Read Online Identity (Eyes Wide Open) by Ted Dekker - Free Book Online

can only be triggered by intense trauma. Usually severe prolonged distress.”
    The chill down her spine doubled back, now laced with anxiety. She found she couldn’t address that last statement.
    “How much of the day would you say you spend wondering if you measure up?”
    All the time , she thought. But saying it sounded stupid so she only said, “Quite a bit.”
    “You feel lost. Missing, just like the real photograph for your locket.”
    Christy hesitated, which was answer enough.
    “In fact, a day doesn’t pass without you suffering some kind of deep anxiety linked to your true identity.”
    The turn in the conversation had taken Christy from a state of relative ease to one of smothering fear.
    “Even now you feel a kind of terror, and the worst part of it is that you can’t figure out why. It’s just there, like a monster lurking behind your brain.”
    She still couldn’t seem to find the right response. She felt naked, disrobed by a few simple words.
    “You hate being so weak,” Nancy said. “You can’t understand why you hate yourself and think no one else could possibly be as bad off as you. Is that true?”
    Christy’s face was hot. Sweat had beaded on her forehead—she could hardly pretend that she hadn’t been exposed.
    “Yes.”
    “Yes. It’s okay. We all get to discover who we really are at some point, and when we do, it can be quite unsettling.”
    Christy felt her eyes misting and averted her stare. She wasn’t sure what to say. It was true, she thought. All of it.
    “There’s a part of your mind that’s shattered. You feel isolated and lost. You don’t know who you are, so you try to be what they say you should be, and that leaves you incapable of coping, hating yourself, hating those who want you to be someone you aren’t—even though you yourself don’t know who you are. You’ve lost your true identity and are desperately looking for a new one even though that’s impossible.”
    The volume of disquiet that swept through Christy’s mind and heart at those words could not be properly expressed. She felt desperate to run from the room, but there was nowhere to go.
    “You live alone and keep to yourself because you’re broken. Your mind is fractured. Even at your best, you suspect that something is wrong, because it is. The only time you feel good is when you’re able to pretend that it is, but deep down you hate everything about yourself. The way you look, the way you feel, the way you think, even the way you sleep, because that time that should be peaceful is full of nightmares.”
    Christy’s fingers began to tremble ever so slightly. She lowered them to her lap. She recognized the onset of a panic attack, and none of her attempts at self-assurance put a dent in the one rushing up to meet her now.
    “My observations bother you, don’t they, Christy?”
    Her throat was frozen shut. She managed a soft, “I guess.”
    Nancy addressed her in a kind voice laden with compassion, but the words could not have been more upsetting.
    “You see the world through broken glasses, Christy. Your mind is wounded.”
    She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream. She wanted to run.
    But she could only sit as tears leaked from her eyes.
    And she hated even that.
    The door opened, jerking her from her thoughts. Kern Lawson glanced between them, then nodded at Nancy, who smiled congenially at Christy, thanked her for being so vulnerable, gathered her files, and stepped out with the administrator.
    Christy wiped her eyes and quickly gathered herself. Nancy’s words still buzzed through her head. Austin had once suggested that a good therapist might help her find tools to deal with her despondent emotions. Maybe he was right. Her reaction to Nancy’s observations bothered her more than the words themselves.
    Five minutes later Lawson walked in wearing a congenial grin. He sat in the chair Nancy had occupied and folded his hands together.
    “Nancy tells me that you were very