in the BBC canteen telling jokes to two cleaning ladies. The P.A. who found Les said, “Les, for God’s sake, there’s an audience of three hundred waiting for the show to start.” Les, without showing the least concern said, “Make that three hundred and two,” turned to the cleaning ladies and said, “Follow me girls.” And they did.
Les is sadly no longer with us, and television repeats of his work are few and far between, so perhaps these Cissie and Ada scripts, which were brought wonderfully to life by Les and Roy, will go a little way towards filling the void he left. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them.
Terry Ravenscroft, June 2011.
THE ART GALLERY
AN ART GALLERY. CISSIE AND ADA ARE LOOKING AT A LARGE PAINTING, A LANDSCAPE BY THE FRENCH IMPRESSIONIST CAMILLE PISSARRO. CISSIE IS OBVIOUSLY VERY TAKEN BY THE PAINTING, ADA LESS SO.
CISSIE:
Oh yes. Very artistic, isn’t it, Ada.
ADA:
Well if you like trees it is.
CISSIE:
French, if I’m not mistaken. (SHE REFERS TO HER BROCHURE) Yes, I was right. It’s a Pissarro.
ADA:
They’ll do it anywhere these foreigners.
CISSIE:
Camille Pissarro was a famous Impressionist, Ada.
ADA:
What, you mean a sort of French Mike Yarwood?
CISSIE:
Honestly Ada, I can’t take you anywhere. You’re pig ignorant, you really are. For your information Impressionists were painters who paint without elaborate finish or detail.
ADA:
Well the Co-op Decorators do that. Have you seen the state they left my front room skirting boards in, I’ve seen less streaks on two pounds of belly pork.
CISSIE:
If, as I suspect, you are totally uncomprehending in matters of good taste and breeding, Ada, kindly keep your gob shut!
ADA:
Well there’s no need for that, I’m sure.
CISSIE;
Well you’d test the patience of a saint, you really would. I mean you were just the same when I took you to that exhibition of ‘Clothing Through the Ages’ when we went to Rhyl. Showing me up like that!
ADA:
What do you mean, showing you up?
CISSIE:
You know very well what I mean. When the guide pointed out those corsets and said they were from William and Mary. And you said ‘Are they as good as Marks and Spencers?’
ADA:
Well I’m very sorry I’m sure but some of us haven’t had the benefit of your education, have we. I mean I could only go to school every other day, what with being a twin and only one pair of knickers between us.
CISSIE:
But you were both in the school hockey team surely? What did you do then?
ADA:
If it wasn’t my day for the knickers prayed it wasn’t windy.
CISSIE:
Yes well accompanying me round this art gallery will give you the chance to catch up on your education. It can do you nothing but good.
ADA:
This isn’t doing my feet any good, they feel like a couple of globe artichokes.
CISSIE:
Oh stop complaining will you, we have a lot to get through yet.
THEY WALK ON. SUDDENLY ADA SEES A STATUE OF A NAKED GREEK GOD. IT STOPS HER IN HER TRACKS.
ADA:
Ooooooh! (SHE QUICKLY COVERS CISSIE’S EYES AND TRIES TO WALK HER PAST THE STATUE)
CISSIE:
What the….what do you think you’re playing at, Ada!
ADA:
Just keep walking, Cissie.
CISSIE PUSHES ADA’S HANDS AWAY.
CISSIE:
Get your hands off me, you daft…. (SHE SEES THE STATUE)…oooh! Oh I say.
ADA:
Well I did try to save you from
A further anecdote typical of Les gave birth on another recording night when, with the audience settled in their seats for the 7.30 start, Les was nowhere to be seen. Search parties were quickly sent out. Les was eventually run to ground in the BBC canteen telling jokes to two cleaning ladies. The P.A. who found Les said, “Les, for God’s sake, there’s an audience of three hundred waiting for the show to start.” Les, without showing the least concern said, “Make that three hundred and two,” turned to the cleaning ladies and said, “Follow me girls.” And they did.
Les is sadly no longer with us, and television repeats of his work are few and far between, so perhaps these Cissie and Ada scripts, which were brought wonderfully to life by Les and Roy, will go a little way towards filling the void he left. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them.
Terry Ravenscroft, June 2011.
THE ART GALLERY
AN ART GALLERY. CISSIE AND ADA ARE LOOKING AT A LARGE PAINTING, A LANDSCAPE BY THE FRENCH IMPRESSIONIST CAMILLE PISSARRO. CISSIE IS OBVIOUSLY VERY TAKEN BY THE PAINTING, ADA LESS SO.
CISSIE:
Oh yes. Very artistic, isn’t it, Ada.
ADA:
Well if you like trees it is.
CISSIE:
French, if I’m not mistaken. (SHE REFERS TO HER BROCHURE) Yes, I was right. It’s a Pissarro.
ADA:
They’ll do it anywhere these foreigners.
CISSIE:
Camille Pissarro was a famous Impressionist, Ada.
ADA:
What, you mean a sort of French Mike Yarwood?
CISSIE:
Honestly Ada, I can’t take you anywhere. You’re pig ignorant, you really are. For your information Impressionists were painters who paint without elaborate finish or detail.
ADA:
Well the Co-op Decorators do that. Have you seen the state they left my front room skirting boards in, I’ve seen less streaks on two pounds of belly pork.
CISSIE:
If, as I suspect, you are totally uncomprehending in matters of good taste and breeding, Ada, kindly keep your gob shut!
ADA:
Well there’s no need for that, I’m sure.
CISSIE;
Well you’d test the patience of a saint, you really would. I mean you were just the same when I took you to that exhibition of ‘Clothing Through the Ages’ when we went to Rhyl. Showing me up like that!
ADA:
What do you mean, showing you up?
CISSIE:
You know very well what I mean. When the guide pointed out those corsets and said they were from William and Mary. And you said ‘Are they as good as Marks and Spencers?’
ADA:
Well I’m very sorry I’m sure but some of us haven’t had the benefit of your education, have we. I mean I could only go to school every other day, what with being a twin and only one pair of knickers between us.
CISSIE:
But you were both in the school hockey team surely? What did you do then?
ADA:
If it wasn’t my day for the knickers prayed it wasn’t windy.
CISSIE:
Yes well accompanying me round this art gallery will give you the chance to catch up on your education. It can do you nothing but good.
ADA:
This isn’t doing my feet any good, they feel like a couple of globe artichokes.
CISSIE:
Oh stop complaining will you, we have a lot to get through yet.
THEY WALK ON. SUDDENLY ADA SEES A STATUE OF A NAKED GREEK GOD. IT STOPS HER IN HER TRACKS.
ADA:
Ooooooh! (SHE QUICKLY COVERS CISSIE’S EYES AND TRIES TO WALK HER PAST THE STATUE)
CISSIE:
What the….what do you think you’re playing at, Ada!
ADA:
Just keep walking, Cissie.
CISSIE PUSHES ADA’S HANDS AWAY.
CISSIE:
Get your hands off me, you daft…. (SHE SEES THE STATUE)…oooh! Oh I say.
ADA:
Well I did try to save you from
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