much.”
Now I’m crying. I don’t know if the emotion is relief or joy. I think it’s a mixture of both.
We enjoy a lovely dinner and great conversation. It’s so much fun to hear all the stories Cindy and Bill share about their children growing up. Jeremy has already told me most of them, but it’s interesting hearing his parents tell them from a different perspective.
We leave reluctantly after we all say our good-byes. Once we get in the car, I put my head on Jeremy’s shoulder and say, “You were right.”
July
Jeremy
I’m going to propose to Mattie. As I close my eyes and imagine it, a warm, peaceful feeling spreads throughout my body. I picture Mattie and me married, with children. Lots of children. The thought of it puts a huge smile on my face. Mattie will make a great mom. She’s everything a child would want—gentle, kind, and loving. She’s beautiful inside and out.
I want a lifetime with Mattie. I love her more than I thought was humanly possible. I thought I would be nervous about making a commitment like this. I’m not—I’m just damn excited.
I think about how different my life would have been without her. I’d probably still be working myself into an early grave. I knew I needed to change, not only for Mattie, but for myself.
Now that I look back, it has become clear to me why I put so much into my career. Mattie has helped me to see things for what they really are. I was unaware that I was using work and success to fill a void, a remnant from my childhood that hadn’t been resolved. Littledid I know that the success I achieved was actually preventing me from moving forward. I was stuck in my old habit—trying to show the world that I was worthy.
I used my accomplishments to prove to myself that my birth mother gave up something valuable. The rational part of my brain knows that my mom did what she thought was best for me. I doubt myself sometimes. Did I do something wrong? Did I demand too much from her? What made her finally decide to give me away? Did she ever think about me before she died?
I don’t remember very much about her. The last, hazy memory I have is of her crying. Was she sad, regretful, or guilty? Have I been trying to prove that it was a mistake for her to give me away? That I was worth keeping? I have shoved these feeling down for as long as I can remember.
I know my questions will never be answered. With Mattie in my life, the questions aren’t as important to me as they once were. I have accepted my life for what it is. I have everything I need now; I am looking forward to the future. The old void in my heart is gone; it’s replaced with Mattie’s love and acceptance.
I enter the jewelry store with determination. I am going to find Mattie the perfect ring. I have made an appointment in advance, so they are all ready for me. They’ve already set out ten of the most dazzling rings I’ve ever seen.
I’ve given them my price range, so I think I’m looking at the best of what they have to offer. There’s only one thing wrong: these rings are too big. I know when it comes to engagement rings, you usually can’t go wrong with large, but Mattie isn’t like that. No, she would feel awkward with a huge ring.
I ask the salesclerk for more choices. I think I’ve startled him, because he looks confused. “Did you not want to see the best, sir?”
I smile. “Yes, I do. Does that necessary mean the biggest? Do you have anything that is a little more understated?”
His eyes brighten for a moment. “Ah, I think I know what you’re talking about. I have a ring in back that I think might fit your requirements.”
He rushes off to the back of the store. I hope he doesn’t bring back another gaudy ring. It needs to be classically beautiful, just like Mattie.
He returns a few minutes later with a knowing grin on his face. He holds out a black-velvet box and opens the lid. I exhale loudly; I didn’t even know I was holding my breath. The ring is perfection.
Now I’m crying. I don’t know if the emotion is relief or joy. I think it’s a mixture of both.
We enjoy a lovely dinner and great conversation. It’s so much fun to hear all the stories Cindy and Bill share about their children growing up. Jeremy has already told me most of them, but it’s interesting hearing his parents tell them from a different perspective.
We leave reluctantly after we all say our good-byes. Once we get in the car, I put my head on Jeremy’s shoulder and say, “You were right.”
July
Jeremy
I’m going to propose to Mattie. As I close my eyes and imagine it, a warm, peaceful feeling spreads throughout my body. I picture Mattie and me married, with children. Lots of children. The thought of it puts a huge smile on my face. Mattie will make a great mom. She’s everything a child would want—gentle, kind, and loving. She’s beautiful inside and out.
I want a lifetime with Mattie. I love her more than I thought was humanly possible. I thought I would be nervous about making a commitment like this. I’m not—I’m just damn excited.
I think about how different my life would have been without her. I’d probably still be working myself into an early grave. I knew I needed to change, not only for Mattie, but for myself.
Now that I look back, it has become clear to me why I put so much into my career. Mattie has helped me to see things for what they really are. I was unaware that I was using work and success to fill a void, a remnant from my childhood that hadn’t been resolved. Littledid I know that the success I achieved was actually preventing me from moving forward. I was stuck in my old habit—trying to show the world that I was worthy.
I used my accomplishments to prove to myself that my birth mother gave up something valuable. The rational part of my brain knows that my mom did what she thought was best for me. I doubt myself sometimes. Did I do something wrong? Did I demand too much from her? What made her finally decide to give me away? Did she ever think about me before she died?
I don’t remember very much about her. The last, hazy memory I have is of her crying. Was she sad, regretful, or guilty? Have I been trying to prove that it was a mistake for her to give me away? That I was worth keeping? I have shoved these feeling down for as long as I can remember.
I know my questions will never be answered. With Mattie in my life, the questions aren’t as important to me as they once were. I have accepted my life for what it is. I have everything I need now; I am looking forward to the future. The old void in my heart is gone; it’s replaced with Mattie’s love and acceptance.
I enter the jewelry store with determination. I am going to find Mattie the perfect ring. I have made an appointment in advance, so they are all ready for me. They’ve already set out ten of the most dazzling rings I’ve ever seen.
I’ve given them my price range, so I think I’m looking at the best of what they have to offer. There’s only one thing wrong: these rings are too big. I know when it comes to engagement rings, you usually can’t go wrong with large, but Mattie isn’t like that. No, she would feel awkward with a huge ring.
I ask the salesclerk for more choices. I think I’ve startled him, because he looks confused. “Did you not want to see the best, sir?”
I smile. “Yes, I do. Does that necessary mean the biggest? Do you have anything that is a little more understated?”
His eyes brighten for a moment. “Ah, I think I know what you’re talking about. I have a ring in back that I think might fit your requirements.”
He rushes off to the back of the store. I hope he doesn’t bring back another gaudy ring. It needs to be classically beautiful, just like Mattie.
He returns a few minutes later with a knowing grin on his face. He holds out a black-velvet box and opens the lid. I exhale loudly; I didn’t even know I was holding my breath. The ring is perfection.
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