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Authors: Steve Bluestein
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house. Dina comes over and I take HER to the airport. She takes my luggage and she's off to the warm, sunny beaches of Sydney. My plane leaves in three hours so I drive home and my other friend Bennet Yellin (writer of Dumb and Dumber) comes to my house and takes me to the airport. I get to the gate. The flight is cancelled. I call Bennet he comes back and gets me. But not to worry there is another flight leaving tomorrow "We'll get you on that one". The curse is starting.
Next day same routine...dogs to kennel... close up house...Bennet to airport. Bad weather. Curse. Now, Dina's in Sydney with MY luggage. My underwear is in Australia... I'm in LA. Next day... same routine... dogs, house, ride... over booked. Curse. This goes on for days until I realize that if I left now... I would arrive in Australia the day AFTER my birthday (because of the international dateline) and would miss my birthday all together. The curse thickens. I call Dina, who is staying with Judy... someone she does not know and I tell her I'm not coming and to enjoy the vacation she's having with my frequent flier miles. She can't talk... she's going to the beach! FUCK!
I go home. I get the dogs OUT of the kennel. I fill the house with food. I open the shutters and have myself a good sit on the pity pot. (This is the time I watched Schindler's List to try to cheer up). While I'm watching the movie the phone rings. It's a flight attendant in San Francisco she tells me the flight to Sydney is wide open if I can get to SFX I can make it out tonight. Adrenaline rush. The dogs go back to the kennel. I close up the house. I take the food and bring it next door. "Here take this. I beg you ... take me to the airport". They are eating dinner and get up from the table to take me.
We get to the airport; the line to SFX is out the door. They've had mechanical trouble and two planes did not take off; these are the people who didn't get on the earlier planes. I think. "How could all these people piss off my mother?" I'm desperate. I find a flight attendant... "Get me on that plane and I'll get you a free facelift." "Honey, you'll get on that plane if you have to go as luggage". The plane to Sydney leaves at 10 p.m., the plane from LAX lands at 8 p.m., we have plenty of time. Oh you'd think so, wouldn't you! We are held on the runway for one and a half hours. Curse. I land in SFX at 9:35. We land at gate 6, the flight to Sydney leaves from gate 96. So I run... run like I've never run before. I get to the gate three beats short of a heart attack... its 9:58. There are 14 standbys. I'm 14. They take 13 standbys and close the door. The stress of the last three days hits me. I start crying like a five year old who just lost his Dancing Elmo.
The counter rep, a huge, doe eyed, black woman sees me crying. She leans over the counter and puts her arms around me. I will never forget this act of love till the day I die. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not." she begins," You just flew up from LA, didn't you?" I nod through my tears. "Well, honey, there was a misconnect in LA. 138 people missed the plane. If you had stayed in LA, you would have been on your way to Sydney." And I instantly know that God did not want me in Australia on this birthday. "Ok, I'll get back to LA." We have closure. I turned around and the United Counter was dark, the American counter was dark, Continental, Delta...the entire airport was dark. No one was flying out of SFX that night. I was stuck in San Francisco. Curse...no wait...this is not a curse. San Fran is a great place to celebrate your birthday. I'll get a hotel room, I'll see a show, and I'll go out to dinner.
I start calling around for a hotel room but there appeared to be a gay horse breeder or a gay cow breeder or a gay goat breeder convention in town and there wasn't a single room available... not one. Not a Motel 6, not a Marriott, nothing! Now it's midnight and I'm wandering around SFX....
Next day same routine...dogs to kennel... close up house...Bennet to airport. Bad weather. Curse. Now, Dina's in Sydney with MY luggage. My underwear is in Australia... I'm in LA. Next day... same routine... dogs, house, ride... over booked. Curse. This goes on for days until I realize that if I left now... I would arrive in Australia the day AFTER my birthday (because of the international dateline) and would miss my birthday all together. The curse thickens. I call Dina, who is staying with Judy... someone she does not know and I tell her I'm not coming and to enjoy the vacation she's having with my frequent flier miles. She can't talk... she's going to the beach! FUCK!
I go home. I get the dogs OUT of the kennel. I fill the house with food. I open the shutters and have myself a good sit on the pity pot. (This is the time I watched Schindler's List to try to cheer up). While I'm watching the movie the phone rings. It's a flight attendant in San Francisco she tells me the flight to Sydney is wide open if I can get to SFX I can make it out tonight. Adrenaline rush. The dogs go back to the kennel. I close up the house. I take the food and bring it next door. "Here take this. I beg you ... take me to the airport". They are eating dinner and get up from the table to take me.
We get to the airport; the line to SFX is out the door. They've had mechanical trouble and two planes did not take off; these are the people who didn't get on the earlier planes. I think. "How could all these people piss off my mother?" I'm desperate. I find a flight attendant... "Get me on that plane and I'll get you a free facelift." "Honey, you'll get on that plane if you have to go as luggage". The plane to Sydney leaves at 10 p.m., the plane from LAX lands at 8 p.m., we have plenty of time. Oh you'd think so, wouldn't you! We are held on the runway for one and a half hours. Curse. I land in SFX at 9:35. We land at gate 6, the flight to Sydney leaves from gate 96. So I run... run like I've never run before. I get to the gate three beats short of a heart attack... its 9:58. There are 14 standbys. I'm 14. They take 13 standbys and close the door. The stress of the last three days hits me. I start crying like a five year old who just lost his Dancing Elmo.
The counter rep, a huge, doe eyed, black woman sees me crying. She leans over the counter and puts her arms around me. I will never forget this act of love till the day I die. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not." she begins," You just flew up from LA, didn't you?" I nod through my tears. "Well, honey, there was a misconnect in LA. 138 people missed the plane. If you had stayed in LA, you would have been on your way to Sydney." And I instantly know that God did not want me in Australia on this birthday. "Ok, I'll get back to LA." We have closure. I turned around and the United Counter was dark, the American counter was dark, Continental, Delta...the entire airport was dark. No one was flying out of SFX that night. I was stuck in San Francisco. Curse...no wait...this is not a curse. San Fran is a great place to celebrate your birthday. I'll get a hotel room, I'll see a show, and I'll go out to dinner.
I start calling around for a hotel room but there appeared to be a gay horse breeder or a gay cow breeder or a gay goat breeder convention in town and there wasn't a single room available... not one. Not a Motel 6, not a Marriott, nothing! Now it's midnight and I'm wandering around SFX....
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