Read Online IMPULSE: Companion to The PULSE Series by Deborah Bladon - Free Book Online
Authors: Deborah Bladon
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place where she would completely shut down on me.
She nods, her gaze still cast forward. "I just needed some time to cool down."
It's more than she would have given me a few months ago. I take it. I fucking embrace it. "I was out of line, Jessica."
"You were an asshole." The corner of her mouth snaps up in a small grin. She offers me the soft baked pretzel she's holding in her hand.
I pull off a piece before popping it into my mouth. I knew she'd be here the moment the head chef at the restaurant told me her shift was done. It's the place she always comes to when she needs to think. "You're right." I pull off another piece. "I'm fucking starving."
"You always say that." Her head turns towards me. "You eat a lot."
"Lucky for me you're an amazing chef." My tone is light and cheerful. I'm not trying to mask the depth of what happened last night. I'm trying to find a spot where she'll let me back in. I want her to know that I didn't fucking mean what I said.
She reaches up to scratch her fingers along the side of her face. "I wish you would have been my first."
The words tear through me with more strength than I can bear. My heart jumps in my chest. I have to pull my finger across my brow to temper the heavy onslaught of emotions I'm feeling. "Jessica."
"You don't have to say you wish I was your first." She bites her bottom lip. "I'm not looking for that."
I know she's not. I also know that she's well aware that if I could change anything about my past, before I met her, I would. I was aimlessly searching for something within all those women. Every encounter I had was more vacant and empty than the one before it. I was on autopilot, fucking a new woman almost every week, just to satiate the empty pit that was inside of me. It only grew larger until Jessica walked into the club. "I know, Jessica," I say the words to quiet my own emotions. I know she accepts me exactly as I am. She's overlooked so much bullshit for me. Why the fuck am I making such a huge deal over a man she slept with so long ago?
"Sasha told me she talked to you about him." She hands me the remaining piece of pretzel. "She told you that I kissed Thomas."
I nod. "She did."
"That’s not what happened." She sighs heavily. "He kissed me when I walked out of the kitchen. I thought you were there to see me."
"Me?"
"Sasha came to the back and said that a gorgeous man in a suit wanted to talk to me." Her hand taps my leg. "You're the only gorgeous man in a suit I want to talk to."
I feel sudden elation at the words. I don't need confirmation that Jessica loves me. I see it every day when I wake up next to her. I feel it in her kiss and in the way she holds my hand. "I like being that guy. I want to always be that guy."
"I made so many mistakes, Nathan." Her hand reaches for mine. "I wish I could redo parts of my life."
I hold her hand tightly in mine as people rush past us, oblivious of the weight of the conversation we're having. "I have that same wish, Jessica. I think most people do."
"Maybe." She glances at me. "It's different for me."
"Why?" I squeeze her hand, encouraging her to let it out. I want her to confess. I want her to crack open and let everything out that she's been holding tightly to.
"I was so young." She shakes her head. "I thought I knew everything about love back then."
Love. It's the first time that word has popped up when she's been talking about Thomas. "Did you love him?"
Her gaze catches mine for a brief moment. I see the confusion in her brow. She pushes her hair back from her face before she responds, "Who?"
I take more comfort in her response than I should. I'm certain that she's just confused if I'm talking about Thomas or Josh. Right now, I don't give a shit. I want the only man who has ever owned her heart to be me. I'm greedy like that. I want that to be our reality even if it's completely unrealistic. "Thomas," I answer because I have to. I can't stall this conversation because of my own insecurities.
"Can you
She nods, her gaze still cast forward. "I just needed some time to cool down."
It's more than she would have given me a few months ago. I take it. I fucking embrace it. "I was out of line, Jessica."
"You were an asshole." The corner of her mouth snaps up in a small grin. She offers me the soft baked pretzel she's holding in her hand.
I pull off a piece before popping it into my mouth. I knew she'd be here the moment the head chef at the restaurant told me her shift was done. It's the place she always comes to when she needs to think. "You're right." I pull off another piece. "I'm fucking starving."
"You always say that." Her head turns towards me. "You eat a lot."
"Lucky for me you're an amazing chef." My tone is light and cheerful. I'm not trying to mask the depth of what happened last night. I'm trying to find a spot where she'll let me back in. I want her to know that I didn't fucking mean what I said.
She reaches up to scratch her fingers along the side of her face. "I wish you would have been my first."
The words tear through me with more strength than I can bear. My heart jumps in my chest. I have to pull my finger across my brow to temper the heavy onslaught of emotions I'm feeling. "Jessica."
"You don't have to say you wish I was your first." She bites her bottom lip. "I'm not looking for that."
I know she's not. I also know that she's well aware that if I could change anything about my past, before I met her, I would. I was aimlessly searching for something within all those women. Every encounter I had was more vacant and empty than the one before it. I was on autopilot, fucking a new woman almost every week, just to satiate the empty pit that was inside of me. It only grew larger until Jessica walked into the club. "I know, Jessica," I say the words to quiet my own emotions. I know she accepts me exactly as I am. She's overlooked so much bullshit for me. Why the fuck am I making such a huge deal over a man she slept with so long ago?
"Sasha told me she talked to you about him." She hands me the remaining piece of pretzel. "She told you that I kissed Thomas."
I nod. "She did."
"That’s not what happened." She sighs heavily. "He kissed me when I walked out of the kitchen. I thought you were there to see me."
"Me?"
"Sasha came to the back and said that a gorgeous man in a suit wanted to talk to me." Her hand taps my leg. "You're the only gorgeous man in a suit I want to talk to."
I feel sudden elation at the words. I don't need confirmation that Jessica loves me. I see it every day when I wake up next to her. I feel it in her kiss and in the way she holds my hand. "I like being that guy. I want to always be that guy."
"I made so many mistakes, Nathan." Her hand reaches for mine. "I wish I could redo parts of my life."
I hold her hand tightly in mine as people rush past us, oblivious of the weight of the conversation we're having. "I have that same wish, Jessica. I think most people do."
"Maybe." She glances at me. "It's different for me."
"Why?" I squeeze her hand, encouraging her to let it out. I want her to confess. I want her to crack open and let everything out that she's been holding tightly to.
"I was so young." She shakes her head. "I thought I knew everything about love back then."
Love. It's the first time that word has popped up when she's been talking about Thomas. "Did you love him?"
Her gaze catches mine for a brief moment. I see the confusion in her brow. She pushes her hair back from her face before she responds, "Who?"
I take more comfort in her response than I should. I'm certain that she's just confused if I'm talking about Thomas or Josh. Right now, I don't give a shit. I want the only man who has ever owned her heart to be me. I'm greedy like that. I want that to be our reality even if it's completely unrealistic. "Thomas," I answer because I have to. I can't stall this conversation because of my own insecurities.
"Can you
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