had. And now all she cared about was proving to her girls that she was not their father’s killer. Anything else, she didn’t give a toss.
Then she realized that she could no longer see Si in the crowds. Anxiety was suddenly gnawing at Lily’s innards. Lily had always thought Si was like one of those big spiders you see sometimes on your bedroom wall – so long as you could see where he was, you felt okay. Worried, but okay.But when Si slipped out of sight, you had to wonder now what the hell’s he up to? Si was all secrets and schemes. Freddy would be dangerous if he had half a brain, but at least he’d always come straight out with it. Si was the true danger.
She shouldn’t have come here. Becks had been right. She was aware of how shabby she looked, wearing ill-fitting borrowed clothes and shoes. She knew she’d been so long inside that she’d forgotten how to present herself to the world, how to behave. She knew she’d made a wrong move. She knew she’d have to pay for it, too.
She stood there, tears streaming down her cheeks, flinching from the look on Saz’s face, all twisted up with hatred, and her eyes came to rest on Nick O’Rourke’s face in the crowd – Leo’s best man, his best friend, his business partner. Dark hair, nearly black eyes with a hard, unforgiving expression in them. Tall and broad-shouldered and wearing a morning suit like he’d been born to it. He stared back at her, and very gently shook his head.
For God’s sake, his eyes said. What the fuck are you doing?
Lily bowed her head, defeated. She didn’t know what she was doing. That was a fact. Her own daughter had just assaulted her; she was cringing inside with hurt and horror. Saz hated her. She glanced up, looked at Oli. Against her dark hair, Oli’s face was blanched white. Her eyes were resting on her mother, but not with warmth. She was staring at Lily as she would at a deranged stranger, likely at any moment to freak out and inflict damage.
Lily thought miserably, That is exactly what I’ve done here. I’ve ruined Saz’s day, she’ll never forgive me now.
Not that there had been much chance of that anyway. But she had to try, didn’t she? Even if she’d got off to a disastrous start. Supposing she got the chance, after this?
Her eyes searched the crowds. She still couldn’t see Si. That was worrying. That was frightening.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said loudly, the words half choked with tears. ‘I shouldn’t have come. I’m sorry.’
And she turned and limped off, feeling their eyes boring into her back, feeling their hatred, feeling like shit.
11
‘So…how’d it go?’ asked Becks.
Lily looked up from the kitchen table and gave her friend a mirthless smile.
‘How does it look? ’ she asked bitterly. She had come back dirt-smeared, limping, sobbing her heart out. Talk about stupid questions! Seeing Becks’s recoil of hurt, she added: ‘Sorry.’
Lily dragged her hands over her head, rubbed at her tired, teary eyes. ‘Sorry, Becks. I shouldn’t take it out on you. It was a fucking disaster. And I’m sorry, I’ve ruined your bloody shoes too. I’ve ruined everything.’
Becks sat down opposite. She reached out and patted Lily’s hand. ‘Bugger the shoes,’ she said, unwrapping a new pack of gum. She popped it in her mouth. ‘Don’t matter a bit. They were only cheapies. But I told you you shouldn’t have gone.’
‘Oh, thanks a bunch for that, Becks,’ snarled Lily. Then she shook her hands in front of her face, clutched at her head. ‘Sorry, Becks. I’m sorry. I just had to see her, today of all days…Jesus, Becks, my own daughter’s wedding and I didn’t even know the damned thing was happening, how do you think that made me feel? Like a fucking reject, that’s how. Which is what I am. I’m a bloody pariah. They looked at me…shit, they all looked at me like I was unhinged. Like I was going to cut their throats or something. And the girls. My girls…’ Lily’s voice
Then she realized that she could no longer see Si in the crowds. Anxiety was suddenly gnawing at Lily’s innards. Lily had always thought Si was like one of those big spiders you see sometimes on your bedroom wall – so long as you could see where he was, you felt okay. Worried, but okay.But when Si slipped out of sight, you had to wonder now what the hell’s he up to? Si was all secrets and schemes. Freddy would be dangerous if he had half a brain, but at least he’d always come straight out with it. Si was the true danger.
She shouldn’t have come here. Becks had been right. She was aware of how shabby she looked, wearing ill-fitting borrowed clothes and shoes. She knew she’d been so long inside that she’d forgotten how to present herself to the world, how to behave. She knew she’d made a wrong move. She knew she’d have to pay for it, too.
She stood there, tears streaming down her cheeks, flinching from the look on Saz’s face, all twisted up with hatred, and her eyes came to rest on Nick O’Rourke’s face in the crowd – Leo’s best man, his best friend, his business partner. Dark hair, nearly black eyes with a hard, unforgiving expression in them. Tall and broad-shouldered and wearing a morning suit like he’d been born to it. He stared back at her, and very gently shook his head.
For God’s sake, his eyes said. What the fuck are you doing?
Lily bowed her head, defeated. She didn’t know what she was doing. That was a fact. Her own daughter had just assaulted her; she was cringing inside with hurt and horror. Saz hated her. She glanced up, looked at Oli. Against her dark hair, Oli’s face was blanched white. Her eyes were resting on her mother, but not with warmth. She was staring at Lily as she would at a deranged stranger, likely at any moment to freak out and inflict damage.
Lily thought miserably, That is exactly what I’ve done here. I’ve ruined Saz’s day, she’ll never forgive me now.
Not that there had been much chance of that anyway. But she had to try, didn’t she? Even if she’d got off to a disastrous start. Supposing she got the chance, after this?
Her eyes searched the crowds. She still couldn’t see Si. That was worrying. That was frightening.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said loudly, the words half choked with tears. ‘I shouldn’t have come. I’m sorry.’
And she turned and limped off, feeling their eyes boring into her back, feeling their hatred, feeling like shit.
11
‘So…how’d it go?’ asked Becks.
Lily looked up from the kitchen table and gave her friend a mirthless smile.
‘How does it look? ’ she asked bitterly. She had come back dirt-smeared, limping, sobbing her heart out. Talk about stupid questions! Seeing Becks’s recoil of hurt, she added: ‘Sorry.’
Lily dragged her hands over her head, rubbed at her tired, teary eyes. ‘Sorry, Becks. I shouldn’t take it out on you. It was a fucking disaster. And I’m sorry, I’ve ruined your bloody shoes too. I’ve ruined everything.’
Becks sat down opposite. She reached out and patted Lily’s hand. ‘Bugger the shoes,’ she said, unwrapping a new pack of gum. She popped it in her mouth. ‘Don’t matter a bit. They were only cheapies. But I told you you shouldn’t have gone.’
‘Oh, thanks a bunch for that, Becks,’ snarled Lily. Then she shook her hands in front of her face, clutched at her head. ‘Sorry, Becks. I’m sorry. I just had to see her, today of all days…Jesus, Becks, my own daughter’s wedding and I didn’t even know the damned thing was happening, how do you think that made me feel? Like a fucking reject, that’s how. Which is what I am. I’m a bloody pariah. They looked at me…shit, they all looked at me like I was unhinged. Like I was going to cut their throats or something. And the girls. My girls…’ Lily’s voice
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