The ambience is supposed to be out of this world. Sometimes movie companies even go there to shoot.”
“Yeah? Who am I kidding, I could never afford a place like that.”
“Don’t be so negative. I know the owner quite well, and I’m pretty sure I could talk her into arranging a special price for you.
It’s not going to be cheap, but then quality never is, is it?”
“I guess not. How much will it be for three nights?”
“With or without ALPO?”
“Excuse me?”
“That stands for Amish Lifestyle Plan Option. For just fifty measly bucks more a day you get the privilege of living like a real Amish person. By that I mean you get to make up your own room, feed the chickens, milk the cows. You know, all that fun stuff.”
“Cool! But how much?”
“Just a minute, let me calculate.” I made pinging noises with my mouth. “Well, well, well, what a coincidence; you’re never going to believe this, but it comes out to exactly ninety-nine ninety-nine times six easy payments.”
54 Tamar
Myers
“Fantastic! How do I sign up?”
I took a credit card number before heading back to the warm, welcoming spigots of Big Bertha. I settled into the lather with a groan of sinful pleasure, and that’s when the Devil grabbed me by a foot, and pulled me under. I mean that literally.
9
There is nothing more frightening than Satan trying to drown you in an oversized whirlpool tub. I fought back mightily, tooth and toenail. I bit, I slapped, I scratched—all things a proper pacifist would never dream of doing. But if, indeed, all things are fair in love and war, then surely they are fair in mano a mano combat with the Prince of Darkness.
I wasn’t surprised that the Devil had chosen to attack me physically while in a corporeal form; I’ve been a wicked woman.
What surprised me is that the His Evilness had taken the form of a woman.
“Stop it, Mags,” she shrieked when it was clear I had finally bested her.
The fact that the Devil was using my sister’s voice was uncon-scionable. Of course, the Devil doesn’t have a conscious, and can’t really be bested by a mere mortal, but I had soap on the brain.
While my thoughts struggled to keep up with me, I gave Lucifer another good whack, this time with a Lifebuoy bar.
“Ouch! That hurt, darn you.”
“ Susannah? Is that really you?”
56 Tamar
Myers
“No, I’m somebody else. Of course it’s me. You’re really weird, Mags, you know that?”
“The pot calling the kettle,” I said, glowering at the only other human being to form in my mother’s womb, and then not until a full eleven years since I’d called that uterus home. “What in tar-nation are you doing in Big—bathtub? You weren’t in it when I filled it.”
“I spoke to you when I came into your bedroom, but you were on the phone and didn’t hear me. I guess you didn’t see me either.
So when I came in here to use the toilet, and saw those bubbles—
well, you can’t blame a girl for not wanting to see them go to waste. And it’s not like I have a setup like this at home.”
“So you sampled my bubbles. Now, get out. Please.”
“Why can’t I stay? We used to take baths together all the time when we were little.”
“We were never little together; I was thirteen, and you were two. The only reason I bathed with you is because Mama forced me to, in order to save water. Then came the notorious day of the floater—never mind. Just am-scray.”
“Fine, if that’s the way you’re going to be. Kicking a poor widder woman out into the cold.”
“You’re not a poor widder woman. I give you an allowance large enough to support a small kingdom, and your husband is not dead. He’s a cold-blooded killer who will spend the rest of his days behind bars.”
Susannah stood, the bubbles sliding in gentle avalanches.
“You don’t have to be so mean. I didn’t know Melvin was a killer when I married him.”
“Yes, but everyone told you he was a—” I clapped a soapy hand across my
“Yeah? Who am I kidding, I could never afford a place like that.”
“Don’t be so negative. I know the owner quite well, and I’m pretty sure I could talk her into arranging a special price for you.
It’s not going to be cheap, but then quality never is, is it?”
“I guess not. How much will it be for three nights?”
“With or without ALPO?”
“Excuse me?”
“That stands for Amish Lifestyle Plan Option. For just fifty measly bucks more a day you get the privilege of living like a real Amish person. By that I mean you get to make up your own room, feed the chickens, milk the cows. You know, all that fun stuff.”
“Cool! But how much?”
“Just a minute, let me calculate.” I made pinging noises with my mouth. “Well, well, well, what a coincidence; you’re never going to believe this, but it comes out to exactly ninety-nine ninety-nine times six easy payments.”
54 Tamar
Myers
“Fantastic! How do I sign up?”
I took a credit card number before heading back to the warm, welcoming spigots of Big Bertha. I settled into the lather with a groan of sinful pleasure, and that’s when the Devil grabbed me by a foot, and pulled me under. I mean that literally.
9
There is nothing more frightening than Satan trying to drown you in an oversized whirlpool tub. I fought back mightily, tooth and toenail. I bit, I slapped, I scratched—all things a proper pacifist would never dream of doing. But if, indeed, all things are fair in love and war, then surely they are fair in mano a mano combat with the Prince of Darkness.
I wasn’t surprised that the Devil had chosen to attack me physically while in a corporeal form; I’ve been a wicked woman.
What surprised me is that the His Evilness had taken the form of a woman.
“Stop it, Mags,” she shrieked when it was clear I had finally bested her.
The fact that the Devil was using my sister’s voice was uncon-scionable. Of course, the Devil doesn’t have a conscious, and can’t really be bested by a mere mortal, but I had soap on the brain.
While my thoughts struggled to keep up with me, I gave Lucifer another good whack, this time with a Lifebuoy bar.
“Ouch! That hurt, darn you.”
“ Susannah? Is that really you?”
56 Tamar
Myers
“No, I’m somebody else. Of course it’s me. You’re really weird, Mags, you know that?”
“The pot calling the kettle,” I said, glowering at the only other human being to form in my mother’s womb, and then not until a full eleven years since I’d called that uterus home. “What in tar-nation are you doing in Big—bathtub? You weren’t in it when I filled it.”
“I spoke to you when I came into your bedroom, but you were on the phone and didn’t hear me. I guess you didn’t see me either.
So when I came in here to use the toilet, and saw those bubbles—
well, you can’t blame a girl for not wanting to see them go to waste. And it’s not like I have a setup like this at home.”
“So you sampled my bubbles. Now, get out. Please.”
“Why can’t I stay? We used to take baths together all the time when we were little.”
“We were never little together; I was thirteen, and you were two. The only reason I bathed with you is because Mama forced me to, in order to save water. Then came the notorious day of the floater—never mind. Just am-scray.”
“Fine, if that’s the way you’re going to be. Kicking a poor widder woman out into the cold.”
“You’re not a poor widder woman. I give you an allowance large enough to support a small kingdom, and your husband is not dead. He’s a cold-blooded killer who will spend the rest of his days behind bars.”
Susannah stood, the bubbles sliding in gentle avalanches.
“You don’t have to be so mean. I didn’t know Melvin was a killer when I married him.”
“Yes, but everyone told you he was a—” I clapped a soapy hand across my
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