Read Online Inside Madeleine by Paula Bomer - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Paula Bomer
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conductor had been kind enough, like the waiters at the Plaza, to serve her even though she was clearly underage. She had been slowly polishing off a bottle of red wine and she felt warm and woozy. Her thoughts, drunkenly floating through her mind, were of deep significance. It was a twenty-four hour ride to South Bend, and she was more than halfway there, theMidwestern land flat and straight around her. Her once perfectly curled bangs hung limply over her eyes.
White Trash
. She would never have a mane of hair to toss over her shoulder. She would never have a lot of things, she would never
be
many things—but she wasn’t the same person she was a few months ago, no matter what anyone said.
The night before she left, she had persuaded Alicia to get high with her. Alicia had never been high. They sat on the top bunk, Ruthie’s bed, and Ruthie schooled her on how to use the bong, how to use the hit towel. Ruthie explained how sometimes, the first time you get high, you don’t feel it, that you had to try and feel it and then you’d see. Alicia said, “I don’t feel it.”
Ruthie said, “Take another hit,” and Alicia did, her face all concentration, all hard work, the same as she’d looked over her desk all fall.
Ruthie was high, but she was always high these days. It wasn’t very special. Watching Alicia get high for the first time was new, exciting even. “You’re feeling it now, I can tell.” Ruthie wrung her hands in anticipation.
Ruthie looked at Alicia. She hadn’t made one friend at Lyndon that fall. She was the saddest person Ruthie had ever met. “Wow,” Alicia said, her voice coming out in that marijuana-induced whisper. She leaned into Ruthie.
“I can see your shadow.”
This startled Ruthie. She didn’t want anyone seeing her shadow. She didn’t want to have a shadow. Without realizing what she was doing, she slapped Alicia.
Alicia slapped her back, harder, and then climbed down fromRuthie’s bunk. The two girls lay there in the narrow beds, hearts pounding. Ruthie felt as though she could feel the vibration of Alicia’s lifeblood coming up through the metal frame. Eventually, they fell asleep.
• cleveland circle house •
M ARY HAD GROWN UP IN A HOUSE WHERE HER FATHER LOVED HER BECAUSE HE THOUGHT SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL AND BRILLIANT, AND HER MOTHER DESPISED HER FOR THE SAME QUALITIES . In truth, she was neither beautiful nor brilliant. She was an awkward girl, with a long torso and short legs, prone to nervousness, whose chin dropped too far down her neck. And although she was a hard worker, she never achieved better than slightly above average grades. She’d only been accepted to one college. But her father insisted on being proud of her, regardless. She was going off to college, in Boston. This was more than he had ever done.
It was 1986. At the very beginning of her freshman year at Boston University, she declared her major in psychology. This was partly due to her attachment to Larissa, a dark-haired, zaftig girl she met in Introduction to Psychology 101. Larissa had read Freud and Jung. Larissa impressed Mary immensely. The two girls decided that summer that they would get an apartment together in Allston and get jobs.Mary called her father a week before she was to move into the apartment.
“Dad, I’m getting an apartment with a friend. We’ll get jobs this summer and then stay in it the following year, during the school year.”
“Is that allowed?”
“Of course, Dad.”
“You’re not coming home this summer? I’ll miss you so much.”
“This is the right thing to do, Dad. I’m going to try and get a job in my field, in psychology,” Mary said, not knowing at all what that meant. “It’s a good opportunity.”
“I’ll buy you a car,” he said, quietly. “I’ll buy you a car if you come home.”
“Oh, Dad,” Mary’s face went hot. “I’m not coming home.”
She’d been home at Christmas. She’d been looking forward to it and then was immediately
White Trash
. She would never have a mane of hair to toss over her shoulder. She would never have a lot of things, she would never
be
many things—but she wasn’t the same person she was a few months ago, no matter what anyone said.
The night before she left, she had persuaded Alicia to get high with her. Alicia had never been high. They sat on the top bunk, Ruthie’s bed, and Ruthie schooled her on how to use the bong, how to use the hit towel. Ruthie explained how sometimes, the first time you get high, you don’t feel it, that you had to try and feel it and then you’d see. Alicia said, “I don’t feel it.”
Ruthie said, “Take another hit,” and Alicia did, her face all concentration, all hard work, the same as she’d looked over her desk all fall.
Ruthie was high, but she was always high these days. It wasn’t very special. Watching Alicia get high for the first time was new, exciting even. “You’re feeling it now, I can tell.” Ruthie wrung her hands in anticipation.
Ruthie looked at Alicia. She hadn’t made one friend at Lyndon that fall. She was the saddest person Ruthie had ever met. “Wow,” Alicia said, her voice coming out in that marijuana-induced whisper. She leaned into Ruthie.
“I can see your shadow.”
This startled Ruthie. She didn’t want anyone seeing her shadow. She didn’t want to have a shadow. Without realizing what she was doing, she slapped Alicia.
Alicia slapped her back, harder, and then climbed down fromRuthie’s bunk. The two girls lay there in the narrow beds, hearts pounding. Ruthie felt as though she could feel the vibration of Alicia’s lifeblood coming up through the metal frame. Eventually, they fell asleep.
• cleveland circle house •
M ARY HAD GROWN UP IN A HOUSE WHERE HER FATHER LOVED HER BECAUSE HE THOUGHT SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL AND BRILLIANT, AND HER MOTHER DESPISED HER FOR THE SAME QUALITIES . In truth, she was neither beautiful nor brilliant. She was an awkward girl, with a long torso and short legs, prone to nervousness, whose chin dropped too far down her neck. And although she was a hard worker, she never achieved better than slightly above average grades. She’d only been accepted to one college. But her father insisted on being proud of her, regardless. She was going off to college, in Boston. This was more than he had ever done.
It was 1986. At the very beginning of her freshman year at Boston University, she declared her major in psychology. This was partly due to her attachment to Larissa, a dark-haired, zaftig girl she met in Introduction to Psychology 101. Larissa had read Freud and Jung. Larissa impressed Mary immensely. The two girls decided that summer that they would get an apartment together in Allston and get jobs.Mary called her father a week before she was to move into the apartment.
“Dad, I’m getting an apartment with a friend. We’ll get jobs this summer and then stay in it the following year, during the school year.”
“Is that allowed?”
“Of course, Dad.”
“You’re not coming home this summer? I’ll miss you so much.”
“This is the right thing to do, Dad. I’m going to try and get a job in my field, in psychology,” Mary said, not knowing at all what that meant. “It’s a good opportunity.”
“I’ll buy you a car,” he said, quietly. “I’ll buy you a car if you come home.”
“Oh, Dad,” Mary’s face went hot. “I’m not coming home.”
She’d been home at Christmas. She’d been looking forward to it and then was immediately
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