sceptical smile and a brow lift from Matilda. ‘I am,’ she insisted. ‘If I hadn’t seen the dress, I wouldn’t have been in such a soppy and sentimental mood when I ran into him. It’s not like I didn’t know it was going to happen sooner or later.’ She paused to collect herself. ‘Why did you keep it?’
‘It wasn’t mine to throw away.’
‘No, I know, but … but …’ But what? She’d always assumed Matilda would have given it to the Salvos or something.
‘At first I left it there because I thought you’d be back. You were so in love with him, no one was more surprised than me when you ran off like that. I knew you better than everyone, aside from Flynn, and he never suspected a problem. He was a wreck. So I was sure you’d be back.’
A familiar guilt gnawed at Ellie’s heart and she rested her hand against her stomach. Nausea was the standard reaction whenever she thought of what she’d done to Flynn. She did her best to live her life in denial but occasionally – usually on lonely weekends,when all she had was the company of bad black-and-white movies on the telly – her thoughts turned to him. More than once she’d been physically sick.
‘Then,’ continued Matilda, ‘by the time it became clear you’d made a life for yourself without him, the dress had been there so long. It probably sounds silly, but it made me feel closer to you. You were never as happy as the day you tried on that dress. Sometimes I’d come into the room, look at the dress and wonder if there was anything I could have done.’
‘No,’ Ellie rushed, ‘none of this was your fault.’ The last thing she needed was for Matilda, who had always been there for her no matter what, to feel guilty as well. So many times she’d almost spilled her heart out to Mat, but she’d never quite been able to find the words. Mat loved and trusted her more than anyone, so Ellie had been scared. Scared that Mat would think of her differently if she knew. ‘I don’t want you to ever –’
Matilda held up her hand to silence Ellie. ‘I need to say this. The years passed and you made no mention of coming back. I meant to clean out your room, I really did, but you know what I’m like with my own clutter, I couldn’t bear to sort and make decisions about yours. I’m sorry, I should have gotten rid of that dress, but something I can’t really explain stopped me.’
‘It’s okay.’ Ellie’s reply was a mere whisper. All choked up, she thought about the crumpled dress in the bottom of the wardrobe. What the hell should she do with it? ‘I understand,’ she continued, ‘but I want you to know that none of what happened is your fault. If anyone besides me is to blame – for leaving, for staying away all these years – it’s my despicable excuse for a mother.’
‘Your mother?’ Matilda looked baffled. ‘I didn’t know you two were in touch. I thought the last time you saw Rhiannon was in Perth, just before your …’
Ellie knew she was about to say wedding. She shook her head and set her friend straight. ‘She never turned up.’
Matilda’s mouth dropped open like a sideshow clown and her eyes grew cold. ‘But I don’t understand. You told me you spent the weekend in the city together, that she apologised profusely about not being able to make it to your wedding. I wanted to hunt her down, give her what for about missing the most important day of your life.’
‘All lies,’ Ellie admitted. ‘I guess I felt like an idiot for thinking she’d care enough to meet up with me, and I wanted you all to think that she did. When she didn’t show, I waited in the bar for five hours, treating myself to cocktails to cheer up. I got quite drunk.’ That was a massive understatement.
In the next hour or so, Ellie spilled the truth about what had happened that awful weekend in Perth. She left nothing out. She cried a lot. And so did Matilda, who cursed herself for not being there for Ellie when she’d needed her
‘It wasn’t mine to throw away.’
‘No, I know, but … but …’ But what? She’d always assumed Matilda would have given it to the Salvos or something.
‘At first I left it there because I thought you’d be back. You were so in love with him, no one was more surprised than me when you ran off like that. I knew you better than everyone, aside from Flynn, and he never suspected a problem. He was a wreck. So I was sure you’d be back.’
A familiar guilt gnawed at Ellie’s heart and she rested her hand against her stomach. Nausea was the standard reaction whenever she thought of what she’d done to Flynn. She did her best to live her life in denial but occasionally – usually on lonely weekends,when all she had was the company of bad black-and-white movies on the telly – her thoughts turned to him. More than once she’d been physically sick.
‘Then,’ continued Matilda, ‘by the time it became clear you’d made a life for yourself without him, the dress had been there so long. It probably sounds silly, but it made me feel closer to you. You were never as happy as the day you tried on that dress. Sometimes I’d come into the room, look at the dress and wonder if there was anything I could have done.’
‘No,’ Ellie rushed, ‘none of this was your fault.’ The last thing she needed was for Matilda, who had always been there for her no matter what, to feel guilty as well. So many times she’d almost spilled her heart out to Mat, but she’d never quite been able to find the words. Mat loved and trusted her more than anyone, so Ellie had been scared. Scared that Mat would think of her differently if she knew. ‘I don’t want you to ever –’
Matilda held up her hand to silence Ellie. ‘I need to say this. The years passed and you made no mention of coming back. I meant to clean out your room, I really did, but you know what I’m like with my own clutter, I couldn’t bear to sort and make decisions about yours. I’m sorry, I should have gotten rid of that dress, but something I can’t really explain stopped me.’
‘It’s okay.’ Ellie’s reply was a mere whisper. All choked up, she thought about the crumpled dress in the bottom of the wardrobe. What the hell should she do with it? ‘I understand,’ she continued, ‘but I want you to know that none of what happened is your fault. If anyone besides me is to blame – for leaving, for staying away all these years – it’s my despicable excuse for a mother.’
‘Your mother?’ Matilda looked baffled. ‘I didn’t know you two were in touch. I thought the last time you saw Rhiannon was in Perth, just before your …’
Ellie knew she was about to say wedding. She shook her head and set her friend straight. ‘She never turned up.’
Matilda’s mouth dropped open like a sideshow clown and her eyes grew cold. ‘But I don’t understand. You told me you spent the weekend in the city together, that she apologised profusely about not being able to make it to your wedding. I wanted to hunt her down, give her what for about missing the most important day of your life.’
‘All lies,’ Ellie admitted. ‘I guess I felt like an idiot for thinking she’d care enough to meet up with me, and I wanted you all to think that she did. When she didn’t show, I waited in the bar for five hours, treating myself to cocktails to cheer up. I got quite drunk.’ That was a massive understatement.
In the next hour or so, Ellie spilled the truth about what had happened that awful weekend in Perth. She left nothing out. She cried a lot. And so did Matilda, who cursed herself for not being there for Ellie when she’d needed her
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