Read Online Katerina by Aharon Appelfeld - Free Book Online

her hand, sharp contempt compressed in her eyes. It was clear she felt contempt not only for her husband and sisters-in-law but also for her childhood friends who had become rich and now ignored her. Something of that look now flickered in Maria’s eyes.
    I walked her to the train platform. Now I knew that if it hadn’t been for Maria, it was doubtful whether I’d have left the village. She looked at me kindly but without pity, and she said, “You mustn’t be discouraged. You must learn to listen to your desires and not consider anyone else. People who are too considerate fall flat on their faces in the end. If you’ve decided to steal, then steal. If a fellow pleases you, sleep with him right away. The true will knows no bounds.”
    That’s how Maria was. I accompanied her up the ramp and cried. My heart told me I would never see her again. Many people have been wiped out of my memory, but not Maria. She is ensconced in my heart, and I think about her often. To her credit, it should be said that she never offered false consolations. She demanded courage from everyone, even from the weak. She was contemptuous of the Jews because they love life, they cling to life at any price. “If you don’t risk your life, it isn’t worth living,” she used to say.
    I parted from Maria, and the light went out above me all at once. If the old conductor had come up and said to me,“Come to my lodge and warm up my bones,” I would have gone with him. There was no will in me. I collapsed in a corner and fell asleep.
    The next morning was cold and clear, and I had severe heartburn. A few drunkards clustered in a corner and cursed the income tax office and the Jews. At their stands, Jews sold candies wrapped in luscious pink paper.
    “I’m not afraid,” said one of the old Jews, removing himself from a slit in the wall.
    “I’ll be back,” the thug threatened him.
    “Death doesn’t frighten me anymore.”
    “We’ll see.”
    “I’m going to death with my eyes open.” The Jew left his niche and stood up straight on the sidewalk.
    “Why are you shaking?”
    “I’m not shaking. You can come and see.”
    “You disgust me.”
    “You’re not a human being. You’re a beast of prey,” said the Jew, and he didn’t rush back to his hole.
    I had neither friends nor relatives here. My purse shrank and emptied. I stood in the busy railroad station as on the day of my arrival here. My mother tongue evoked a hidden sight within me: my mother’s funeral. Often I promised myself to return to the village and kneel on my parents’ graves, but I didn’t keep that promise. My native village always had frightened me, and now even more so. Soon, I curled up in a corner and fell asleep. In a dream I saw Rosa sitting in the kitchen and clutching a cup of tea in her palm. A cold light poured over her forehead, her cheekbones jutted out, and her gray hair was not covered by a kerchief. There was no beauty in her face, just a strange restfulness.
    The next day I was standing, lost in the mass, and a woman approached me and said, “Perhaps you’d like to work for me.” After days of wandering, struggle, and despair, once again an angel had appeared from on high. God almighty, only miracles happen to me. Every day the miracles are renewed and I, in my haste, had said that there was only ugliness here, only darkness.
    She was a tall woman, with measured movements, very pretty, like a heroine of the Polish nobility. For a moment I was pleased that fortune had favored me with a different face this time. A Jewish home is a quiet one but very strict.
    “Where have you worked until now?”
    I told her.
    “I too, if you don’t mind, am Jewish.”
    I was astonished and, greatly embarrassed, I said, “I’m familiar with the laws of
kashrut
.”
    “We are Jews of course, but we don’t observe the commandments.”
    I didn’t know what to answer, so I said, “As you wish.”
    It was a spacious home, different from regular Jewish households.