Read Online Jennifer Johnson Is Sick of Being Married by Heather McElhatton - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Heather McElhatton
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and leather lingerie collection
  2. Likes loud bikes and long roads
  3. Hangs on, sits still, and shuts up
  4. Wears buttless black leather chaps to bed
  5. Wins lube-wrestling contests
  6. Packs a G-string Derringer .38
  7. Has pierced at least three lobes of skin
  8. Tattoos her manâs name somewhere sexy, like crotch
  9. Serves Jägermeister shots in her navel
10. Will give cops a blow job to spring her man out of jail
Top Ten Traits of a Fundamentalist Mormon Trophy Wife
  1. Intact virginity
  2. Doesnât have a driverâs license or a social security number
  3. Unaware of the outside world or of government programs like social services
  4. Sews her own burlap menstrual pads
  5. Doesnât sass
  6. Obeys her sister wivesâall twelve of them
  7. Can feed a family of forty people on forty cents a week
  8. Can simultaneously churn butter and slaughter a chicken
  9. Her children are Good & Plenty, her uterus is Good & Fertile
10. Patiently reads Bible while husband is in adjoining shack, banging another wife
Â
Trophies look different to everyone, so we must build the perfect trophy for this particular group, and since weâre trying to impress Bradâs parents, I need to become their idea of a trophy wife. Theyâre white upper-class Minnesotans with heavy corporate overtones, ingrained Lutheran values, and Norwegian-themed clothing. When I make a list of what attributes they prize most, however . . . I realize that my recently reformed bad boy of a husband hates all the things they revere. He may want to impress them, but my goal is to impress him . . . Heâs a neâer-do-well, black-sheep bad boy who likes fast cars and strong drinks and has none of his parentsâ core values whatsoever. I need to run two races at the same time, his and theirs. Two completely different races, two opposite trophy wives . . . one me.
No problem.
Where thereâs a determined woman . . . thereâs always a way.
Â
BRADâS PARENTSâ IDEA OF A TROPHY WIFE:
BRADâS IDEA OF A TROPHY WIFE:
A girl who loves America and Jesus
A girl who loves porn and bacon
A sweetheart who bakes cookies like Grandma
A temptress who grills steak in a thong
A timid soul who doesnât like to touch or talk about money
A confident woman who pays her own bills
A predictable woman who embraces routine like an autistic child
A spontaneous firecracker whoâs wild and unpredictable, unless he wants to stay in
An avid baker who can win any pie contest at the state fair
A chesty bombshell who can win any wet T-shirt contest in Florida
A properly dressed lady who orders pantsuits from Talbots
A real stunner who wears sleek power suits with stilettos
A kind soul whoâs also a trained nurse
A trained nurse whoâs also a trained stripper
A pious lady whoâs fertile and regards sex as a grim necessity
A sexpert whoâs like a porn star in bed and also on the pill
A cranky virgin who wears a floor-length plaid flannel nightgown to bed
A free spirit who wears nothing but baby oil to bed
A good wife whoâs as clever as she is clingy and able to track down their son like a Saint Bernard
A cool wife whoâs as easygoing and nonjudgmental as a golden retriever and never asks where he was or who he was with, just wags her tail whenever she sees him
Â
Examining the statistical data of these two different trophy wives, we find that despite the many differences, there are also a few crossover areas that both groups value, and we tackle those areas first. The most obvious area is how I look. Everybody wants me to look damn good, all the damn time. It makes me wonder if there are any living creatures anywhere in the world that donât care about looks. I mean, even penguins are
  2. Likes loud bikes and long roads
  3. Hangs on, sits still, and shuts up
  4. Wears buttless black leather chaps to bed
  5. Wins lube-wrestling contests
  6. Packs a G-string Derringer .38
  7. Has pierced at least three lobes of skin
  8. Tattoos her manâs name somewhere sexy, like crotch
  9. Serves Jägermeister shots in her navel
10. Will give cops a blow job to spring her man out of jail
Top Ten Traits of a Fundamentalist Mormon Trophy Wife
  1. Intact virginity
  2. Doesnât have a driverâs license or a social security number
  3. Unaware of the outside world or of government programs like social services
  4. Sews her own burlap menstrual pads
  5. Doesnât sass
  6. Obeys her sister wivesâall twelve of them
  7. Can feed a family of forty people on forty cents a week
  8. Can simultaneously churn butter and slaughter a chicken
  9. Her children are Good & Plenty, her uterus is Good & Fertile
10. Patiently reads Bible while husband is in adjoining shack, banging another wife
Â
Trophies look different to everyone, so we must build the perfect trophy for this particular group, and since weâre trying to impress Bradâs parents, I need to become their idea of a trophy wife. Theyâre white upper-class Minnesotans with heavy corporate overtones, ingrained Lutheran values, and Norwegian-themed clothing. When I make a list of what attributes they prize most, however . . . I realize that my recently reformed bad boy of a husband hates all the things they revere. He may want to impress them, but my goal is to impress him . . . Heâs a neâer-do-well, black-sheep bad boy who likes fast cars and strong drinks and has none of his parentsâ core values whatsoever. I need to run two races at the same time, his and theirs. Two completely different races, two opposite trophy wives . . . one me.
No problem.
Where thereâs a determined woman . . . thereâs always a way.
Â
BRADâS PARENTSâ IDEA OF A TROPHY WIFE:
BRADâS IDEA OF A TROPHY WIFE:
A girl who loves America and Jesus
A girl who loves porn and bacon
A sweetheart who bakes cookies like Grandma
A temptress who grills steak in a thong
A timid soul who doesnât like to touch or talk about money
A confident woman who pays her own bills
A predictable woman who embraces routine like an autistic child
A spontaneous firecracker whoâs wild and unpredictable, unless he wants to stay in
An avid baker who can win any pie contest at the state fair
A chesty bombshell who can win any wet T-shirt contest in Florida
A properly dressed lady who orders pantsuits from Talbots
A real stunner who wears sleek power suits with stilettos
A kind soul whoâs also a trained nurse
A trained nurse whoâs also a trained stripper
A pious lady whoâs fertile and regards sex as a grim necessity
A sexpert whoâs like a porn star in bed and also on the pill
A cranky virgin who wears a floor-length plaid flannel nightgown to bed
A free spirit who wears nothing but baby oil to bed
A good wife whoâs as clever as she is clingy and able to track down their son like a Saint Bernard
A cool wife whoâs as easygoing and nonjudgmental as a golden retriever and never asks where he was or who he was with, just wags her tail whenever she sees him
Â
Examining the statistical data of these two different trophy wives, we find that despite the many differences, there are also a few crossover areas that both groups value, and we tackle those areas first. The most obvious area is how I look. Everybody wants me to look damn good, all the damn time. It makes me wonder if there are any living creatures anywhere in the world that donât care about looks. I mean, even penguins are
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