Read Online I Know What I'm Doing by Jen Kirkman - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Jen Kirkman
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marriage. You have your memories—unfortunately the bad ones too. Who are you saving the photos from your wedding for? Your nonexistent children? The children you’ll maybe have one day with another man? Just this once, don’t recycle, don’t be environmentally friendly. I took my wedding dress, rehearsal dinner dress, shoes, marriage license, and photographs still in their nice leather-bound books and tossed them in a Dumpster somewhere in the city of Los Angeles. I hope there is a homeless woman walking around right now in a lovely floor-length J.Crew chiffon gown. You look good, girl.
EIGHT THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO YOUR NEWLY DIVORCED FRIEND
1. “DON’T WORRY! YOU’LL GET MARRIED AGAIN!”
Let your friend digest their excruciating paperwork and lawyer’s fees and their natural inclination to ponder whether the institution is for them at all. How about instead of telling your friend what their future holds, you just ask them a nice question like, I don’t know, “Did you know that the candida medication Diflucan is sold over the counter in Canada but only by prescription in the United States? Why are we the land of the free but we don’t have easy access to yeast infection cures?”
OKAY, WELL CAN I ASK, “DO YOU THINK YOU’LL GET MARRIED AGAIN?”
How can anyone know if they want to get married again when they aren’t even in a relationship? Just know that marriage is the furthest thing from a newly divorced person’s mind. This isn’t due to heartbreak or cynicism but to the strange and disturbing new reality that your divorced friend now sees marriage AND divorce as two very real possibilities and will always carry that reality to their next romantic endeavor. Do you think a sinkhole will swallow you? What do you mean, you don’t know?
2. “WHAT WAS THE FIGHT THAT CAUSED IT TO END?”
Marriage isn’t a toddler friendship where you suddenly decide to end all playdates because Suzy didn’t share her blocks one time. One fight does not end a marriage. This question implies that you’re trying to figure out what went wrong so that you can figure out what your fight with your spouse meant last night. Don’t worry. Divorce isn’t contagious. You’re fine.
3. “WE WOULD HAVE INVITED YOU TO DINNER TONIGHT BUT IT’S ALL MARRIED COUPLES. YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN SAD.”
First of all, no one likes to hear in retrospect that they weren’t invited to a thing. That’s just shitty. But it’s especially shitty to think that if only they were legally bound to someone, they could have had a seat at your dinner table. Maybe it’s not about a sad divorcée at all? Maybe it’s you who would be uncomfortable. Are you afraid that inviting a divorced person to a couples dinner might be like inviting a political radical to a black-tie fund-raiser? You think we might show up, kick open the door, strut around with pamphlets, and start “tellin’ the truth about some things, man? Turns out—it is just a piece of paper, man!” We’re not going to do that. And of course, even people who know divorce is for the best get sad. So it’s shitty of you to point that out and then try to keep a sad person from an event that has food.
4. “WELL, WHY DID YOU GET MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE?”
How come YOU got married? Love. Or what you thought was love. What do you expect a divorced person to say to this? “I’m sorry, I don’t have a crystal ball and can’t see the future”? Or maybe “We just wanted some presents!” To be fair, today I have more than ten knives for ten different kinds of cheese. That never would have happened if I hadn’t gotten married.
5. “DO YOU STILL SLEEP ON ‘YOUR’ SIDE OF THE BED OR DOES IT FEEL WEIRD?”
What feels weird is you thinking about me in bed. And also what was even weirder was being married and not wanting my husband in my bed. That’s what’s weird. Once the divorced person is in that bed alone, it’s just a bed. And a bed is a wonderful place to do what we all
EIGHT THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO YOUR NEWLY DIVORCED FRIEND
1. “DON’T WORRY! YOU’LL GET MARRIED AGAIN!”
Let your friend digest their excruciating paperwork and lawyer’s fees and their natural inclination to ponder whether the institution is for them at all. How about instead of telling your friend what their future holds, you just ask them a nice question like, I don’t know, “Did you know that the candida medication Diflucan is sold over the counter in Canada but only by prescription in the United States? Why are we the land of the free but we don’t have easy access to yeast infection cures?”
OKAY, WELL CAN I ASK, “DO YOU THINK YOU’LL GET MARRIED AGAIN?”
How can anyone know if they want to get married again when they aren’t even in a relationship? Just know that marriage is the furthest thing from a newly divorced person’s mind. This isn’t due to heartbreak or cynicism but to the strange and disturbing new reality that your divorced friend now sees marriage AND divorce as two very real possibilities and will always carry that reality to their next romantic endeavor. Do you think a sinkhole will swallow you? What do you mean, you don’t know?
2. “WHAT WAS THE FIGHT THAT CAUSED IT TO END?”
Marriage isn’t a toddler friendship where you suddenly decide to end all playdates because Suzy didn’t share her blocks one time. One fight does not end a marriage. This question implies that you’re trying to figure out what went wrong so that you can figure out what your fight with your spouse meant last night. Don’t worry. Divorce isn’t contagious. You’re fine.
3. “WE WOULD HAVE INVITED YOU TO DINNER TONIGHT BUT IT’S ALL MARRIED COUPLES. YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN SAD.”
First of all, no one likes to hear in retrospect that they weren’t invited to a thing. That’s just shitty. But it’s especially shitty to think that if only they were legally bound to someone, they could have had a seat at your dinner table. Maybe it’s not about a sad divorcée at all? Maybe it’s you who would be uncomfortable. Are you afraid that inviting a divorced person to a couples dinner might be like inviting a political radical to a black-tie fund-raiser? You think we might show up, kick open the door, strut around with pamphlets, and start “tellin’ the truth about some things, man? Turns out—it is just a piece of paper, man!” We’re not going to do that. And of course, even people who know divorce is for the best get sad. So it’s shitty of you to point that out and then try to keep a sad person from an event that has food.
4. “WELL, WHY DID YOU GET MARRIED IN THE FIRST PLACE?”
How come YOU got married? Love. Or what you thought was love. What do you expect a divorced person to say to this? “I’m sorry, I don’t have a crystal ball and can’t see the future”? Or maybe “We just wanted some presents!” To be fair, today I have more than ten knives for ten different kinds of cheese. That never would have happened if I hadn’t gotten married.
5. “DO YOU STILL SLEEP ON ‘YOUR’ SIDE OF THE BED OR DOES IT FEEL WEIRD?”
What feels weird is you thinking about me in bed. And also what was even weirder was being married and not wanting my husband in my bed. That’s what’s weird. Once the divorced person is in that bed alone, it’s just a bed. And a bed is a wonderful place to do what we all
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