Read Online Jennifer Johnson Is Sick of Being Married by Heather McElhatton - Free Book Online Page A

both attend any and all company functions, parties, picnics, and employee pep rallies. And since Horrible Todd Brockman holds the keys to Keller’s financial kingdom, we’ll befriend him as well.
    Joy.
    We’ll be disciplined and learn to live the way his parents want us to. We’ll have to work hard because Sarah has the upper hand right now. She’s older, she’s been working at the company longer, and she’s not a recovering alcoholic, like Brad is. “Also she has a kid, which is massive points for the grandparents.” Brad looks over at me and says, “Babe, we need a kid.”
    I melt. I smile at him and say, “I thought you’d never ask.” Then we head back upstairs and have sex for the rest of the night. Brad’s so excited and happy right now, I don’t have the heart to tell him that the whole plan to act like people we aren’t in order to dupe his parents into trusting us sounds a little evil. Every time I think I might mention it he gives me a long deep kiss and I see fiery stars. I’ve never been so happy.
    This must be how Eva Braun felt.

4
    Operation Hotdish
    T he perfect woman is actually three women rolled into one: Mrs. Howell, Mary Ann, and Ginger from Gilligan’s Island . Three women who when combined become the whole package. The refined lady, the demure sweetheart, and the sultry sex kitten, all in one. A woman who can bake coconut pies, charm cannibals, and cavort on white-sand beaches in six-inch stilettos.
    Simply put, the perfect woman is a sweet rich slut.
    Being a trophy wife is something I know nothing about. Yes, I have a wealthy husband, a beautiful house, three dozen matching wineglasses, and a legal cable connection . . . but how any of this happened is a mystery. I come from more of a Spam-and-spray-cheese set. My people polka. They drink Bud Light and spend more money on their snowmobiles than their life insurance, because as Lenny says, if you got one, you really don’t need the other.
    I turn to Christopher for help, because let’s face it, he knows more about being a woman than I do. I tell him about Operation Hotdish and Brad’s plan to become the perfect couple, and he’s 100 percent behind it. “This is the dream challenge of a gay bee’s lifetime!” he says. “To transform a plain lump-of-coal midwestern girl into a sparkling grande-dame diamond.”
    â€œI don’t know. I hate hair spray.”
    â€œFear not,” he says. “We will tame you, my little shrew.”
    â€œEasy on the shrew metaphors, Petruchio.”
    â€œWe’ll turn you into the bitchiest of bitchy divas. You’ll be magnificent! And just think, you already have the bitchy part down perfectly!”
    Top Ten Traits of a Trophy Wife
    Â Â 1. Gorgeous/sexy/big boobs/small waist
    Â Â 2. Is seen and not heard
    Â Â 3. Without too many opinions of her own
    Â Â 4. Skinny/loves working out
    Â Â 5. Always elegantly dressed and immaculately groomed, even when sick, sleeping, or giving birth
    Â Â 6. Elicits high-five signs from other men
    Â Â 7. Elicits true hatred from other women
    Â Â 8. Skilled in the domestic arts, or at least in delegating to maids
    Â Â 9. Appreciates fine wine, fast cars, and her husband’s Viagra prescription
    10. Sexually advanced: expert at oral/open to anal
    Â 
    We begin researching other attributes of the perfect trophy wife, skimming almost a dozen online articles, glancing over at least two advice columns, and mostly watching tens of hours of television, including such classic trophy-wife-centric shows as Desperate Housewives, Dallas, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and Falcon Crest . What we learn is: Every group has a different set of rules. One man’s trophy wife is another man’s white trash. For example:
    Top Ten Traits of a Hells Angels Trophy Wife
    Â Â 1. Big tits, tiny waist,