Read Online How to Fight Presidents: Defending Yourself Against the Badasses Who Ran This Country by Daniel O'Brien - Free Book Online
Authors: Daniel O'Brien
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including fighting. He was terrible in social situations, he didn’t have any friends, and he never bothered to have any children, because he didn’t want anything to stall him on the road to political greatness.
If you’re fighting Polk, then, your best-case scenario would be one in which your fight has nothing to do with politics whatsoever, because if that’s the situation, then his heart just won’t be in it. It won’t exactly be a walk in the park, because Polk could seriously takepunishment; at seventeen he underwent surgery to remove urinary stones, and this is the 1800s we’re talking about, where “surgery” means “a doctor cuts you open and you’re awake the whole time and your only anesthetic is brandy and
holy shit
modern seventeen-year-olds have it easy, comparatively.” He can’t throw a punch, but he sure can take one, so make sure you throw a whole lot.
Still, he was a great president and doesn’t really get the credit he deserves, so when you’re face-to-face with him in a fight to the death, maybe let him win? Just to be nice? Come on.
It was said that Zachary Taylor didn’t fear things he had not personally experienced, which, as a career soldier, proved to be a valuable asset; until such a time as death would prove to be worth fearing, Taylor would court instead of run from it.
Nicknamed “Old Rough and Ready” by his fellow soldiers, due to his alleged roughness and readiness, Taylor achieved fame and praise for his impressive military career. He first landed on America’s radar in the War of 1812. In September of that year, Taylor was ordered to escort the eighty men, women, and children under his care (some soldiers, some settlers) from Fort Knox to Fort Harrison, where he would assume command. Unfortunately, the group was struck by malaria; twenty-four of Taylor’s people died, and almost everyone else, including Taylor himself, was very ill. In an apparent cosmic test of one man’s ability to handle one goddamn thing after a-goddamn-nother, just a day or so after Taylor and his peoplearrived at Fort Harrison, tired and sick and haggard, he got word that hostile Indian forces were planning an attack on the fort.
Of Taylor’s remaining men, only about fifteen of them were able soldiers; the rest were either civilian settlers or soldiers who were too ill to fight. Without skipping a beat, Taylor recruited five random settlers and turned them into temporary soldiers. He gave all twenty of the men sixteen rounds each of firepower. On September 4, 1812, Taylor and his men were woken up at midnight when an invading horde of six hundred Indians set fire to their camp. The soldiers panicked (two of the experienced ones, in fact, fled the fort as soon as the flames started). Taylor was disoriented and outnumbered but apparently he must have accidentally left all of his fucks back at Fort Knox, because by the time the battle started, he had none left to give. So while almost anyone else in the world would have seen two choices (death by fire, death by Native Americans), Taylor, with a handful of troops and a bellyful of malaria, chose a third option: The Taylor Way.
After informing his men that “Taylor never surrenders,” Old Rough and Ready calmly ordered some of his men to fix the fort’s fire-damaged roof, and told the rest to attack the invaders. Taylor saw the flaming fort as a great opportunity, because the flames lit up the sky and revealed the attackers, and because he was crazy. A small chunk of Taylor’s men put out the fire and worked to repair the roof while the
other
small chunk of his men held back the six hundred Indian attackers and provided cover. By morning the fire was gone, the damage was repaired, and the invaders had retreated. It was the first American military victory in the War of 1812, and Taylor pulled it off with a twenty-man army of soldiers and civilians.
Taylor’s entire military career is full of similar stories. The Battle of Resaca de la Palma
If you’re fighting Polk, then, your best-case scenario would be one in which your fight has nothing to do with politics whatsoever, because if that’s the situation, then his heart just won’t be in it. It won’t exactly be a walk in the park, because Polk could seriously takepunishment; at seventeen he underwent surgery to remove urinary stones, and this is the 1800s we’re talking about, where “surgery” means “a doctor cuts you open and you’re awake the whole time and your only anesthetic is brandy and
holy shit
modern seventeen-year-olds have it easy, comparatively.” He can’t throw a punch, but he sure can take one, so make sure you throw a whole lot.
Still, he was a great president and doesn’t really get the credit he deserves, so when you’re face-to-face with him in a fight to the death, maybe let him win? Just to be nice? Come on.
It was said that Zachary Taylor didn’t fear things he had not personally experienced, which, as a career soldier, proved to be a valuable asset; until such a time as death would prove to be worth fearing, Taylor would court instead of run from it.
Nicknamed “Old Rough and Ready” by his fellow soldiers, due to his alleged roughness and readiness, Taylor achieved fame and praise for his impressive military career. He first landed on America’s radar in the War of 1812. In September of that year, Taylor was ordered to escort the eighty men, women, and children under his care (some soldiers, some settlers) from Fort Knox to Fort Harrison, where he would assume command. Unfortunately, the group was struck by malaria; twenty-four of Taylor’s people died, and almost everyone else, including Taylor himself, was very ill. In an apparent cosmic test of one man’s ability to handle one goddamn thing after a-goddamn-nother, just a day or so after Taylor and his peoplearrived at Fort Harrison, tired and sick and haggard, he got word that hostile Indian forces were planning an attack on the fort.
Of Taylor’s remaining men, only about fifteen of them were able soldiers; the rest were either civilian settlers or soldiers who were too ill to fight. Without skipping a beat, Taylor recruited five random settlers and turned them into temporary soldiers. He gave all twenty of the men sixteen rounds each of firepower. On September 4, 1812, Taylor and his men were woken up at midnight when an invading horde of six hundred Indians set fire to their camp. The soldiers panicked (two of the experienced ones, in fact, fled the fort as soon as the flames started). Taylor was disoriented and outnumbered but apparently he must have accidentally left all of his fucks back at Fort Knox, because by the time the battle started, he had none left to give. So while almost anyone else in the world would have seen two choices (death by fire, death by Native Americans), Taylor, with a handful of troops and a bellyful of malaria, chose a third option: The Taylor Way.
After informing his men that “Taylor never surrenders,” Old Rough and Ready calmly ordered some of his men to fix the fort’s fire-damaged roof, and told the rest to attack the invaders. Taylor saw the flaming fort as a great opportunity, because the flames lit up the sky and revealed the attackers, and because he was crazy. A small chunk of Taylor’s men put out the fire and worked to repair the roof while the
other
small chunk of his men held back the six hundred Indian attackers and provided cover. By morning the fire was gone, the damage was repaired, and the invaders had retreated. It was the first American military victory in the War of 1812, and Taylor pulled it off with a twenty-man army of soldiers and civilians.
Taylor’s entire military career is full of similar stories. The Battle of Resaca de la Palma
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