Read Online Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace - Free Book Online
Authors: David Foster Wallace
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aloud.
O.E.D.
Condensed Volume Six page 1387 column twelve and a little bit of thirteen.’
‘Good lord she didn’t exaggerate did she?’
‘I tend to get beat up, sometimes, at the Academy, for stuff like that. Does this
bear on why I’m here? That I’m a continentally ranked junior tennis player who can
also recite great chunks of the dictionary, verbatim, at will, and tends to get beat
up, and wears a bow tie? Are you like a specialist for gifted kids? Does this mean
they think I’m gifted?’
SPFFFT. ‘Here you are. Drink up.’
‘Thanks. SHULGSHULGSPAHHH… Whew. Ah.’
‘You
were
thirsty.’
‘So then if I sit down you’ll fill me in?’
‘… professional conversationalist knows his mucous membranes, after all.’
‘I might have to burp a little bit in a second, from the soda. I’m alerting you ahead
of time.’
‘Hal, you are here because I am a professional conversationalist, and your father
has made an appointment with me, for you, to converse.’
‘MYURP. Excuse me.’
Tap tap tap tap.
‘SHULGSPAHHH.’
Tap
tap tap tap.
‘You’re a professional conversationalist?’
‘I am, yes, as I believe I just stated, a professional conversationalist.’
‘Don’t start looking at your watch, as if I’m taking up valuable time of yours. If
Himself made the appointment and paid for it the time’s supposed to be mine, right?
Not yours. And then but what’s that supposed to mean, “professional conversationalist”?
A conversationalist is just one who converses much. You actually charge a fee to converse
much?’
‘A conversationalist is also one who, I’m sure you’ll recall, “excels in conversation.”
’
‘That’s
Webster’s Seventh
. That’s not the
O.E.D.
’
Tap tap.
‘I’m an
O.E.D.
man, Doctor. If that’s what you are. Are you a doctor? Do you have a doctorate? Most
people like to put their diplomas up, I notice, if they have credentials. And
Webster’s Seventh
isn’t even up-to-date.
Webster’s Eighth
amends to “one who converses with much enthusiasm.” ’
‘Another Seven-Up?’
‘Is Himself still having this hallucination I never speak? Is that why he put the
Moms up to having me bike up here? Himself is my dad. We call him Himself. As in quote
“the man Himself.” As it were. We call my mother the Moms. My brother coined the term.
I understand this isn’t unusual. I understand most more or less normal families address
each other internally by means of pet names and terms and monikers. Don’t even think
about asking me what my little internal moniker is.’
Tap tap tap.
‘But Himself hallucinates, sometimes, lately, you ought to be apprised, was the thrust.
I’m wondering why the Moms let him send me pedalling up here uphill against the wind
when I’ve got a challenge match at 3:00 to converse with an enthusiast with a blank
door and no diplomas anywhere in view.’
‘I, in my small way, would like to think it had as much to do with me as with you.
That my reputation preceded me.’
‘Isn’t that usually a pejorative clause?’
‘I am wonderful fun to talk to. I’m a consummate professional. People leave my parlor
in states. You are here. It’s conversation-time. Shall we discuss Byzantine erotica?’
‘How did you know I was interested in Byzantine erotica?’
‘You seem persistently to confuse me with someone who merely hangs out a shingle with
the word
Conversationalist
on it, and this operation with a fly-by-night one strung together with chewing gum
and twine. You think I have no support staff? Researchers at my beck? You think we
don’t delve full-bore into the psyches of those for whom we’ve made appointments to
converse? You don’t think this fully accredited limited partnership would have an
interest in obtaining data on what informs and stimulates our conversees?’
‘I know only one person who’d ever use
full-bore
in casual conversation.’
‘There is
O.E.D.
Condensed Volume Six page 1387 column twelve and a little bit of thirteen.’
‘Good lord she didn’t exaggerate did she?’
‘I tend to get beat up, sometimes, at the Academy, for stuff like that. Does this
bear on why I’m here? That I’m a continentally ranked junior tennis player who can
also recite great chunks of the dictionary, verbatim, at will, and tends to get beat
up, and wears a bow tie? Are you like a specialist for gifted kids? Does this mean
they think I’m gifted?’
SPFFFT. ‘Here you are. Drink up.’
‘Thanks. SHULGSHULGSPAHHH… Whew. Ah.’
‘You
were
thirsty.’
‘So then if I sit down you’ll fill me in?’
‘… professional conversationalist knows his mucous membranes, after all.’
‘I might have to burp a little bit in a second, from the soda. I’m alerting you ahead
of time.’
‘Hal, you are here because I am a professional conversationalist, and your father
has made an appointment with me, for you, to converse.’
‘MYURP. Excuse me.’
Tap tap tap tap.
‘SHULGSPAHHH.’
Tap
tap tap tap.
‘You’re a professional conversationalist?’
‘I am, yes, as I believe I just stated, a professional conversationalist.’
‘Don’t start looking at your watch, as if I’m taking up valuable time of yours. If
Himself made the appointment and paid for it the time’s supposed to be mine, right?
Not yours. And then but what’s that supposed to mean, “professional conversationalist”?
A conversationalist is just one who converses much. You actually charge a fee to converse
much?’
‘A conversationalist is also one who, I’m sure you’ll recall, “excels in conversation.”
’
‘That’s
Webster’s Seventh
. That’s not the
O.E.D.
’
Tap tap.
‘I’m an
O.E.D.
man, Doctor. If that’s what you are. Are you a doctor? Do you have a doctorate? Most
people like to put their diplomas up, I notice, if they have credentials. And
Webster’s Seventh
isn’t even up-to-date.
Webster’s Eighth
amends to “one who converses with much enthusiasm.” ’
‘Another Seven-Up?’
‘Is Himself still having this hallucination I never speak? Is that why he put the
Moms up to having me bike up here? Himself is my dad. We call him Himself. As in quote
“the man Himself.” As it were. We call my mother the Moms. My brother coined the term.
I understand this isn’t unusual. I understand most more or less normal families address
each other internally by means of pet names and terms and monikers. Don’t even think
about asking me what my little internal moniker is.’
Tap tap tap.
‘But Himself hallucinates, sometimes, lately, you ought to be apprised, was the thrust.
I’m wondering why the Moms let him send me pedalling up here uphill against the wind
when I’ve got a challenge match at 3:00 to converse with an enthusiast with a blank
door and no diplomas anywhere in view.’
‘I, in my small way, would like to think it had as much to do with me as with you.
That my reputation preceded me.’
‘Isn’t that usually a pejorative clause?’
‘I am wonderful fun to talk to. I’m a consummate professional. People leave my parlor
in states. You are here. It’s conversation-time. Shall we discuss Byzantine erotica?’
‘How did you know I was interested in Byzantine erotica?’
‘You seem persistently to confuse me with someone who merely hangs out a shingle with
the word
Conversationalist
on it, and this operation with a fly-by-night one strung together with chewing gum
and twine. You think I have no support staff? Researchers at my beck? You think we
don’t delve full-bore into the psyches of those for whom we’ve made appointments to
converse? You don’t think this fully accredited limited partnership would have an
interest in obtaining data on what informs and stimulates our conversees?’
‘I know only one person who’d ever use
full-bore
in casual conversation.’
‘There is
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