Read Online Intentions by Deborah Heiligman - Free Book Online Page B

problem. His heart burst in his chest. It was not an act of God. It was faulty plumbing.” As hard as it was for me to hear this horrible detail that no one else had told me (my grandfather’s heart burst in his chest?), it was also sort of reassuring. God hadn’t killed him. But thinking back on this, I wonder if he wasn’t wrong to say that to me. Was it his to tell?
    “And Grandma?” I’d asked.
    “Your poor grandmother. She loved your grandfather so much. They had a real love story. Did you know that?”
    “Sort of.” I knew that they met right after the Holocaust, when Grandpa came to this country. Grandpa was eighteen or so. Grandma was really young, not quite sixteen. My age.
    “They did. They were each other’s first and only loves. He died so suddenly, so unexpectedly, I’m surprised it didn’t kill—no, I won’t say that. But, Rachel, as tragic as it is for your grandmother, I envy them their love story.”
    Why would he envy them their love story? Wasn’t he happy with his wife? I wondered.
    “Still, believe me, I don’t envy her the torturous grief she has now. Poor, poor lady. If I believed in a God that would do that to her, Rachel, I wouldn’t, couldn’t, be a rabbi.”
    I stared at him.
    “I couldn’t even be a believing Jew.”
    “So, what … How do I … I’m not even sure I know what to ask.”
    “Where does God fit in to all of this, and where do you fit in to all of this?”
    “I guess so.”
    “I think there are many answers to that question, and also only one. Remember the story of Rabbi Hillel and the pagan? When the pagan challenges Rabbi Hillel to tell him everything about Judaism while standing on one foot, Hillel says, “ ‘What is hateful to you, do not do to others; all the rest is commentary.’ ”
    I nodded. He was in full-fledged preaching-rabbi mode now.
    “Hillel then said, ‘Now go and study.’ And I would say to you, ‘Now go to work.’ ”
    “Huh?”
    “Your grandmother needs your love and your attention. She needs you to spend time with her. Keep her company. Love her. Isn’t that what you would want someone to do for you if you were grief-stricken?”
    “Yes.” Yes.
    “And you know about tikkun olam , right?”
    I nodded. “Repairing the world.”
    “The world is broken,” he said. “It’s not a perfect place. So it is everyone’s duty to help fix it, Rachel. I believe the best way to do so is one person at a time, even one act at a time.”
    I took the ice pack off my knee.
    “So is that what God wants me to do?” I asked the rabbi. “To help repair the world by loving my grandmother?”
    “Is that what you think? That’s what’s important—what you think.”
    I knew it was. I resolved to spend more time with Grandma, to love her up so she would come back to herself.
    The rabbi helped me hang up all the streamers and arrange the tables. By the time we left, the room looked perfect.
    Now, a year later, my grandmother is a colossal mess, even though I spent tons of time with her.
    Alexis is a creature from another planet.
    My parents are on the brink of divorce.
    And the rabbi fucked someone on the bima .
    The bus driver calls out my stop. I am right in front of Union Elementary School. I look at the building, take a step toward it. And then I turn around and walk in the opposite direction.

CHAPTER 12
    UNION
    I walk down the street away from the school, away from Morrison’s and the Red Eagle Diner. I am walking fast, not thinking about where I’m going. Soon I find myself on a block lined with row houses and small apartment buildings. I have never been in this neighborhood before. There are a whole lot more people outside in the middle of the day than there would be on my block. There’s a lady sweeping her porch; she’s got Spanish pop music playing. There are two guys working on a car engine. And another guy sitting on a step drinking a can of beer. “Chica!” he says to me as I pass. I nod, walk quickly by. I feel