Read Online Island of the Sequined Love Nun by Christopher Moore - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Christopher Moore
Tags: Humor
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clouds rose out of the sea into shining columns. Tuck scanned the horizon for a ship.
"Is the Micro Trader in yet?"
"Been in and gone," Frick said. "She'll be back around in six weeks or so."
"Dammit," Tuck said. "I can't fucking believe it. I need to get to Alualu."
"Why'd you want to go out there?"
"I'm a pilot. I'm supposed to be flying for a missionary out there."
"Boys and I were out there in the patrol boat last week. Godforsaken place."
Tuck lit up at the mention of the patrol boat. Maybe he could catch a ride. "You have a patrol boat?"
"Seventy-footer. Some of the boys are out with it now, tuna fishin' with the CIA. Don't mention it, though. Secret, you know."
"What's the CIA doing down here?"
Frick raised a blond eyebrow. "Keepin' an eye on the Yapese Navy."
"I thought you were doing that."
"Well, I am, ain't I? And when they come back, it's my turn to go fishin'. Lovely, us bein' allies and all. Cuts the work in half. Want to suck some piss?"
"Pardon?" Tuck wasn't ready for any kind of bizarre native customs.
"Drink some beers, mate. If you keep an eye on the Yappies, I'll run down to the store and grab some beers."
"Sounds good." Tuck was ready to take the edge off his headache. Besides, there was still a chance for a ride out to the island.
Frick put his hat on Tuck's head. "Right then. By the power invested in me by the Australian Royal Navy, et cetera, et cetera, I hereby deputize you as official intelligence officer until I get back. Do you swear?"
"Swear what?"
"Just swear."
"Sure."
"There it is." Frick started walking off.
"What do I do if they make a move?"
"How the bloody hell should I know?"
Tuck watched the Yapese Navy for an hour before they all stood up and left the boat. He was pretty sure that this did not constitute a defense emergency, but just in case he decided to walk up the street to see what had happened to Frick. The pack felt even heavier now, and he guessed that it was the responsibility for Australian people that weighed him down. (A woman had once offered Tucker a goldfish in a bowl, and Tuck had graciously declined it on the basis that it was too much responsibility and would probably die anyway. He felt the same way about the Australians.)
The concrete streets of Colonia were bleached white and stained with three-foot red strips of betel nut spit on either side and lined with thick jungle vegetation. Off the streets Tuck could see tin hovels, children playing in the mud, women passing the hottest part of the day combing lice from each other's hair in the shade of a tinroofed porch. The women wore wraparound skirts, black with brightly colored stripes, and went topless. AU but the youngest of them were enormously fat by Western standards, and Tuck felt his idealized picture of the beautiful island girls fade to a lice-infested, rotund reality. Still, there was something in their gentle grooming and in the quiet concentration of the children that made him feel sad and a little lonely. If only he could run into a woman he could talk to. A Western woman-she wouldn't have to know he was a eunuch.
He broke out of the jungle into the open street of Colonia's main "business district." On one side was a manna with a restaurant and bar (or so the sign said), on the other a two-story, stucco minimall of shops and snack bars. Around it, in the shade of the modern portico, stood perhaps a hundred Yapese, mostly women, some young men in bright blue loincloths, all shirtless. The islanders all had bright red lips and teeth from chewing betel nut. Even the little children were chewing the narcotic cud and spitting periodically into the street. Tuck walked in among them, hoping to find someone to ask about Frick's whereabouts, but none made eye contact. The women and girls turned their backs to him. The men just looked away or pretended to pay attention to sprinkling powdered coral on to a split green betel nut before beginning a chew.
He went into a surprisingly modern grocery
"Is the Micro Trader in yet?"
"Been in and gone," Frick said. "She'll be back around in six weeks or so."
"Dammit," Tuck said. "I can't fucking believe it. I need to get to Alualu."
"Why'd you want to go out there?"
"I'm a pilot. I'm supposed to be flying for a missionary out there."
"Boys and I were out there in the patrol boat last week. Godforsaken place."
Tuck lit up at the mention of the patrol boat. Maybe he could catch a ride. "You have a patrol boat?"
"Seventy-footer. Some of the boys are out with it now, tuna fishin' with the CIA. Don't mention it, though. Secret, you know."
"What's the CIA doing down here?"
Frick raised a blond eyebrow. "Keepin' an eye on the Yapese Navy."
"I thought you were doing that."
"Well, I am, ain't I? And when they come back, it's my turn to go fishin'. Lovely, us bein' allies and all. Cuts the work in half. Want to suck some piss?"
"Pardon?" Tuck wasn't ready for any kind of bizarre native customs.
"Drink some beers, mate. If you keep an eye on the Yappies, I'll run down to the store and grab some beers."
"Sounds good." Tuck was ready to take the edge off his headache. Besides, there was still a chance for a ride out to the island.
Frick put his hat on Tuck's head. "Right then. By the power invested in me by the Australian Royal Navy, et cetera, et cetera, I hereby deputize you as official intelligence officer until I get back. Do you swear?"
"Swear what?"
"Just swear."
"Sure."
"There it is." Frick started walking off.
"What do I do if they make a move?"
"How the bloody hell should I know?"
Tuck watched the Yapese Navy for an hour before they all stood up and left the boat. He was pretty sure that this did not constitute a defense emergency, but just in case he decided to walk up the street to see what had happened to Frick. The pack felt even heavier now, and he guessed that it was the responsibility for Australian people that weighed him down. (A woman had once offered Tucker a goldfish in a bowl, and Tuck had graciously declined it on the basis that it was too much responsibility and would probably die anyway. He felt the same way about the Australians.)
The concrete streets of Colonia were bleached white and stained with three-foot red strips of betel nut spit on either side and lined with thick jungle vegetation. Off the streets Tuck could see tin hovels, children playing in the mud, women passing the hottest part of the day combing lice from each other's hair in the shade of a tinroofed porch. The women wore wraparound skirts, black with brightly colored stripes, and went topless. AU but the youngest of them were enormously fat by Western standards, and Tuck felt his idealized picture of the beautiful island girls fade to a lice-infested, rotund reality. Still, there was something in their gentle grooming and in the quiet concentration of the children that made him feel sad and a little lonely. If only he could run into a woman he could talk to. A Western woman-she wouldn't have to know he was a eunuch.
He broke out of the jungle into the open street of Colonia's main "business district." On one side was a manna with a restaurant and bar (or so the sign said), on the other a two-story, stucco minimall of shops and snack bars. Around it, in the shade of the modern portico, stood perhaps a hundred Yapese, mostly women, some young men in bright blue loincloths, all shirtless. The islanders all had bright red lips and teeth from chewing betel nut. Even the little children were chewing the narcotic cud and spitting periodically into the street. Tuck walked in among them, hoping to find someone to ask about Frick's whereabouts, but none made eye contact. The women and girls turned their backs to him. The men just looked away or pretended to pay attention to sprinkling powdered coral on to a split green betel nut before beginning a chew.
He went into a surprisingly modern grocery
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