Read Online Just One Bite by Kimberly Raye - Free Book Online Page A

birthday party, and so I’m stuck with the job.” Which was, for the most part, the truth. Minus a few details—such as Vinnie being the biggest SOB in Jersey who liked to play dentist to the rich and fanged.
    “You could call the police and tell them you’re being threatened. They’ll keep an eye on you.”
    “They’re busy. They can’t watch me 24/7.” I shook my head. “It would piss Vinnie off and I’ve gotten attached to all of my fingers.” I stiffened and summoned my courage. “Besides, there’s no reason to bring the cops in at this point because I’ve already found him someone.”
    “Carmen?”
    “Bingo.” I took the stack of messages and mail that she handed me and shifted my attention to the closed door of room A. “Tell me about the last fifteen minutes.”
    She took a long gulp of her latte as if drawing strength. “You know me. I firmly believe there’s someone for everyone—except my bastard of an ex who deserves to rot in hell all by his lonesome. But otherwise, we all have that perfect someone out there somewhere.”
    Have I mentioned that Evie and I were identical twins in a past life?
    “Except in this case,” she went on. She took another sip and then wrinkled her nose. “This guy is something else.”
    “Unattractive?”
    “Obnoxious.” She handed over his profile. “Do you know what he listed under ‘Special Talents’? Farting the national anthem. Not only did he write it down, but he actually demonstrated. I don’t think we’ll ever get the smell out.”
    “At least he’s not shy.”
    “Duh. He propositioned me eight times already. Very graphically. Complete with hand gestures. I swear, if I have to go in there one more time, I’m going to give him a few gestures of my own.”
    “Never fear, Lil is here.” Armed and ready to save the singles of the world from the cold, dark, bottomless pit of loneliness. (Did I mention I gulped down a Rockstar while waiting in line at the Starbucks?) “I’m sure DED’s latest and greatest has some redeeming quality that can make him attractive to the opposite sex.” I scanned the first page.
     
Favorite movie? Saw I-IV.
Favorite music? Anything by Marilyn Manson.
Favorite actor? Howard Stern.
Favorite pastime? Jacking off.
     
    Okay, maybe not.
    I shook my head. “So he’s got a few hang-ups? If he were perfect, he wouldn’t need us.” Atta girl. It was all about being optimistic and confident. At least that’s what I’d been telling myself since I’d crawled out of bed that evening, after a sleepless night worrying about Vinnie and my possible death and dismemberment.
    “I’m sure we can find something, ” I went on. “Maybe he likes to cook. Or maybe he’s an animal lover.”
    “Funny you should mention that. Page three details a very interesting threesome with a duck and a pig. Exactly,” Evie added when I made a face. “I’m telling you—lost cause.”
    “There has to be at least one appealing trait.”
    “I’d settle for a trait that doesn’t make him a prime candidate for Riker’s Island.”
    Me, too.
    I was just about to flip to the second page to see what I could come up with when my attention snagged on the name scribbled at the top.
    Earl Hubert Stanley.
    Recognition struck and my already frantic brain cells started to buzz. My mind raced back to the previous night and the church.
    “The janitor?”
    “He’s a janitor?” Evie grabbed the profile and flipped to the personal info section. “Great. Now we’re really screwed. Nobody in Manhattan wants to date a vulgar, socially deranged, serial-killer obsessed, sexually deviant janitor. ” She shrugged. “Then again, I just described my last four boyfriends, so what do I know?”
    I scanned the profile for any mention of a dear departed Emmaline or Dolly Parton or even a measly Hungry-Man. Nothing.
    Because it’s not him.
    This was New York City. Out of several million people, there had to be more than just one Earl Hubert Stanley.