kindergartener walked in and went to the one right next to me. Clearly, no one has ever explained to him the rules of male restroom etiquette.
I’ve seen this kid before and taken notice because he’s short even by kindergarten standards. I’d be surprised if he was 3 feet tall.
It all happened very quickly. The kid stepped up and yanked his pants down around his ankles. He couldn’t have peed more than two drops and he was done. Then he sneezed.
Some combination of the sneeze, the lowered pants, and the simultaneous fart knocked the kid down. He actually fell to the floor, sort of backwards and sideways.
The poor kid was rolling around, trying to right himself like a turtle that’s been flipped over, and all I could do was try my very best not to bust a gut from laughing.
I eventually had to reach down, pick the kid up, and get him set upright once again. I asked if he was OK (still fighting back giggles), but he didn’t seem to hear me. He looked like a flash-bang grenade had been set off in front of him, and he swayed drunkenly on his feet with a dazed look on his face. Then suddenly he snapped out of it. He pulled up his pants, yelled, “BYE!” and made a beeline for the door.
“You might want to wash your… OK then, never mind,” I trailed off as he disappeared.
The rest of my day was pretty uneventful, but the events of the morning reminded me of something that I don’t think I told you about last week.
Last Tuesday, Cerulean’s mother came up to the school to deliver a doctor’s note.
Cerulean is a large girl who's just not very bright and who takes so many bathroom breaks that we’ve had to call home, concerned. Thus, the doctor’s note. It made for a very interesting read, though some of the technical jargon was a bit over my head.
The note said:
“Cerulean has a functional voiding disturbance which has strained the bladder so that she has trouble with wetness, holding urine. Please allow the child to go to the bathroom when she feels the need and encourage her to stay as long as it takes her to completely empty her bladder. Your cooperation with this is sincerely appreciated.”
“Functional voiding disturbance??!!?” What on earth is that? While I’m sure Dave Barry would say that would make a great name for a rock band, it sounds to me like one of those dire side effects that are always listed with prescription medication.
“Possible side effects of Drugzinol include cotton mouth, snow blindness, explosive flatulence, and functional voiding disturbance.”
I also noticed that we are asked to encourage Cerulean to stay as long as it takes her to completely empty her bladder. I guess whenever she’s using the bathroom, I should stand outside the door with pom-poms, cheering, “Push it out, push it out, WAAAAAY out!”
Truly, I don’t begrudge someone an actual medical issue. But Cerulean is the kind of girl who will most definitely take advantage of this. She was in Mrs. Bird’s room when the note was delivered, and coincidentally enough, she needed to use the bathroom as soon as her mother had left. It wasn’t even 8:30! Wednesday, she raised her hand to ask me around 2:00, and she got up and slowly walked past the other kids, grinning and smirking at them like she was on her way to accept the crown for prom queen.
There’s already another girl in my afternoon class, Temperance, who presented a similar doctor’s note at the beginning of the year. So each afternoon, it’s become a contest to see which of them will ask first. Not which one will ask – which one will ask FIRST. This afternoon, after both of them had gone and returned, Tyler told me that he needed to go. Unfortunately for him, he didn’t have a doctor’s note, so his request was denied. Fortunately for me, he didn’t break wind and blow himself out of his chair. I think that would have trumped any doctor’s note.
Talk to you later,
Gus T. Kidd
Date: Wednesday, October 14, 2009
To:
I’ve seen this kid before and taken notice because he’s short even by kindergarten standards. I’d be surprised if he was 3 feet tall.
It all happened very quickly. The kid stepped up and yanked his pants down around his ankles. He couldn’t have peed more than two drops and he was done. Then he sneezed.
Some combination of the sneeze, the lowered pants, and the simultaneous fart knocked the kid down. He actually fell to the floor, sort of backwards and sideways.
The poor kid was rolling around, trying to right himself like a turtle that’s been flipped over, and all I could do was try my very best not to bust a gut from laughing.
I eventually had to reach down, pick the kid up, and get him set upright once again. I asked if he was OK (still fighting back giggles), but he didn’t seem to hear me. He looked like a flash-bang grenade had been set off in front of him, and he swayed drunkenly on his feet with a dazed look on his face. Then suddenly he snapped out of it. He pulled up his pants, yelled, “BYE!” and made a beeline for the door.
“You might want to wash your… OK then, never mind,” I trailed off as he disappeared.
The rest of my day was pretty uneventful, but the events of the morning reminded me of something that I don’t think I told you about last week.
Last Tuesday, Cerulean’s mother came up to the school to deliver a doctor’s note.
Cerulean is a large girl who's just not very bright and who takes so many bathroom breaks that we’ve had to call home, concerned. Thus, the doctor’s note. It made for a very interesting read, though some of the technical jargon was a bit over my head.
The note said:
“Cerulean has a functional voiding disturbance which has strained the bladder so that she has trouble with wetness, holding urine. Please allow the child to go to the bathroom when she feels the need and encourage her to stay as long as it takes her to completely empty her bladder. Your cooperation with this is sincerely appreciated.”
“Functional voiding disturbance??!!?” What on earth is that? While I’m sure Dave Barry would say that would make a great name for a rock band, it sounds to me like one of those dire side effects that are always listed with prescription medication.
“Possible side effects of Drugzinol include cotton mouth, snow blindness, explosive flatulence, and functional voiding disturbance.”
I also noticed that we are asked to encourage Cerulean to stay as long as it takes her to completely empty her bladder. I guess whenever she’s using the bathroom, I should stand outside the door with pom-poms, cheering, “Push it out, push it out, WAAAAAY out!”
Truly, I don’t begrudge someone an actual medical issue. But Cerulean is the kind of girl who will most definitely take advantage of this. She was in Mrs. Bird’s room when the note was delivered, and coincidentally enough, she needed to use the bathroom as soon as her mother had left. It wasn’t even 8:30! Wednesday, she raised her hand to ask me around 2:00, and she got up and slowly walked past the other kids, grinning and smirking at them like she was on her way to accept the crown for prom queen.
There’s already another girl in my afternoon class, Temperance, who presented a similar doctor’s note at the beginning of the year. So each afternoon, it’s become a contest to see which of them will ask first. Not which one will ask – which one will ask FIRST. This afternoon, after both of them had gone and returned, Tyler told me that he needed to go. Unfortunately for him, he didn’t have a doctor’s note, so his request was denied. Fortunately for me, he didn’t break wind and blow himself out of his chair. I think that would have trumped any doctor’s note.
Talk to you later,
Gus T. Kidd
Date: Wednesday, October 14, 2009
To:
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