then...and then he was gone. And then mom died, and there was no one here for me.” She looks up, tears pouring down her face, her finger pointed at me, her mouth twisted furiously. “So don’t you dare judge me because I wanted somebody to be close to.”
It’s a threat that has no barbs, which makes it so pathetic, my throats tightens and aches.
“I’m sorry about Danny. And Eileen. So sorry.”
She takes a deep breath and when she looks up, her face is unlined, tear wiped, and placid, but her eyes sparkle so ferociously, I know my ‘sorry’ sounds as lame as I imagine.
“You know what was so weird about Danny? I expected it. A million ways. I thought he’d break his neck skateboarding or get killed drag racing. Or drink too much and try to swim across the lake and drown.” She shakes her head and all her curls bounce like a thousand silky, brown springs.
“But it was when he got his shit together, when he finally stopped screwing around and grew the hell up…” Her laugh sounds like paper ripping. “I told him it was a stupid job, but he said we’d make enough in one summer to put a down-payment on a house.”
Her shoulders buckle like they’re on a hinge.
I get up and pull her into my arms. She has to slouch because she’s taller than I am, but I pull her to the couch, make her lay her head in my lap, and run a hand over her springy hair until long, curling pieces tangle in my fingers.
“He was a good guy,” I whisper.
He really was.
I thought they were way too young to think about moving in. But Danny was set to make a good chunk of money, an adult salary they could live on, and Georgia was already talking about college with less and less desire in her voice. Then the truck flipped, down the ravine, heavy with too many logs that weren’t stable enough.
Danny was gone, and the last things I had said about him were all awful, all to convince Georgia to come to school with me and not get married before she could legally drink like some housewife from the fifties.
She knew I loved him. She knew I was trying to be who I always was in our relationship; the level-headed one, the one who looked out for our futures, the one who used my brain to cut through the throbbing, sticky-sweet emotions of the heart.
“This will be the third Christmas without Danny, and the first without Mom.” George’s tears and breath make my t-shirt hot and damp. “It’s like there were all these holes in me, and I feel like…I don’t know, like my soul was pouring through them and leaving my body. And this baby? It’s like she fills all the holes up.”
“You know she’s a girl?” I whisper, because babies are a miracle I know nothing about. The last baby I was around regularly was Ella, back when I wasn’t much more than a baby myself.
“It’s just a guess.” She nestles her head on my lap and takes my hand, runs it down her belly, and presses. “You’re not going to be able to feel anything. But she’s in there. Isn’t that amazing? Isn’t that a miracle?”
I nod with jerky fear. My hand is on Georgia’s flat, warm stomach, and she tells me that her baby is growing right under it. I tip my head back and look at the picture of us as babies. I always thought we’d complete the cycle, have babies of our own. But not this soon. Not this way.
“I know you’re overthinking everything, like you always do. But, for once , just feel happy for me, okay? I know it doesn’t make sense to you, Sade, but I’ve felt like the last three years have been nothing but pain. And misery. And, for the first time in so long, I feel like I’m going to be okay.” She runs her fingers over my knuckles. “Okay?”
I nod again. “Of course,” I gasp. “Of course.”
I have a million arguments, but I realize Georgia already forgave me once for trying to take her heart away from Danny. If I try to do it again with the baby, she’s not going to be able to forgive me.
Even if I’m doing it because I want to
It’s a threat that has no barbs, which makes it so pathetic, my throats tightens and aches.
“I’m sorry about Danny. And Eileen. So sorry.”
She takes a deep breath and when she looks up, her face is unlined, tear wiped, and placid, but her eyes sparkle so ferociously, I know my ‘sorry’ sounds as lame as I imagine.
“You know what was so weird about Danny? I expected it. A million ways. I thought he’d break his neck skateboarding or get killed drag racing. Or drink too much and try to swim across the lake and drown.” She shakes her head and all her curls bounce like a thousand silky, brown springs.
“But it was when he got his shit together, when he finally stopped screwing around and grew the hell up…” Her laugh sounds like paper ripping. “I told him it was a stupid job, but he said we’d make enough in one summer to put a down-payment on a house.”
Her shoulders buckle like they’re on a hinge.
I get up and pull her into my arms. She has to slouch because she’s taller than I am, but I pull her to the couch, make her lay her head in my lap, and run a hand over her springy hair until long, curling pieces tangle in my fingers.
“He was a good guy,” I whisper.
He really was.
I thought they were way too young to think about moving in. But Danny was set to make a good chunk of money, an adult salary they could live on, and Georgia was already talking about college with less and less desire in her voice. Then the truck flipped, down the ravine, heavy with too many logs that weren’t stable enough.
Danny was gone, and the last things I had said about him were all awful, all to convince Georgia to come to school with me and not get married before she could legally drink like some housewife from the fifties.
She knew I loved him. She knew I was trying to be who I always was in our relationship; the level-headed one, the one who looked out for our futures, the one who used my brain to cut through the throbbing, sticky-sweet emotions of the heart.
“This will be the third Christmas without Danny, and the first without Mom.” George’s tears and breath make my t-shirt hot and damp. “It’s like there were all these holes in me, and I feel like…I don’t know, like my soul was pouring through them and leaving my body. And this baby? It’s like she fills all the holes up.”
“You know she’s a girl?” I whisper, because babies are a miracle I know nothing about. The last baby I was around regularly was Ella, back when I wasn’t much more than a baby myself.
“It’s just a guess.” She nestles her head on my lap and takes my hand, runs it down her belly, and presses. “You’re not going to be able to feel anything. But she’s in there. Isn’t that amazing? Isn’t that a miracle?”
I nod with jerky fear. My hand is on Georgia’s flat, warm stomach, and she tells me that her baby is growing right under it. I tip my head back and look at the picture of us as babies. I always thought we’d complete the cycle, have babies of our own. But not this soon. Not this way.
“I know you’re overthinking everything, like you always do. But, for once , just feel happy for me, okay? I know it doesn’t make sense to you, Sade, but I’ve felt like the last three years have been nothing but pain. And misery. And, for the first time in so long, I feel like I’m going to be okay.” She runs her fingers over my knuckles. “Okay?”
I nod again. “Of course,” I gasp. “Of course.”
I have a million arguments, but I realize Georgia already forgave me once for trying to take her heart away from Danny. If I try to do it again with the baby, she’s not going to be able to forgive me.
Even if I’m doing it because I want to
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